john cusack and gay men

so i spent friday night watching "grosse pointe blank" on tv. god i love that film. god i love john cusack. i don't know what it is about him but he is so damn hot and so many women love him. i think every woman (or at least alot of them) want their man to have a little bit of john's wit and charm - i know i do!

saturday i went to kiwigirl's flatmate's boyfriend's house party. he lives in a tiny but GORGEOUS flat smack dab in the middle of covent garden. talk about prime real estate. sushi and dim sum were the nibblies, my favourite siu mai and bbq pork bun, mmm... all the men at the party were gay (except one guy who looked like hugh grant apparently (i don't remember), but he was with - who else - his girlfriend). i had some great conversations with some of the men; all the single, heterosexual ladies at the party (of which there were four) agreed that why can't straight guys be more like gay men? is that not the lament of the 21st century?

i think gay men have the best of both worlds. they are more in tune with the female sensibility and yet retain much of their masculinity (except for drag queens i guess?), and it's a beautiful masculinity at that! alas.

my male friends, gay or straight, leave a comment here for the ladies letting us know why this is so?

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quickie

sorry, have lab in 45 minutes and i still have to pay tuition, have lunch and finish up my lab report! yes i am bad.

will write more tomorrow!

hope everyone had a good weekend.

CET

friday ho-hum

i have twenty minutes before my three-hour chemistry lab on a friday, oh joy!

i'm tired. i don't know if it's a) not enough sleep or b) i'm not eating enough fruits and veggies. does that have anything to do with it? not getting all the necessary vitamins i suppose. i was proud of myself today though, i packed a really healthy lunch! bagel with mustard and salami on one half and pate on the other half; two satsuma oranges and a bag of walnuts! i think that's the healthiest lunch i've eaten since i've arrived in the uk.

having said that though, i'm about to have a twix before i go to lab, hehehe...

have a good weekend everyone!

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woman in black

holy crap, the play i went to see last night was SCARY! it's called "woman in black" and it's about, what else, but a woman in black. i don't want to give too much away other than the woman in black is a ghost; her ghastly white face kept popping up on stage, making people scream, and there's this one scene where she's rocking in a rocking chair that freaks the poo poo out of you. there were about thirteen of us at the play, and afterwards we went to the pub for a drink or two to calm our nerves.

scary films/plays/books stay in my mind for a while. my imagination always gets the better of me, so when i went to sleep last night i kept thinking of her ghostly pale face and of her rocking in the chair. i know i shouldn't think of it obviously, but it's like my mind can't escape it, like i want to scare myself. a good analogy would be a roller coaster ride; it scares the heck out of people but they keep going back for more. that's like my mind and scary movies.

when i have nightmares they are pretty bad. bad in the gory sense of bad. i have this one recurring dream (once every five years or so) of a double murder...i won't go into the specifics but it's pretty damn frightening! it's kind of sick what your mind is capable of imagining. take the creators of "saw" and "saw two" - now THAT is twisted.

i didn't look in the creek today to see if the skull was still there...

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random thoughts and observations

there's a creek intersecting the street that i walk down everyday to catch the bus...someone threw a plastic halloween skull into the creek, and half of it is poking out of the water...quite the funny-yet-slightly-creepy sight whenever i walk by now. i wonder who, if anyone, is going to fish it out?

i've been craving a full-on english breakfast since last night, when i couldn't decide between salmon fishcakes or an english breakfast at the pub...took the tube to the S&M Cafe near liverpool street station today, just to get my breakfast. yes, i was a naughty girl :) by the way, S&M means sausages and mash, you dirty-minded people!

it came with "black pudding", which for those of you who don't know, is basically cooked pig's blood shaped into sausages or something...anyhoo, i did eat half of it and it's not too bad, but i kept thinking of what it actually was while i was eating it, hence i didn't finish the other half. i shouldn't be so squeamish considering i eat meat but still, the thought of eating caked blood kind of made me want to retch.

i wandered around spitalfields market and petticoat lane market afterwards - both great markets, i wish t.o. had more markets - then headed to tottenham court road for more wandering and shopping. kiwigirl, g and i are doing secret santa, and i bought two pressies today! and yes kiwigirl, with only three people doing secret santa it isn't hard to figure out who has who...damn you, because i figured it out even though i didn't want to!

i'm going to see a musical tonight, "woman in black", as part of a friend's birthday celebrations. should be interesting.

i feel the need to put my feet up and have a cup of hot cocoa, i did alot of walking today.

