i had a recent email debate with an ex of mine (the only ex i still speak to, come to think of it) about whether it's better to withhold the truth in order to avoid conflict, or tell the truth and deal with the consequence, even if the consequence is conflict. he said some people value avoiding conflict over telling the truth, while i say that telling the truth is the right thing to do, as avoiding conflict just makes you chicken shit. what do you think?
and i know my next statement is a GROSS generalization but it is one made based on my own personal experiences these last few years: canadian guys value telling the truth while british guys value avoiding conflict.
my ex (the one i had the debate with) has always been honest and direct in all his dealings with me, when we were together and now as friends; i respected french-canadian guy because he told me straight up that he had started seeing someone who wanted the same things he did (i.e. a relationship), and that he didn't want to jeopardize that by seeing me, as i only wanted something casual. both are canadian.
on the other hand, my british ex (remember "ex-T?") recently avoided telling me that he got engaged, leaving the dirty work to mutual friends. remember londoner? we had a brief fling before i left for canada for the summer, back at the end of second year; he avoided telling me that he had started seeing someone while i was away, and only came out with the truth when i called him on it. and youngin'? oh my god, don't even get me started on him. i won't go into the gory details but suffice it to say that there were SHITLOADS of things that i didn't find out until well after the fact, because he was too afraid/chicken shit to tell me. all of them are british (or english if i have to be specific - don't want to drag the lovely scots, welsh and northern irishmen into the cesspool of deceit if they don't deserve it).
so there you go. why do you think this is so? what are your opinions/conspiracy theories? am i just particularly "lucky" in meeting all these english guys who avoid the truth like the plague? why do they give the truth so little value? maybe i give the truth too high a value. then again, maybe not.
what are your thoughts? your own experiences? any insight is greatly appreciated.
CET :o)
Showing posts with label youngin'. Show all posts
Showing posts with label youngin'. Show all posts
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
self-realization (not the good kind)
yep, i am that girl. that crazy girl.
youngin' is not dating ex-flattie. it was all in my head. me and my jumping-to-conclusions. me and my own issues.
eek. i'm that girl.
as one of my lecturers pointed out a little while ago (and not in reference to me might i add - it had something to do with something or other that i don't remember now), "(i am) locked in the tragedy of my own story."
gotta get out of that, pronto!
in other news, today marks the start of my study/revision period until exams in the first week of february. wish me luck!
youngin' is not dating ex-flattie. it was all in my head. me and my jumping-to-conclusions. me and my own issues.
eek. i'm that girl.
as one of my lecturers pointed out a little while ago (and not in reference to me might i add - it had something to do with something or other that i don't remember now), "(i am) locked in the tragedy of my own story."
gotta get out of that, pronto!
in other news, today marks the start of my study/revision period until exams in the first week of february. wish me luck!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
unconscious fear rearing its ugly head
you can't control other people's actions, only your own.
only you can control your reaction to other people.
this is what i keep telling myself.
i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.
for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.
i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?
i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.
i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.
it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.
how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.
only you can control your reaction to other people.
this is what i keep telling myself.
i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.
for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.
i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?
i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.
i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.
it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.
how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.
Tuesday, December 02, 2008
and can i just say...
i rocked my new frock two fridays ago! i wore it to work at the bar and so funny: a bunch of students were playing "truth or dare" (how old school!) and one of the guys came up to me at the bar and said "my friends dared me to tell you that you look sexy but you DO look sexy!" hahaha, nice. compliment? i'll take it as such.
youngin' was also working the bar with me and, ahem, we ended up in some naughty dealings with each other at the end of the night. oops. it wasn't like fireworks went off and i think that's the problem - i think i've finally, FINALLY, realized that i don't want to shag him ever, ever, ever again. i think all this time i've viewed him through rose-coloured glasses because even when we were kissing i thought to myself "hmmm, i don't remember his kissing technique being this sub-par!" if that doesn't tell you it's not a good idea then i don't know what does. anyhoo, we agreed it was a bad idea to go down this slippy slope again; we also promised each other not to "act weird" about it when we see each other at school. you know how it is, you shag someone you're not suppose to/shouldn't and then the next time you see them it's awkward as fuck. nope, not this time, not if i can help it. i've seen him since then and it's been fine. another youngin'-related thing to irk me however is this:
a) youngin' is a big, flirty whore and will literally flirt the pants off anything that moves, and admits as much;
b) a "friend" of mine, who has told me in the past that she would never do anything with youngin', especially as she knows our history, is flirting with him like NOBODY'S business;
c) seeing this peeves me.
