unconscious fear rearing its ugly head

you can't control other people's actions, only your own.

only you can control your reaction to other people.

this is what i keep telling myself.

i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.

for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?

i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.

i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.

it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.

how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.