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busy but not really

it's funny how i have a gazillion little things to do, and plenty of time to do them (technically), but i don't get anything done!

had a run-in with another teacher yesterday, the infamous "dr. growler". i swear, he cultivates the mean bastard persona like a farmer cultivates corn. what a fucker. he must have been bullied as a kid, and he's making up for it now as an adult. that's what classmate t says, to quote, "he doesn't have much going for him other than his brains." and you know someone's really getting on your nerves when you daydream about telling them off, as i do now with him.

had my academic tutor meeting with prof. b. his handsome-ness is fading a bit. he is such a busy guy, i think he's being run ragged and it shows. had a nice tie on though.

oh, i've had this in my head for a while and have been meaning to get it out: i was on the bus one evening and passed by a hair salon called "Mo Betta Cutz". nice. that's for my Skinnes.

meeting kiwigirl today for dinner and a long-overdue catch-up. can't wait.

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la-dee-da

this weekend has been sort of blah, but a good kind of blah where you can relax for once and not have to "go go go" all the time, you know what i mean? socially, london rocks the casbah, but sometimes you just need a break!

met up with ms. journalist and frenchman on saturday; we were to go skating at the rink they set up at the natural history museum. we get there only to find that they're charging 10 pounds for an hour's worth of skating, and that you have to pre-book and all the tickets were sold out that day. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??? TEN BLOODY POUNDS!!! what a rip off, and the sad part is that most (if not all) the rinks in london are that expensive. oh how i miss the free ice skating back home!

with skating shot to hell, we went to, of all places, the science museum. this was where i worked back in 2002/2003; it was surreal going back there to say the least, like walking back in time. ran into a couple of people i used to know, one of them a manager. thank god i didn't run into the one i REALLY REALLY hated, good old squerge. it's weird going back to a place that held such fond memories for me, but at the same time such bad ones.

ms. journalist had to go, so frenchman and i had coffee and cake at a cafe nearby. t joined us and then it was just t and i for dinner at the pizza express joint by my old flat in earl's court (ahhh, memories!). then it was home for me, where i watched the country music awards on tv (don't ask); i quite enjoyed texting evil hypnotist while the show was on - his girlfriend LOVES country and we were taking the piss out of all the artists, good times.

i might see the wallace and gromit film today, been meaning to see it again since the t.o. film festival. oh, and can i just say how excited i am that i'll be coming home to t.o. shortly?! only three weeks to go!

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today is not a good day...

- people being far too rude than is EVER necessary, especially on a friday morning (i mean, when i say "excuse me" three times can you NOT MOVE YOUR BIG ASS OVER???)
- still waiting for my loan cheque to come through into my account (i.e. I HATE IEFC AND NATWEST)...frustrated to the point of tears
- the stupid keys on this damn keyboard not working, so that in order to type a "b" i have to press it down until my thumb hurts
- making friends with people and inviting them out to stuff, only they don't return the favour
- certain people who "horde" their friends

i am going home to eat and sleep this morning away; hopefully this evening will be better. am meeting the evil hypnotist for a late dinner and perhaps a movie so that's something to look forward to.

argh.