i wish it didn't but it does. on one hand i actually trust youngin' when he tells me nothing has or will happen with this "friend" but on the other hand i'm not so sure. this "friend" likes to be a cock-tease and disturb the shit when it comes to boys; i trust her less than i trust youngin'! then there's always the argument of "why should i care?" i shouldn't really, i know i shouldn't, but i do. argh. i'm not working the next few shifts at the bar (until the new year if i can swing it); i'm glad because it means less exposure to the two of them.
i need to get away from all that malarkey.
CET
youngin' was also working the bar with me and, ahem, we ended up in some naughty dealings with each other at the end of the night. oops. it wasn't like fireworks went off and i think that's the problem - i think i've finally, FINALLY, realized that i don't want to shag him ever, ever, ever again. i think all this time i've viewed him through rose-coloured glasses because even when we were kissing i thought to myself "hmmm, i don't remember his kissing technique being this sub-par!" if that doesn't tell you it's not a good idea then i don't know what does. anyhoo, we agreed it was a bad idea to go down this slippy slope again; we also promised each other not to "act weird" about it when we see each other at school. you know how it is, you shag someone you're not suppose to/shouldn't and then the next time you see them it's awkward as fuck. nope, not this time, not if i can help it. i've seen him since then and it's been fine. another youngin'-related thing to irk me however is this:
a) youngin' is a big, flirty whore and will literally flirt the pants off anything that moves, and admits as much;
b) a "friend" of mine, who has told me in the past that she would never do anything with youngin', especially as she knows our history, is flirting with him like NOBODY'S business;
c) seeing this peeves me.
i wish it didn't but it does. on one hand i actually trust youngin' when he tells me nothing has or will happen with this "friend" but on the other hand i'm not so sure. this "friend" likes to be a cock-tease and disturb the shit when it comes to boys; i trust her less than i trust youngin'! then there's always the argument of "why should i care?" i shouldn't really, i know i shouldn't, but i do. argh. i'm not working the next few shifts at the bar (until the new year if i can swing it); i'm glad because it means less exposure to the two of them.
i need to get away from all that malarkey.
CET
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
loose screw
wow. i think i'm a cliche. i just spent the evening watching old "sex and the city" episodes while eating leftover curry. i think the cliche involves eating ice cream but bah, close enough.
how the heck do you put the accent agu on top of the e in "cliche"? where is the button for that???
it's times like now that i think i should just finish my last year here and go home. fact is that while london is cool and exciting and just full of so much stuff to do, i don't feel like anyone here cares for me. no, i'm not being self-pitying, i'm pretty sure it's a fact. i've been here for a week and a half and i've barely seen anyone. everyone's too busy - everyone's always too busy - i don't think anyone would notice whether i lived in london or not!
no wait, there is one person who's happy to see me back: my friend gabby. love her to bits. she's preggers, working full-time and doing her masters of finance in the evenings. she is also the most beautiful woman i know. seriously. fucking knockout with a heart of gold. i wish i could see her right now.
okay, okay, i'm going to slap myself now. as cher said in a movie once, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
rant over. must suck it up and move on. if progress was made in the lit review i have to write i would probably be feeling better right now.
oh no wait, rant not over. I HATE FACEBOOK. i hate it for telling me youngin' is now in a relationship. i hate it for the fact that i can click on his new girlfriend's profile and see what she looks like. i hate it for the fact that he's been tagged in a photo with his arm around her. i hate the fact that i'm still curious about him. i hate the fact that i even liked him! i hate the fact that he's good-looking in that roughian kind of way that just makes me want to jump and ride him everytime i see him! i hate the fact that he still has that effect on me. i hate the fact that i still want to shag him, even when the sex wasn't stellar in the first place! even with his knob being so big! i hate the fact that i know his knob is big!!!
whew. i'm spent. goodnight.
