e stopped over in london today for a few hours...t and i met her at her friend r's house. it was lovely to see e again; we have seen each other in over a year! how time flies. anyhoo, it was a great catch-up. can't wait to see e again back home in t.o. this christmas.
this was the first meeting between t and i since the "king's cross incident". holy crap it was weird/awkward/sad/everything. he came in, hugged e, then said hi to me, looking away quickly. the conversation flowed between the four of us, and he did ask me how my family was doing, especially my grandma; he said he missed the omlettes she used to make him when he was in t.o.. he couldn't look at me directly for long periods of time, it was always a darting glance here and there, but i was guilty of the same.
the four of us walked to baron's court station, then e had to go westbound to heathrow while the three of us went eastbound. we went for a few stops and then t got off the tube first; while on the tube i kept looking at him to see if he would look at me but he didn't, and as the journey progressed you could see that he was getting visibly upset. after he left the train, r turned to me and asked if i was okay, which i obviously wasn't. i started to cry a little from the emotion of it all, right on the bloody train (what is it with me crying in public places?). good thing r had tissue or i would've looked a mess.
so i don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel anymore. i am, as the subject says, thoroughly confused. i think i have to realise that a part of me wants to get back together with him, but the other part wants time and space and a guarantee that it'll work, and that we'll end up happily in canada. the other part also knows that i'm not getting any younger and i don't want to be wasting my time with someone who's not 100% guaranteed when i could be searching for someone else, even though i know nothing is 100% guaranteed. that other part of me also wonders if my eye is done wandering yet, even though t made me so happy.
what the hell is a girl to do?
CET
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2 comments:
Wow, that is a tough choice. But I don't think you should be with somebody just to BE with somebody. It's not worth it and doesn't accomplish anything.
You may not be getting any younger...true...but is there a "right" age for love??? I think not. I think you'll know when you know. And when you know, you won't be full of questions.....just something to think about.
i know if i was with t it wouldn't be just to "be" with him...as for not having any questions when you know, i'm not sure about that. my heart and my mind are constantly at war - when do they ever agree on anything? - so even if i know what i should do, my mind will put up alot of resistance!
CET
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