i think today is the first day where i can breathe.
serious craziness leading up to my flight home (yes, i'm back in toronto now); right after my last exam it was nothing but partying, packing, more partying and more packing. said goodbye to friends, had my last dosa with vij as my flatmate (so sad!), spent my last night with the londoner (more on that later) and then BOOM! off on a jet plane to toronto. the weekend was spent attending carnivalissima at the harbourfront centre, followed by woofstock near st lawrence market. yes, the last one was for chili.
londoner: oh lord, what have i done? how do i manage to fuck things up, two days after i get back to toronto??? let me explain...
so my last night with him was great! i'm not going into the (gory) details but oh yes dear readers, it was good. i've been seeing him for about a month now; we didn't have "the talk" per se, but we did agree that we both liked each other very much, but didn't know where this was going, seeing as how i'm in toronto for the summer and things have only gotten started between us.
so he drops me off at the station the next morning and we say our goodbyes; when i'm back in toronto later that day i message him online letting him know i'm home. we have a brief but good chat. the next morning i see him online again and we start chatting...well, at least i'm trying to but he is about as responsive as a log. or a dead animal. let me just say the following:
- i've realized that he can be quite self-absorbed sometimes, always talking about himself or turning the conversation towards him;
- he is slightly cocky/arrogant, though i know for a fact it's a cover for someone who can be quite insecure about himself;
- conversation is a two-way street, do you not agree dear readers? why is it so hard for someone to ask a question about you; why am i always the one to do the asking?
- londoner is a workaholic
- i hate people who "victimize" themselves
so i ask him why he has nothing to say to me and he launches into a diatribe about how he's having the shittiest, most unproductive day, and therefore cannot think of anything to say to me (?). hmmm, i don't know, how about starting with "how are you?"
so basically i kind of let rip, calling him on his self-absorbedness (okay, so that's not a word but so what? bite me. wait, i guess it would be self-absorption) and asking why yet again, it always has to be about him. i was frustrated for many reasons (not just him) and so i admit, i kind of took it out on him. but he sort of deserved it! anyway...
i did apologize for having that kind of conversation with him when it wasn't my intention; i logged off in a huff, telling him to email me if he wants and "perhaps" he'll see me online again. afterwards i felt kind of shitty because that wasn't the time nor place for me to say stuff like that. plus i felt frustrated because i don't want to think of him and i don't want to miss him but i do; i'm just so afraid of getting hurt!
the next day i email him an apology but since that conversation i have yet to hear back from him or see him online. he is online ALL THE TIME, so i wonder if he's blocked me? how can one little conversation lead to this? why am i so over-analytical? ARGH!
so that's it in a nutshell. i guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. i hate waiting...
what are your thoughts/comments on this?
CET :o(
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4 comments:
oh w, we will have to talk in person about this! my o also did sort of the same thing and when i called him on it about a month into it, things just went downhill from there. it's one of the biggest turn-offs for me.. i find it a trait that can be pretty gendered. as women, we are socialized to think about other people, whereas men are socialized to not do so (thanks, male privilege!). i brought this up with o and it did not go over well!
okay, so i'm glad it's not just me!
we will talk soon, if not on friday (because we'll be too busy dancing up a storm) then soon!
CET :o)
missruckus, I wasn't going to reply but CET told me to do so to start a discussion. I have to say that your notion that guys are socialized to not care about others and girls are socialized to care is kinda crap. There are lots of "princesses" out there that don't give a damn for anyone or anything but themselves, and there are guys who give of themselves freely. I've read some of what you've written on CET's blog about white/male priviledge and while I will admit that it exists in jobs/housing/life but I don't think that a priviledge exists in terms of dating. Some people are nice, some people are jerks, and it doesn't break down based on sex.
MD
At the heart of this debate--which is a common one, not to be snobby, but every human being probably discusses this issue at least once with every person they deem to be a
friend or better--is how one defines or accepts the utility of generalizations. It is absolutely true that every person behaves differently, however minutely, and that a broad spectrum of responses to any circumstance can be expected. We can accept this as the conclusion of any debate concerning human behaviour, but it gets us nowhere in terms of predicting future outcomes and building our social awareness.
By making generalizations one can build behavioural expectations; however, if these are based on false or incomplete observations then negative prejudices result and potentially more harm is done than good.
The gender stereotyping discussed above is very problematic because none of us can claim to have an acceptably large set of observations. You may have a handful of very close friends that you understand fairly well, but since their behaviour is probably quite similar to your own (the source of your friendship), observation of their perceived responses is unhelpful, as it reinforces your own view of what is appropriate. What if you examine your larger sphere of contacts...would you claim to adequately understand their individual motivations in order to begin lumping them together in terms of gender?
Now move to another country. Interact with people of a different age group. Study the behaviour of folks adhering to a different religion, political persuasion, social community. Do they conform to the same expectations you've developed from your own microcosm?
It is impossible to predict your compatibility with another person. Sure, we have each developed a filtration process based on the initial sight, smell and sound of another individual, but it may take years of frequent interaction with that person to determine to what degree they can be embraced.
Unfortunately, what really complicates matters is the dynamic nature of personae. The lover you are fully intimate with today could in a few years be someone you find less attractive than whatever's moldering beneath your refrigerator. Will your philosophies and lifestyles diverge, run in parallel, or asymptotically converge?
If there is an innate, intolerable difference between the sexes than there is no hope for any of us. Intimate relationships are successful when the perceived faults of the other person are accepted, or better yet discussed with the goal of improvement. These agreements (that perceived faults are tolerable) and cooperative acts (towards the betterment of each person) are necessary events for lifestyle convergence.
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