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it was a good day...

yesterday was busy. attended one (of two) lecture, and afterwards went to seven kings high school with Mrs. S from registry; they were running a small, universities fair for the kids in that area's enriched science/math program. afterwards they had a teacher from UCL who performed a chemistry show. i love chemistry shows. he had various balloons filled with either helium, hydrogen, or hydrogen + various salts. he held a match to each of them and they exploded with a huge bang, along with a flash of light in various colours, depending on what gas and what salt was in the balloon. it's funny how i knew what was coming (i.e. the bang), and yet still jumped when the balloon exploded.

afterwards i headed back to SOP, as someone i knew had her PhD viva (i.e. oral defense), and passed with flying colours. we headed to the bar to celebrate, then e and i went elsewhere for a cheap pizza and good conversation.

on tuesday night i had dinner with my mom's first cousin and her son down at new cross gate. my second cousin is an EXCELLENT cook, and it was great having a homemade chinese meal again, ahhh...she even gave me food that she cooked in advance and froze, so that i could take it back to the flat and defrost it and eat it whenever i want. two tupperwares full of lamb curry, and her own handmade fish balls. i am so lucky.

oops, they're closing the lab!

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p.s. sillyhead: thanks for all your comments...it took me a while to figure out who you are, but i know now...an email will be with you shortly! i'm glad you're reading my blog. say hi to ms. sillyhead for me.
p.p.s. lady in the street: i know this is terrible, but i still can't figure out who you are! i have one idea based on your location, no, i have two ideas, but can you email me letting me know? you have my email address, right? thanks for linking me on your blog, i will do the same.

interview and weekend...

the interview went really well i think. not to toot my own horn, but after going through countless interviews at waterpoo and beyond, i think it's fair to say i have my interview skills down to a fine art. they asked typical HR questions, like "describe a situation where you used your teamwork skills to produce a positive result. what was your contribution?" blah, blah, blah. there were two women interviewing me and the whole thing lasted about an hour. it's a simple bookseller's job (i.e. not rocket science), but i won't know until next week because they're interviewing gazillions of people (why? who knows). i think i did the best that i could do, so here's hoping!

the weekend: went to greenwich on saturday. had my GORGEOUS pies at goddard's pie house by the cutty sark (the cutty sark's a famous ship); chicken and mushroom pie with mash and gravy for lunch, then rhubarb crumble with custard for afternoon snack. heaven in a bowl. shopped around greenwich market (always some good buys), then went to the queen's house - no, not buckingham palace, it's actually called the queen's house - the great hall is a perfect cube. appealed to the geek in me.

sunday i had dim sum with my classmate t and her long-term boyfriend "a" (HOLY CRAP HE IS HOT! don't even get me started on describing his hotness), along with "e", the registry assistant (i.e. the job i used to do when i was working here). hearing the sounds and smelling the smells of a busy chinese restaurant felt like home. the food wasn't bad either. afterwards i went to Mass with t and a (hahaha, "t and a") - yes, Mass, as in Catholic Mass - i figured if i could go to a hare krishna temple with one friend, why not Mass with another? expanding my religious knowledge base if you will. the mass was delivered in cantonese too. while sitting in the pew i kept thinking of the simpsons attending church; i thought to myself "now i know what homer feels like."

"t and a" and Mass in one sentence, nice.

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interview...eek!

just a quickie, am off to my interview at 4pm - it's with waterstones bookstore (like our indigo/chapters) - have i told you this already?

should be researching about the company but instead am blogging. oh well.

if i get the job i'll be working weekends in the medical section of the bookstore. wish me luck!

eek, i'm a little nervous.

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good friends and moody bitches

had g over for dinner last night. made a YUMMY chick pea curry (well, with pork too - i know you're not suppose to put pork in it but the meat was defrosting and i wanted to eat it so anyhoo, the curry wasn't completely "kosher") if i do say so myself! we looked at pictures, gossiped and gossiped, and finished a whole bottle of wine. it was such a lovely evening in.

flatmate j came home expecting the flat to be empty (as i made last minute changes to my plans with g by inviting her over instead of going out). flatmate s was out until late, and he thought he had the whole flat to himself. anyhoo, he goes out again for an hour to the internet cafe, then comes home to make dinner for himself. he goes off on some weird-ass tangent about the tea towels being "soaking wet" whenever i use them - i mean excuse me? what the hell are tea towels used for if you don't dry your hands/dishes on them, thereby getting them wet? - i'm thinking "what the fuck has he been smoking to make him so paranoid over fucking tea towels?"

when g leaves i confront him and ask if something is wrong. basically he tells me that he was a bit "thrown" when he came home and found me there, as he was looking forward to some "me time" with himself. then he says he's the type of person that needs to be forwarned about people coming so that he can "prepare" himself. i'm like "prepare for what?" and he says it's his tendency to play the jester whenever he meets people. so i say "well then why can't you just be yourself?" as i secretly think to myself that his jester role is far more annoying than his normal self, and basically he just can't.

conclusion: i live with weirdos.