CET
how the heck do you put the accent agu on top of the e in "cliche"? where is the button for that???
it's times like now that i think i should just finish my last year here and go home. fact is that while london is cool and exciting and just full of so much stuff to do, i don't feel like anyone here cares for me. no, i'm not being self-pitying, i'm pretty sure it's a fact. i've been here for a week and a half and i've barely seen anyone. everyone's too busy - everyone's always too busy - i don't think anyone would notice whether i lived in london or not!
no wait, there is one person who's happy to see me back: my friend gabby. love her to bits. she's preggers, working full-time and doing her masters of finance in the evenings. she is also the most beautiful woman i know. seriously. fucking knockout with a heart of gold. i wish i could see her right now.
okay, okay, i'm going to slap myself now. as cher said in a movie once, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"
rant over. must suck it up and move on. if progress was made in the lit review i have to write i would probably be feeling better right now.
oh no wait, rant not over. I HATE FACEBOOK. i hate it for telling me youngin' is now in a relationship. i hate it for the fact that i can click on his new girlfriend's profile and see what she looks like. i hate it for the fact that he's been tagged in a photo with his arm around her. i hate the fact that i'm still curious about him. i hate the fact that i even liked him! i hate the fact that he's good-looking in that roughian kind of way that just makes me want to jump and ride him everytime i see him! i hate the fact that he still has that effect on me. i hate the fact that i still want to shag him, even when the sex wasn't stellar in the first place! even with his knob being so big! i hate the fact that i know his knob is big!!!
whew. i'm spent. goodnight.
CET
Sunday, February 10, 2008
beautiful things
EXAMS ARE DONE, WOOHOO! and that's all i'm going to say about that. :o)
i came across this blog where the author chronicles three beautiful things that happen in her life each day. i have a week to bring you up to date on, and i can't keep it to just three, but i will pinch the format for today's post:
Beautiful Things In the Past Week:
1. sitting on the side of the bathtub with nunuk at 3am after a night of dancing after my last exam; we were soaking our aching, dance-worn feet while munching on fried chicken and chips.
2. chatting with coffee shop hottie and finding out he was born in the year of the monkey (making him 27).
3. having the time to wander around my favourite haunts (coffee shop, spitalfields, brick lane) without a care in the world.
4. going to bluewater with some friends and buying a sexy, very scandalous top.
5. finally starting philip pullman's "the amber spyglass" and being totally engrossed in it, so much so that i got in trouble at the pharmacy by my boss (but i didn't care). I LOVE IOREK.
6. celebrating the year of the rat with family, friends, parades, fireworks and GOOD FOOD.
7. a beautiful weekend of weather here in londontown.
8. youngin' telling me in his indirect, boyish but sincere way that he doesn't want to see me leave england. it made me smile.
number 8 happened at the school bar on friday; i was working and he showed up, buying me G&Ts (a job where you can drink on the job!) and chatting with me for a few hours before heading out with his mates for a boys' night on the town. he asked me what my plans were after graduation (i still have over a year left); i told him most likely i'll be going home to canada, though i have had thoughts lately about qualifying here in england first. he then proceeds to tell me that england needs more people like me, that i'm unique (although he used the word "obscure" i think, hahaha) and that he'll be sad to see me go. he then leaned over the bar and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before dashing off.
before you get any negative thoughts in your head don't worry, nothing happened or will happen; i just think we share a mutual fondness for each other and that was his way of telling me he'll miss me. his speech reminds me of the scene from "bridget jones' diary" where bridget makes an ass of herself in front of everyone at the darcy's anniversary party when it's announced that mark darcy is moving to new york; she gives a speech about england losing its "top person" and "legal brain" and when youngin' gave his little schpiel to me, that scene came to mind.
i got this off of youtube (of course); it's a little long and i think it downloads a bit slow, but the scene's somewhere in the middle and it still cracks me up:
CET :o)
i came across this blog where the author chronicles three beautiful things that happen in her life each day. i have a week to bring you up to date on, and i can't keep it to just three, but i will pinch the format for today's post:
Beautiful Things In the Past Week:
1. sitting on the side of the bathtub with nunuk at 3am after a night of dancing after my last exam; we were soaking our aching, dance-worn feet while munching on fried chicken and chips.
