another one bites the dust

so my "dalliance" with scottish guy is over. i deleted his mobile and landline numbers from my phone today and it was very cathartic for me.

before i launch into what happened, i should start by filling you in on a very important but up until now un-divulged fact: after making out on our second date he informs me that he JUST broke up with his long-distance girlfriend (of THREE YEARS) less than THREE MONTHS AGO! my first reaction was "aren't you heartbroken?" because i would think he would still be hurting at this point, and wouldn't want to be on a date with anyone, let alone kissing them. he kind of brushed it off and said something along the lines of "the breakup was coming and inevitable and we both knew it; it was just a matter of time"; he seemed really non-chalant and quite fine about the situation, so i kind of left it, plus he had to run to catch his train.

now, i'm a pretty straightforward (yes, at times even blunt, tactless even) person, and i really do not understand/have no time for indirectness, innuendo or anything of the sort; if you have something to say you just say it, no beating around the bush. it took up until last week for vij and sue to point out to me that maybe that was his way of telling me that he doesn't want anything serious, and that even though we're kissing, to not get any ideas about starting a relationship. i'm sorry, but what the fuck? who said i had ANY of those expectations? who said i had any expectations to begin with? at that point i was

a) attracted to him (both physically and mentally); and
b) just wanted to continue to date him and see what happens.

oh, and yes, maybe i'm a bit dense for missing that "clue", but why the heck my friends didn't point it out to me earlier is something i'm still trying to figure out! needless to say i gave both vij and sue an earful and told them to point these things out to me in the future as soon as possible! :o)

anyhoo, so after that whole brouhaha occurred where i called him and interrupted him at the art gallery, i emailed him the next day basically saying to call me when he's free. he replied to my email three days later and since then, nada. that was two weeks ago.

two weeks without a peep pretty much tells me he's not into me, or is scared; whatever the reason, he doesn't want to see me again. it hurt me and disappointed me; i think the feeling of disappointment was worse, as i thought he was a better person than to just ignore me - i'm a firm believer that even if you think the truth hurts, the avoidance of truth hurts even more. everyone told me to move on, but muttonface, a self-proclaimed softy, said i should try to call him one more time, put in that last bit of effort, so i can say without a doubt that i tried, and would have no "what if's" floating around in my head, no regrets. i thought this was reasonable.

so tuesday night i called his cell - switched off; his landline - not home. i tried both numbers again last night, and no one answered either line. that's it, i'm done, hence deleting both his numbers today.

i was talking to a male friend of mine and he said that from what he could gather from this blog, he thought i was "too aggressive", and that i took away scottish guy's chance to "chase" me. i'm pretty sure my male friend doesn't believe this crap for a second (i hope not!), but he pointed out that this is what other men may think. he also said that my one extra phone call that saturday (where i interrupted him at the art gallery) was too much, too "stalkerish", and might have scared scottish guy off. this is what i think:

do i really want to date a guy where one "extra" phone call has him running for the hills? ummm, no.

it's funny because there were moments where i was racked with self-doubt; is it me? is there something wrong with me? was i too forward? too honest? too geeky? not sexy enough? that self-doubt was obviously short-lived (hehehe), because at the end of the day i want to date someone wants to be with ME, and that includes all my faults (along with all the oh-so fabulous things about me). if he can't see that he's missing out on an awesome person well then i say TOUGH SHIT. :o)

oh, and i didn't want to be catty or mean so i didn't include this other fact until now (hehehe): he was a really horrible kisser! i can't even begin to describe what he did with his tongue but trust me, you do not want to witness or experience it. ever. bad kissing is a post (a few posts) in and of itself but let me leave you with this: how can someone come out of a THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP and can't kiss for shit??? i know i know, to each his own but still, that was wacked.

CET :o)

my day off

here's the richard serra sculpture near liverpool street station, just a half hour walk from my flat.

yes i did go to the coffee shop and yes i had a brief verbal exchange with CSH and one of his co-workers actually (in which i might've slightly flirted), but no i will not say anything until i have indeed gotten his name and/or have asked him out!

wandered around spitalfields afterwards (as per usual) and visited my favourite gallery at the moment, kinetica. viewed their latest exhibition and absolutely loved it - this really is art from and for the 21st century. check out the link for more on their "luminaries and visionaries" show.

had dinner tonight at classmate T&A's place; T cooked yummy yummy chinese food and my belly was happy happy for it.

today was exactly what my soul needed.