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awkward silence

it's starting to frustrate me how NO ONE in my tutor group EXCEPT ME speaks up when my lovely prof. b asks us a question. he asks us about everything; how school's going, what we think of the course, professors, likes, dislikes, how life outside of school is, pretty much everything under the sun. his questions are always met with an awkward silence, like it's so weird to actually speak up and have something to say. it drives me insane. these tutor meetings have the potential to be so helpful and productive and they're not, because no one shares anything except me. i don't want to monopolize the conversation but i invariably do. i even ask for the others' opinions and they just look at me like "why are you picking on me, i have nothing to say". how can someone have nothing to say? no opinion or feeling on anything, EVER??? and the other students in my tutor group all have first degrees like me, are all considered "mature" students, and yet they still aren't able to offer anything to a round-table discussion. prof. b isn't even intimidating, so they can't use that as an excuse. poo.

had two classes and i'm done for the day. time to go home and, what else, EAT!

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busy busy

sorry about not posting yesterday, had biochem lab til 5 and then was tutoring a friend until 6.

today's the first day in two/three weeks where i haven't been coughing like a mofo, yay!

oh, and congratulations to MD on his sister's new baby girl! i did get your email but had no time to reply yesterday (or today), but have time to congratulate you (and her) on my blog. please send them my best.

okay, three minutes until i meet my hunky academic tutor, mmm...

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exhale

i know you're all dying to know what my plan was regarding t, right? well, at least mr. bing was dying to know. this is for you mr. napoleon bing!

i met up with t for a coffee on sunday afternoon...i don't want to go into too much detail, as posts regarding romance end up becoming epic novels, but suffice it to say that we had much to talk about and came to many realizations about our relationship in the past, and where we're headed in the future - not as a couple, but as individual people. so no, we're not back together, but we're each in a much happier place emotionally than we were these past few weeks, ever since the "king's cross incident". that's not to say it might not happen for us in the future, but we realize that this time apart is and will be beneficial to us both. and it's not like we're expecting or hoping it will happen in the future, as that would put too much pressure on the both of us; we're just taking it one day at a time. like my mom says, you don't know what your future will be like until it happens, so you'll just have to wait and see what comes naturally.

yes i know this post sounds pretty cryptic, but i'm sure i'll fill you in on all the details when i see you all (hopefully) this christmas!

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popstarz

so last night i went with my two flatmates, s and j, and s's friend, let's call him mango, to Popstarz Night at La Scala near king's cross; it was a fundraiser in memory of a prominent figure in the gay community, with all proceeds going to cancer research uk. imagine a huge labyrinth of a club, with the main stage playing rock music and other rooms with other various types of music. tons and tons of people, a mix of all sexualities, genders, cultures, etc., everything under the sun!

we had to wait a bit to get into the club, and j was being a moody bitch because he wanted to go to bed instead of going to a club. he went because s wanted to go. remember they are bf and gf here. anyhoo, we're dancing on the main stage and j's mood just gets worse and worse, talk about a party pooper! sulking like nobody's business. s ignores it and instead sexy dances with another guy, nice. right in front of your boyfriend. mango and i are trying our best to ignore the drama when s abruptly leaves to go to another music room with the other guy! j quickly tells me "he's off", and goes home by himself. oh boy. mango and i end up upstairs in the room where s and boy are, as the music there was WAY better (justin timberlake AND C+C music factory, oh yeah, bring it on). mango and i are shaking our respective booties the way they're meant to be shaken, having a really great time. s takes off looking for us (apparently she was sexy dancing with boy so intensely she didn't see mango and i) and long story short, finds us an hour and a half later ready to go home. boo. too bad, it was a night where i could've stayed up dancing until dawn.