2. chatting with coffee shop hottie and finding out he was born in the year of the monkey (making him 27).
3. having the time to wander around my favourite haunts (coffee shop, spitalfields, brick lane) without a care in the world.
4. going to bluewater with some friends and buying a sexy, very scandalous top.
5. finally starting philip pullman's "the amber spyglass" and being totally engrossed in it, so much so that i got in trouble at the pharmacy by my boss (but i didn't care). I LOVE IOREK.
6. celebrating the year of the rat with family, friends, parades, fireworks and GOOD FOOD.
7. a beautiful weekend of weather here in londontown.
8. youngin' telling me in his indirect, boyish but sincere way that he doesn't want to see me leave england. it made me smile.
number 8 happened at the school bar on friday; i was working and he showed up, buying me G&Ts (a job where you can drink on the job!) and chatting with me for a few hours before heading out with his mates for a boys' night on the town. he asked me what my plans were after graduation (i still have over a year left); i told him most likely i'll be going home to canada, though i have had thoughts lately about qualifying here in england first. he then proceeds to tell me that england needs more people like me, that i'm unique (although he used the word "obscure" i think, hahaha) and that he'll be sad to see me go. he then leaned over the bar and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before dashing off.
before you get any negative thoughts in your head don't worry, nothing happened or will happen; i just think we share a mutual fondness for each other and that was his way of telling me he'll miss me. his speech reminds me of the scene from "bridget jones' diary" where bridget makes an ass of herself in front of everyone at the darcy's anniversary party when it's announced that mark darcy is moving to new york; she gives a speech about england losing its "top person" and "legal brain" and when youngin' gave his little schpiel to me, that scene came to mind.
i got this off of youtube (of course); it's a little long and i think it downloads a bit slow, but the scene's somewhere in the middle and it still cracks me up:
CET :o)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
yep, angry phase kicking in
i had a good long telephone catch-up with my friend nunuk tonight (he was in france visiting his luv-ah); i gave him an update on youngin' and upon talking about it with nunuk i realized something, which was enforced when i went back and read all my posts on him:
it was all youngin's fault.
i gave him the benefit of the doubt FAR too many times. i was there for him, empathized with him and took his side when he totally didn't deserve it! if it wasn't one issue with youngin' it was another. first it was him, then it was his family, next it was outstanding issues with his ex; god, and every time i sympathized, like he was the victim in all of these problems when really he orchestrated it (or pretty much most of it). i didn't want him to hurt so i let myself get hurt instead. what a fool i was! argh!
in a strange sort of way he reminds me of my very first boyfriend oh so many years ago, in my last year of high school; a moody, miserable git that blamed his parents and the whole world for his misery. only difference is youngin' wasn't by any means as moody as first bf was, plus he's a helluva lot more good-looking than first bf (a girl's gotta move up, not down!). :o)
though it's useless saying this now i should've known better with youngin' than to start something with him; his middle name is the same name as first bf - that should've been the tip-off.
CET :o)
it was all youngin's fault.
i gave him the benefit of the doubt FAR too many times. i was there for him, empathized with him and took his side when he totally didn't deserve it! if it wasn't one issue with youngin' it was another. first it was him, then it was his family, next it was outstanding issues with his ex; god, and every time i sympathized, like he was the victim in all of these problems when really he orchestrated it (or pretty much most of it). i didn't want him to hurt so i let myself get hurt instead. what a fool i was! argh!
in a strange sort of way he reminds me of my very first boyfriend oh so many years ago, in my last year of high school; a moody, miserable git that blamed his parents and the whole world for his misery. only difference is youngin' wasn't by any means as moody as first bf was, plus he's a helluva lot more good-looking than first bf (a girl's gotta move up, not down!). :o)
though it's useless saying this now i should've known better with youngin' than to start something with him; his middle name is the same name as first bf - that should've been the tip-off.