CET :o)

sleepy

my tulips are in bloom! so lovely...

it's almost 2am; vij brought some friends home and we watched an ultra-cheesy yet classic hindi film from the 70's, hilarious. they're still watching it actually; i'm tired and want to go to bed, yet here i am blogging.

before they came home i watched "message in a bottle" (kevin costner, robin wright-penn) on tv. some of the scenes were definitely barf-worthy (like when they were having sex) but funny enough when costner's character died i was peeved; i caught myself actually wanting the hollywood ending!

i want to write more but my brain's too muddled to find the right words. much to sort out in this cranium of mine.

i don't have any classes tomorrow, woohoo! i think a trip to the coffee shop is in order, followed by dinner at classmate T's.

goodnight/good morning,
CET :o)/:o(

psychoanalysis sucks

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! MAY YOU BE BLESSED WITH HEALTH, HAPPINESS, WEALTH AND PROSPERITY IN THE YEAR OF THE PIG!!!

so canuckian left london yesterday. it was soooooo good to have her here for the week, i can't even tell you; we hung out, did a little bit of touristy stuff but not much, and just generally revelled in each other's company. i'm so glad she got to meet my school friends and check out where i live, experiencing a little of what my life is like here. i miss her already.

vij and i had an epic discussion about me and men last night; i'm exhausted. i don't even know how we got on the topic but it was brutal, in the sense that you're asked questions that force you to really look at yourself and delve deep for answers as to why you do the things you do and why you think the way you think. what emerged were the following points:

- i sell myself short when i really shouldn't
- i (think? still debating this) i want a relationship but don't think i can give it 100% at this point
- i don't want a fling (although it can be convenient at times)
- i deserve better!
- i don't like how i've been handling this whole scottish guy thing...mentally and emotionally, i'm turning into someone i don't like
- i'm much too honest and straightforward to play stupid games with men and have no time nor patience to do so, but i think my honesty and bluntness scares them
- i can't read subtle/indirect signs/words AT ALL; just say what you feel and cut all the indirect bullshit
- finding someone you care about that cares for you in return is fucking hard.

i bought myself tulips today to cheer myself up! partly because of this whole stupid boy business but mostly because i miss my sister.

CET :o)

the world is alright again

coffee shop hottie is BACK!

i was having lunch with canuckian and classmate T at the coffee shop and had just bitten into my smoked ham sandwich when the door opens and in he walks, looking as fine as always. i was so shocked (and in mid-bite) that i didn't know what to do; canuckian, being my twin, knew something was up and instantly realized that CSH was in the vicinity, judging by my expression - she looked around and spotted him instantly. what does she do then? he comes over with a plate of food for classmate T and BOOM, she starts talking to him! asks him to take a picture of us as that's what tourists do, take pictures. i was so stunned all i could do was smile for the camera. man, i really have to work on getting his name now, as canuckian and business woman have each individually managed to speak more words to him in five minutes than i have in over a year.

i'm happy though because he's back. exhale...

CET :o)

we are family!

i'm so happy canuckian's here, i can't even tell you! there's nothing like having family here. i love my twin!

CET :o)

don't read this if you're a boy

i just saw some fireworks outside my window...at first i heard them and thought they were gunshots (hahaha, ahhh...), but then when i looked outside i saw all this glorious colour. i don't know why they were being set off, but it was lovely to watch all the same.

i feel kinda bummed today...i called scottish guy to let him know i was back from my trip; he said he wanted to meet when i got back. our conversation was fine, funny and flowing as always, but then he said he was "fully booked up" this weekend and how about this coming week? i told him canuckian's in town as of monday for the week, plus he himself has a relative coming to visit next weekend, so basically we kind of left it for the week after this one.

needless to say i was a bit disappointed, as we haven't met up for over two weeks now. i know, i know, i had exams and then my trip and all, but i was hoping he would be at least a little more keen to meet up, and would've at least had a bit of time this weekend to do so. it's just that in between dates (yes i know, i know, we've only had two but still) he's really not communicative at all, and it's always me sending an e-mail or a text here and there that he then replies to, and not right away either, more like twelve plus hours after the fact. is he just not a prompt e-mailer/texter/responder like myself? am i over-analyzing this? why does he seem so nonchalant about me in between dates, but the dates themselves are so great and i can obviously see that he's really into me? why is it so hard to find someone that likes you as much as you like them and wants to spend time with you?

