unconscious fear rearing its ugly head

you can't control other people's actions, only your own.

only you can control your reaction to other people.

this is what i keep telling myself.

i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.

for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?

i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.

i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.

it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.

how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.

how to feel your age

i'm settling into my new place nicely. the landlord's pretty cool and laidback and it's been fun playing with his three year old son (i.e. another means for procrastination); one of his cats acts more like a dog and is always coming up to me for cuddles which is nice. i think i'll always be a dog person at heart but cats have a wee space there too.

do you remember when you were in your early twenties, and how you thought thirty was positively ancient? do young people today feel the same way about thirty year olds as we did then? god, you know you're old when you use the term "young people".

i'm having thoughts/musings about being a "mature" student amongst 21 year olds but i can't seem to articulate them. i've written and deleted several attempts. basically i think i feel kind of stuck in between the 21 year old's world and the world i think i should be in, which is the thirty-something's. all i do is hang around people much younger than myself (due to my degree course - no, i'm not a perv!) that it actually leaves me feeling somewhat intimidated when i have to carry on a conversation with someone who's my age or older. wtf?

i went to a concert last night with my university friends here; one of them got free tickets to see "one night only". hmmm. i think i might've enjoyed them more if i was a wee bit younger, but then again, if they actually played good music i don't think age would have been an issue. no, they weren't THAT bad - maybe i'm just that jaded? - i had to laugh out loud when the lead singer took off his t-shirt to reveal a red wife-beater underneath - the girls screamed in lusty approval but he was honestly the scrawniest boy i've ever seen in my life, i mean, look at this picture:



see what i mean? and again, skinny jeans rear their ugly head.

wow, this post is about a whole lot of nothin'. hey, here's a picture of the snow that fell in londontown last night:



i was caught unawares and did not have a hat nor scarf to keep the half-ass snow/rain at bay. got a little soaked running to the bus stop. felt slightly damp and miserable upon arrival home but am right as rain today after making a huge english breakfast.

oh, speaking of which, i might be gaining (and maintaining) the "middle aged mid-section" - the belly that won't go away even after a big session on the loo. spare tire, love handles, whatever you call it...i think it's gotten to a point where exercise of some magnitude is in order. now if only i knew what exercise was...

sorry to bother you all with such a shite post! back to work!

CET :o)