CET :o)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
diabolical writing
another day of revision comes and goes...left the flat today for a late lunch in the village, followed by a snail's pace stroll back to the flat. then more revision. then dinner. then revision. lather. rinse. repeat. lather. rinse. repeat.
back home over christmas i saw the movie "juno" and i loved it! paulie bleecker IS boss. and canadian too (the oh-so-sweet-you-want-to-pinch-his-cheeks michael cera). i didn't realize until today that it was written by a blogger, diablo cody to be exact. she seems like one pretty cool chick. i like her. here's her myspace link.
and finally, i stole this from diablo cody's blog but heck, it's from youtube. in regards to youngin' i think i'm feeling a little like angela chase at the moment, though perhaps with a little less teenage angst:
CET :o)
back home over christmas i saw the movie "juno" and i loved it! paulie bleecker IS boss. and canadian too (the oh-so-sweet-you-want-to-pinch-his-cheeks michael cera). i didn't realize until today that it was written by a blogger, diablo cody to be exact. she seems like one pretty cool chick. i like her. here's her myspace link.
and finally, i stole this from diablo cody's blog but heck, it's from youtube. in regards to youngin' i think i'm feeling a little like angela chase at the moment, though perhaps with a little less teenage angst:
CET :o)
Sunday, January 20, 2008
a desk instead of a ball
exam time is here and CET is deep in revision, that is when she's not checking e-mails every two seconds, checking facebook every two seconds, browsing her itunes every two seconds, going to the kitchen for a snack every two seconds, and generally procrastinating every two seconds, she is getting her work done. :o)
still actually quite bummed out about youngin'...the same questions that will never be answered keep swimming in my head; i think about what he's up to, whether he thinks about me and if so what he thinks...i want him to think about me and regret not taking a chance with me. i want him to miss me. and i wonder what's worse - not seeing him these next couple of weeks but thinking about him, or seeing him everyday at school and thinking about him - i just want him out of my head already. if i could just remove that part of my hypothalamus in charge of emotions from my brain, place it in a box on my desk, keep it there for the duration of exams and then place it back into my brain afterwards, i'd be fine. that's what i need, a hypothalamic lobotamy.
i left the flat for a walk yesterday afternoon, after not leaving for three days in a row (yes people, i am literally chained to my desk); i had to get out to remind myself what fresh air smelled like (in london it smells pretty much like pollution) and to stretch my muscles before they atrophied. i walked to the nearby village and came across a pile of tulips on sale...i ended up buying tulips in the same colours as the ones i bought last year, when living in whitechapel with vij. deep purple, bright fuschia and pale pink.
oh, and i popped by the coffee shop on wednesday and chatted briefly with coffee shop hottie; still as cute as ever and still with the same brown eyes that i could happily swim in. i daydreamed today that he came into the bar where i work and promptly chatted me up!
i miss vij. i miss my american classmate too (she's finishing her degree in the states). i miss having another fun, brilliant, slightly crazy single girl to hash the gossip with, to hit the town with and paint it red. anyone know where i can meet one?
right, back to studying.
CET
still actually quite bummed out about youngin'...the same questions that will never be answered keep swimming in my head; i think about what he's up to, whether he thinks about me and if so what he thinks...i want him to think about me and regret not taking a chance with me. i want him to miss me. and i wonder what's worse - not seeing him these next couple of weeks but thinking about him, or seeing him everyday at school and thinking about him - i just want him out of my head already. if i could just remove that part of my hypothalamus in charge of emotions from my brain, place it in a box on my desk, keep it there for the duration of exams and then place it back into my brain afterwards, i'd be fine. that's what i need, a hypothalamic lobotamy.
i left the flat for a walk yesterday afternoon, after not leaving for three days in a row (yes people, i am literally chained to my desk); i had to get out to remind myself what fresh air smelled like (in london it smells pretty much like pollution) and to stretch my muscles before they atrophied. i walked to the nearby village and came across a pile of tulips on sale...i ended up buying tulips in the same colours as the ones i bought last year, when living in whitechapel with vij. deep purple, bright fuschia and pale pink.
oh, and i popped by the coffee shop on wednesday and chatted briefly with coffee shop hottie; still as cute as ever and still with the same brown eyes that i could happily swim in. i daydreamed today that he came into the bar where i work and promptly chatted me up!
i miss vij. i miss my american classmate too (she's finishing her degree in the states). i miss having another fun, brilliant, slightly crazy single girl to hash the gossip with, to hit the town with and paint it red. anyone know where i can meet one?
right, back to studying.