so later on in the afternoon after our initial conversation, a friend gave me the idea to give him a quick ring and see if he would be free this afternoon for a coffee, seeing as how he his plans were for the evening. i called him but ended up interrupting him at an art gallery; i was so embarrassed i tried to get off the phone as quickly as i could. he said to give him a ring or an e-mail tomorrow but what's the point? I WANT HIM TO RECIPROCATE! PUT IN A BIT OF EFFORT! YOU CALL ME BUDDY, I DESERVE AT LEAST THAT MUCH!

i know i'm female and i obviously can't help it, but i hate it when i reduce myself to that type of female that i hate: neurotic, over-analytical, consumed by boys/a boy and what they think, what they feel, why they do this and why they do that, what does it mean when he does this, blah blah blah BARF. i hate it because more often than not (and if this is a generalization who cares, bite me) the boy in question/analysis isn't thinking ANY of these things, and probably doesn't even think of his actions or the consequences, he just does what he does and there probably isn't even a real reason for doing so, he's just being a boy. i hate thinking and thinking and thinking of possible explanations for said boy's actions when in reality there are no explanations there to be had. argh.

okay, i'm done my emotional purge for the evening, ugh. off to smoke some shisha with the girls.

CET

kissing the welsh in scotland

glasgow: really cool city, completely without pretense or snobbery; it has a character and style all its own, with a pretty vibrant arts and music scene. saw dan sartain at the nice and sleazy - knew nothing about him or his music going into the show, and came out of it pretty impressed - definitely want to go back to glasgow one day.

edinburgh: lovely mix of old town and new town...i've been there before so this trip was just about having a wander and relaxing. was at the pub last night having dinner (haggis of course) when four welshmen in town for the rugby sat beside me and started chatting me up! they plied me with a couple of double gin and tonics and it was fun flirting with them for a while, but then like the good girl i am (most of the time), i made my way home while they went on to the clubs...well, not before kissing each of them in turn goodnight (on their cheeks!).

made the four and a half hour train ride back to london, followed by the hour-long bus ride back to my flat (friday night traffic and all); showered, ate and now i'm so ready for bed (and it's 10pm).

goodnight!
CET :o)

glasgow is feckin' cold...

...but great so far!

left dublin on sunday morning. i woke up with plenty of time to pack and get ready, but then two minutes after i'm out of bed the door buzzer sounds - tan called me a cab and didn't even tell me! her and her man came back from their engagement party saturday night/sunday morning pretty damn pissed, ha ha ha...so here i was, scrambling around throwing my clothes in my backpack, barely having time to get dressed and brush my teeth. oh, and there was a thick fog over dublin where you could barely see two feet in front of you - i wondered how the heck my plane was suppose to fly.

anyhoo, made it to the airport and my plane took off and landed in glasgow no problem. schlepped it to the city centre to meet my friend shirl. pretty much chilled sunday evening as i was a bit hungover myself!

yesterday: on scottish guy's recommendation i started off my day at the university of glasgow, britain's fourth oldest university. beautiful main building with two cloisters in the middle - i felt like i was on the set of "harry potter" or something.

walked through kelvingrove park adjacent to the university - breathed in the crisp, winter air and enjoyed a bit of nature - then off to the city centre. checked out the shopping on buchanan street, then had a lovely afternoon tea at the willow tea rooms, a set of tea rooms around the city designed and decorated by charles rennie mackintosh. my afternoon was spent at the gallery of modern art (GoMA).

today i'm going to try and do a bus tour of the city as well as check out the kelvingrove art gallery and museum. then i'm meeting shirl and going to her tuesday night cooking class with her!

and yes, is friggin' cold here - my fingers are freezing!

pure dead brilliant,
CET :o)

a pint for you and a pint for me...

i'm done exams, woohoo! all in all i think they went well.

busy busy though right after; had lunch at my coffee shop (hottie still wasn't there, i'm getting worried...), a quick wander around spitalfields again and then home to meet evil hypnotist. had a good chat in my room while i was packing for dublin. JUST managed to get to the airport before the check-in desk closed (tip: when travelling to airports around london, ALWAYS give yourself more time than you think you need because trust me, you'll need every second) and then boom, on the plane and an hour later in dublin to meet tan.

slept in today until 1:30pm, it was so sweet. haven't done that in goodness knows how long. didn't do much today, in the car mostly with tan and her man driving around the city. had a yummy portobello mushroom burger at the porterhouse, a brewery as well as a chain of bars. checking e-mail now before heading out drinking with tan and some friends later on tonight. went for a drink last night from the airport too; the irish are serious about their drinking!

scottish guy update: not much to update other than we didn't end up meeting up on tuesday as he was busy and i really needed to study. he wants to see me when i'm back from my travels so i guess we'll see what happens then!

CET :o)