so s and i go home and j's still up and "wants to talk" to s. they go into his room but it's not like i can't hear anything. lordy. that's what sucks about living with a couple, having to put up with their drama. after watching an episode of the LOVEBOAT (exciting and new, come aboard, we're expecting you!), i went to bed rather than listen to them arguing.

oh, new term learned for the day: fruit fly - girls who hang out with gay guys. i know you might think "we'll that's what a fag hag is," but apparently (according to mango), fag hags are ugly, no social life, loserish women who constantly hang out with gay men (or just one in particular) because they don't have anyone else to hang out with, while fruit flies are better and cooler than that. and who says i'm not in london for an education?

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i can see (somewhat) clearly now...

so after an in-depth discussion with kiwigirl and g last night and a not-so-in-depth discussion with my flatmate j, i have a clearer idea now of what i want and what i need to do regarding t. i won't divulge anything at this point, but i'll let you know the outcome when it happens! it's just nice to finally not feel like i'm in limbo anymore...

must make this quick as i have my chemistry lab in 15 minutes. we're playing with salicylic acid today, ooo...

have a great weekend!
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blah

had a class today where we met a patient; she told us about her medical history and we asked her questions. the prof in charge was a lady from the states; she had a thick, southern accent and (this will sound weird) it was a refreshing change from all the british accents! it's funny how i'm so used to british accents that anything different perks my ears, even the nasal drawl of a southern accent.

i asked alot of questions as the rest of the class sat there quiet - i just don't understand how people here are so reserved and not willing to speak up! even in my academic tutor meetings i'm always the one to talk, no one will pipe up with anything except me. what is up with that? i don't want to dominate the conversation, but it's hard not to when no one will say anything except you. this may make me look like a keener in class, but i don't care.

i'm having dinner with kiwigirl and g tonight, can't wait for that. another intensive girl chat session, unless kiwigirl's boy flatmate and his boyfriend are thrown into the mix. but then you get the male perspective, and whether it's a gay or straight perspective it's always interesting to hear the male's take on things.

oh, and even though i'm not the one flying to DC on saturday, i am SOOO excited for kiwigirl and everyone (including canuckian) in DC! i think the excitement's infectious.

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hmmm...

don't have much to say today, still in limbo of the BIGGEST kind.

i feel like i'm going to have to make some sort of decision soon.

i've been staring at this computer for far too long.

as always, it's time to eat!

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thoroughly confused

e stopped over in london today for a few hours...t and i met her at her friend r's house. it was lovely to see e again; we have seen each other in over a year! how time flies. anyhoo, it was a great catch-up. can't wait to see e again back home in t.o. this christmas.

this was the first meeting between t and i since the "king's cross incident". holy crap it was weird/awkward/sad/everything. he came in, hugged e, then said hi to me, looking away quickly. the conversation flowed between the four of us, and he did ask me how my family was doing, especially my grandma; he said he missed the omlettes she used to make him when he was in t.o.. he couldn't look at me directly for long periods of time, it was always a darting glance here and there, but i was guilty of the same.

the four of us walked to baron's court station, then e had to go westbound to heathrow while the three of us went eastbound. we went for a few stops and then t got off the tube first; while on the tube i kept looking at him to see if he would look at me but he didn't, and as the journey progressed you could see that he was getting visibly upset. after he left the train, r turned to me and asked if i was okay, which i obviously wasn't. i started to cry a little from the emotion of it all, right on the bloody train (what is it with me crying in public places?). good thing r had tissue or i would've looked a mess.

so i don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel anymore. i am, as the subject says, thoroughly confused. i think i have to realise that a part of me wants to get back together with him, but the other part wants time and space and a guarantee that it'll work, and that we'll end up happily in canada. the other part also knows that i'm not getting any younger and i don't want to be wasting my time with someone who's not 100% guaranteed when i could be searching for someone else, even though i know nothing is 100% guaranteed. that other part of me also wonders if my eye is done wandering yet, even though t made me so happy.

what the hell is a girl to do?

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