dear office boy,
you will never know about my favourite coffee shop here, with it's floor-to-ceiling wood panelling and bar top counter, over a century of wear worn into each knot and fibre; you love old buildings and architectural details and i know you would've loved this place as much as i do;
you will never know that on one particular bus route i take i pass by an outdoor sculpture by an artist that we've talked about and discussed at length, and that seeing this piece reminds me of you;
you will never know how i saw a t-shirt at camden market that i know you'd love, as the design on it was the exact same as on the poster you showed me at your apartment that morning;
you will never know how i can't look at ties and cufflinks without thinking of you; i liked picking out your tie that day and remember how you mentioned that we should go tie shopping together;
you will never know the depths of my feelings for you, which surprised me most of all; despite these feelings, i knew from the start that everything was doomed to fail;
you never promised me anything nor i to you; we had nothing between us except those moments and yet i cried and felt loss when i found out you are currently seeing someone and that it's "serious".
i hate the fact that more and more i realize "timing is everything", and yet timing is something i don't seem to have.
i hate the fact that you couldn't even tell me yourself.
i hate the fact that i put myself out there time and time again, and yet time and time again i come away bruised and battered. i take solace in the fact that despite this, i have enough courage to make myself vulnerable to people and take chances, and because of this i have no regrets.
i hate the fact that even as i type this i miss you, and want to talk/e-mail/see you when i know i won't and will not.
i hate the fact that i've always known that you don't care for me as much as i care for you, and yet my feelings continued to grow.
i don't wish you any malice or ill-will; this is just life as it happens and right now i'm just getting the short end of the stick. as always time will heal; i look forward to the day where i can look back on this fondly.
sincerely,
CET
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4 comments:
Hey You:
You know what I say "you'll never be able to shake what the heart won't let you"
It's a pain feeling the way you do - but look at it this way... you've learned more about yourself then you did before you met him. Everything propels you to the next level in life... even missing out on possible love.
Oh .... my dear CET
It's such a heart felt note to the office boy. I feel for you. I am kinda (but not exactly) going through something similar. It more what Mr. Big and Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the city share. Mr. Big is this insensitive, selfish character and at the same time sweeps Carrie off her feet. Meanwhile, all Carrie can do is think about him.
On a slightly separate note, you are such a great writer and you should really think of taking up writing on a slight bigger scale than blogging... maybe professionally.
I almost fell off my chair reading about your experience at Tate Modern slide.
thanks for your comments office biatch and nunuk!
i am already feeling better though i still have little pangs every now and then...my heart has been through much worse and i have survived (and thrived!), so i'm sure i will be fine.
nunuk: thank you so much for your flattering comments about my writing - my ego definitely needs a boost right now! - i don't know about taking this to the next level, as there are most certainly other bloggers who are far funnier/more articulate than me, but i will continue to put my thoughts down in cyberspace and we'll see where it takes me...
CET :o)
oh, and i can't believe you've drawn parallels between me & office boy and mr. big & carrie - i love sex and the city! - i can definitely see the similarities, though i seriously lack the designer wardrobe and office boy seriously lacks the oh-my-god-chris-noth-is-so-hot factor.
CET :o)
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