CET
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
knots
i've been back in london since last thursday and jet lag is still kicking my butt. woke up around 2:30 this morning and had a hell of a time trying to fall back asleep.
it's gone past 10pm now and given my state of consciousness (or lack thereof), i don't think any studying will get done tonight. i still seem to have half a mind to blog though. :o)
i have that feeling where you need to be out of your own skin, if only for a little while. restless, itchy, wanting to scream and run around but not being able to. melancholy over youngin', stressed about pending exams...my mind and my body can't seem to settle.
i want to punch youngin' and hug him at the same time.
i was talking to a friend today and she said my problem is that i tell the guys i date too soon that it's not my intention to stay in england after i'm done my degree (it never was, it never will be). she says because it's established that i'm not going to live here permanently, it gives them the mindset that this will only be casual and that they don't have to invest their feelings in me, hence they will have fun with me for the time i'm here, but then as soon as i go back home to toronto, whether for christmas or for the summer, by the time i return they have already started dating someone else. depending on the guy they will either have told me right away (i.e. french canadian, youngin'), not at all (office boy), or only after i drag it out of them because they're too chicken shit to tell me of their own accord (i.e. londoner).
do you think this is the case? what's the point of postponing the truth, of telling them later rather than sooner that i won't be in london forever? get them in deep and then spring it on them? i don't think that's fair to the guy at all.
there's definitely a pattern to my dating but are they all connected or have i just been unlucky enough for it to happen to me four consecutive times?
my sister canuckian complained that i've been posting about boys too much lately, but i don't think i can help it. school and boys (well, a particular boy) have pretty much occupied my mind and my time since october. and do people want to read my whinging and whining about school, or about boys? :o)
i continue to have thoughts and observations about living in london and will try to write about them when i can, but at the moment everything seems hazy and grey and it's not just the bad english weather.
CET :o(
it's gone past 10pm now and given my state of consciousness (or lack thereof), i don't think any studying will get done tonight. i still seem to have half a mind to blog though. :o)
i have that feeling where you need to be out of your own skin, if only for a little while. restless, itchy, wanting to scream and run around but not being able to. melancholy over youngin', stressed about pending exams...my mind and my body can't seem to settle.
i want to punch youngin' and hug him at the same time.
i was talking to a friend today and she said my problem is that i tell the guys i date too soon that it's not my intention to stay in england after i'm done my degree (it never was, it never will be). she says because it's established that i'm not going to live here permanently, it gives them the mindset that this will only be casual and that they don't have to invest their feelings in me, hence they will have fun with me for the time i'm here, but then as soon as i go back home to toronto, whether for christmas or for the summer, by the time i return they have already started dating someone else. depending on the guy they will either have told me right away (i.e. french canadian, youngin'), not at all (office boy), or only after i drag it out of them because they're too chicken shit to tell me of their own accord (i.e. londoner).
do you think this is the case? what's the point of postponing the truth, of telling them later rather than sooner that i won't be in london forever? get them in deep and then spring it on them? i don't think that's fair to the guy at all.
there's definitely a pattern to my dating but are they all connected or have i just been unlucky enough for it to happen to me four consecutive times?
my sister canuckian complained that i've been posting about boys too much lately, but i don't think i can help it. school and boys (well, a particular boy) have pretty much occupied my mind and my time since october. and do people want to read my whinging and whining about school, or about boys? :o)
i continue to have thoughts and observations about living in london and will try to write about them when i can, but at the moment everything seems hazy and grey and it's not just the bad english weather.
CET :o(
Friday, January 04, 2008
no more
no more "benefits" with youngin. that's it. i'm done.
we had a talk last night and we decided (due to our respective reasons) that our friendship is more important than the benefits, and that continuing the benefits will only hurt (me mostly, of course). i told him how much he has hurt me and he feels like shit and i'm glad, because he deserves it. At least for a little while.
he asked for my forgiveness but i said that will have to come with time.
i've also noticed a pattern in the men that i've dated and/or slept with in the last two years and i don't like it; while i don't ever want the fear of getting hurt to stop me from meeting people/starting a relationship with them, i seriously need a break from all this bullshit, and will perhaps be more discerning with who i will allow in my heart next.
in other news, i have an endocrinology test on my first day back at school next monday, as well as a pharmacy practice assessment graded by the royal pharmaceutical society of great britain on friday. i have to pass in order to enter my fourth year. oh joy!
wish me luck people,
CET :o)
we had a talk last night and we decided (due to our respective reasons) that our friendship is more important than the benefits, and that continuing the benefits will only hurt (me mostly, of course). i told him how much he has hurt me and he feels like shit and i'm glad, because he deserves it. At least for a little while.
he asked for my forgiveness but i said that will have to come with time.
i've also noticed a pattern in the men that i've dated and/or slept with in the last two years and i don't like it; while i don't ever want the fear of getting hurt to stop me from meeting people/starting a relationship with them, i seriously need a break from all this bullshit, and will perhaps be more discerning with who i will allow in my heart next.
in other news, i have an endocrinology test on my first day back at school next monday, as well as a pharmacy practice assessment graded by the royal pharmaceutical society of great britain on friday. i have to pass in order to enter my fourth year. oh joy!
wish me luck people,
CET :o)
Monday, December 17, 2007
falling into a situation
no posts in forever, and now i'm a blogging machine!
update on the youngin': i think we have fallen into that clear-as-mud category known as "friends...with benefits". i think it's a combination of him not being able to make up his mind and my waves of strength and weakness. actually, i should give myself a little more credit because i'm going into this with my eyes open - i know exactly what the situation is and i control my part in it - it's just that i know that whether or not i sleep with him it's still going to hurt. obviously you might think it's stupid of me to get into all that, knowing i'm going to get hurt, and why hurt more when you can hurt less, but even if there were no "benefits" attached to our friendship, leaving the friendship in february (i'm coming back to toronto to do a research project) will still make me sad.
it's very strange because perhaps in a different time and a different place things might've worked out (for a least a while longer than it actually did); my flatmate asked me if i wondered what our relationship (in the general sense of the word) would have been like if it didn't start the way that it started, with all that flirting and kissing, but i say what's the point in thinking those things? youngin' and i have an intense attraction to each other that's fuelled by our respectively flirty natures - even if we had started out as "just friends" i'm pretty sure it would've become more than that pretty quickly. anyhoo...
basically, with or without the sex, youngin' and i get on like a house on fire - he is quite unlike any of my friends in london and strangely enough, i think that's what i gravitate to the most - he brings out a side of me that hasn't been brought out in a while. neuronal pathways, little used in that particular region of the brain, are firing again. he just makes me think and interact in a way that i find refreshing and fun. it just all depends on me as to whether this fun includes between the sheets.
CET :o)
update on the youngin': i think we have fallen into that clear-as-mud category known as "friends...with benefits". i think it's a combination of him not being able to make up his mind and my waves of strength and weakness. actually, i should give myself a little more credit because i'm going into this with my eyes open - i know exactly what the situation is and i control my part in it - it's just that i know that whether or not i sleep with him it's still going to hurt. obviously you might think it's stupid of me to get into all that, knowing i'm going to get hurt, and why hurt more when you can hurt less, but even if there were no "benefits" attached to our friendship, leaving the friendship in february (i'm coming back to toronto to do a research project) will still make me sad.
it's very strange because perhaps in a different time and a different place things might've worked out (for a least a while longer than it actually did); my flatmate asked me if i wondered what our relationship (in the general sense of the word) would have been like if it didn't start the way that it started, with all that flirting and kissing, but i say what's the point in thinking those things? youngin' and i have an intense attraction to each other that's fuelled by our respectively flirty natures - even if we had started out as "just friends" i'm pretty sure it would've become more than that pretty quickly. anyhoo...
basically, with or without the sex, youngin' and i get on like a house on fire - he is quite unlike any of my friends in london and strangely enough, i think that's what i gravitate to the most - he brings out a side of me that hasn't been brought out in a while. neuronal pathways, little used in that particular region of the brain, are firing again. he just makes me think and interact in a way that i find refreshing and fun. it just all depends on me as to whether this fun includes between the sheets.
CET :o)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
it's all good (well, getting there)
things between youngin' and i are over. i am glad and relieved. i must say although the primary reason things pittered out was him, it was also his particular situation, and because of that there are no hard feelings between us and things will remain amicable. i am glad for that too.
things i will miss the most: his hands and lips. strong, experienced hands and big, full lips, the kind you can kiss/suck/gnaw on for hours, mmm...
CET :o)
things i will miss the most: his hands and lips. strong, experienced hands and big, full lips, the kind you can kiss/suck/gnaw on for hours, mmm...
CET :o)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
i'm alive, i'm alive!
it's been a long month.
i'm sorry for my absence from the blogsphere - i'll state the usual about how school is crazy and absolutely hectic but it's true, in addition to my two part-time jobs - but let's just skip all that and get to the gossip:
i met a boy and boy oh boy, it's been up and it's been down (it's currently down). what shall i call him? hmmm, i've had a few suggestions from a friend that i will not repeat here...suffice it to say he is a few years younger than me (i seem to have a knack for attracting the younger man)...let's call this one "the youngin'".
i met him while working at the bar, about a three weeks ago...yup, he was successful in picking up the bartender. the first two weeks were great - he's funny, teases me relentlessly, is straightforward and doesn't play games (well, until recently). all that changed last week.
i don't want to get into the details (i want to be somewhat respectful and not spill his beans, only mine) but basically the youngin' has certain issues to deal with and it's a case of "it's not you, it's me". it's also a case of his idea of "casual dating" being very different from mine.
i don't know how to write this without spilling everything, so instead i'll just tell you how i'm feeling. i feel sad. frustrated. angry. everything was going so well, and now he just leaves me feeling upset all the time. things are complicated by the fact that i see him pretty much everyday (it's slightly scandalous because he works at my school! don't worry, there's absolutely no conflict of interest here, promise), not to mention that he's a regular at the bar. and whatever happens between us (currently what's happening is shitsville), i'll have to see him until i'm done my degree in over a year and a half's time. great.
why do things have to be so complicated? why do boys always leave me feeling upset and empty, and even lonelier than when i was alone? perhaps this is what i get for letting myself go with people too quickly, and i don't even mean physically but emotionally. i don't know how else to be though, and i'm not sure if i want to change that aspect of myself.
it's only a week and a half before i fly home for christmas. i will be glad for it.
CET :o(
i'm sorry for my absence from the blogsphere - i'll state the usual about how school is crazy and absolutely hectic but it's true, in addition to my two part-time jobs - but let's just skip all that and get to the gossip:
i met a boy and boy oh boy, it's been up and it's been down (it's currently down). what shall i call him? hmmm, i've had a few suggestions from a friend that i will not repeat here...suffice it to say he is a few years younger than me (i seem to have a knack for attracting the younger man)...let's call this one "the youngin'".
i met him while working at the bar, about a three weeks ago...yup, he was successful in picking up the bartender. the first two weeks were great - he's funny, teases me relentlessly, is straightforward and doesn't play games (well, until recently). all that changed last week.
i don't want to get into the details (i want to be somewhat respectful and not spill his beans, only mine) but basically the youngin' has certain issues to deal with and it's a case of "it's not you, it's me". it's also a case of his idea of "casual dating" being very different from mine.
i don't know how to write this without spilling everything, so instead i'll just tell you how i'm feeling. i feel sad. frustrated. angry. everything was going so well, and now he just leaves me feeling upset all the time. things are complicated by the fact that i see him pretty much everyday (it's slightly scandalous because he works at my school! don't worry, there's absolutely no conflict of interest here, promise), not to mention that he's a regular at the bar. and whatever happens between us (currently what's happening is shitsville), i'll have to see him until i'm done my degree in over a year and a half's time. great.
why do things have to be so complicated? why do boys always leave me feeling upset and empty, and even lonelier than when i was alone? perhaps this is what i get for letting myself go with people too quickly, and i don't even mean physically but emotionally. i don't know how else to be though, and i'm not sure if i want to change that aspect of myself.
it's only a week and a half before i fly home for christmas. i will be glad for it.
CET :o(
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