falling into a situation

no posts in forever, and now i'm a blogging machine!

update on the youngin': i think we have fallen into that clear-as-mud category known as "friends...with benefits". i think it's a combination of him not being able to make up his mind and my waves of strength and weakness. actually, i should give myself a little more credit because i'm going into this with my eyes open - i know exactly what the situation is and i control my part in it - it's just that i know that whether or not i sleep with him it's still going to hurt. obviously you might think it's stupid of me to get into all that, knowing i'm going to get hurt, and why hurt more when you can hurt less, but even if there were no "benefits" attached to our friendship, leaving the friendship in february (i'm coming back to toronto to do a research project) will still make me sad.

it's very strange because perhaps in a different time and a different place things might've worked out (for a least a while longer than it actually did); my flatmate asked me if i wondered what our relationship (in the general sense of the word) would have been like if it didn't start the way that it started, with all that flirting and kissing, but i say what's the point in thinking those things? youngin' and i have an intense attraction to each other that's fuelled by our respectively flirty natures - even if we had started out as "just friends" i'm pretty sure it would've become more than that pretty quickly. anyhoo...

basically, with or without the sex, youngin' and i get on like a house on fire - he is quite unlike any of my friends in london and strangely enough, i think that's what i gravitate to the most - he brings out a side of me that hasn't been brought out in a while. neuronal pathways, little used in that particular region of the brain, are firing again. he just makes me think and interact in a way that i find refreshing and fun. it just all depends on me as to whether this fun includes between the sheets.

CET :o)

holy crap, i'm 30

i have officially entered a new decade. my twenties are behind me. HOLY SHIT!

all year i've felt quite nonchalant about turning 30, but in the last couple of months leading up to my birthday i've been slightly stressed about it. perhaps i feel it more acutely as i go to school with people who are almost 10 years my junior. yikes.

when i received my first birthday card with the big "3-0" emblazoned on the front i had a mini panic attack! i woke up on my birthday grappling with the concept (now a reality) that i wasn't in my twenties anymore. after a succession of kick-ass birthday parties however (why have one when you can have three?), i think i am learning to be okay with it. it's no big deal really - i still look pretty young for my age and i certainly don't feel older - i think my anxiety was temporary. well, i hope so!

it's funny because while perhaps i don't want to be 30 just yet, i certainly don't want to go back to my early 20s or anything like that. i love everything that i've experienced, both good and bad, these last ten years of my life - i wouldn't change a thing - so why go back to it? i feel wiser, stronger, more sure of myself than i have ever felt before and i love the fact that i am where i am, doing what i am doing today. if feeling this way means putting a "3" where there once was a "2", then so be it!

CET :o)

it's all good (well, getting there)

things between youngin' and i are over. i am glad and relieved. i must say although the primary reason things pittered out was him, it was also his particular situation, and because of that there are no hard feelings between us and things will remain amicable. i am glad for that too.

things i will miss the most: his hands and lips. strong, experienced hands and big, full lips, the kind you can kiss/suck/gnaw on for hours, mmm...

CET :o)

i'm alive, i'm alive!

it's been a long month.

i'm sorry for my absence from the blogsphere - i'll state the usual about how school is crazy and absolutely hectic but it's true, in addition to my two part-time jobs - but let's just skip all that and get to the gossip:

i met a boy and boy oh boy, it's been up and it's been down (it's currently down). what shall i call him? hmmm, i've had a few suggestions from a friend that i will not repeat here...suffice it to say he is a few years younger than me (i seem to have a knack for attracting the younger man)...let's call this one "the youngin'".

i met him while working at the bar, about a three weeks ago...yup, he was successful in picking up the bartender. the first two weeks were great - he's funny, teases me relentlessly, is straightforward and doesn't play games (well, until recently). all that changed last week.

i don't want to get into the details (i want to be somewhat respectful and not spill his beans, only mine) but basically the youngin' has certain issues to deal with and it's a case of "it's not you, it's me". it's also a case of his idea of "casual dating" being very different from mine.

i don't know how to write this without spilling everything, so instead i'll just tell you how i'm feeling. i feel sad. frustrated. angry. everything was going so well, and now he just leaves me feeling upset all the time. things are complicated by the fact that i see him pretty much everyday (it's slightly scandalous because he works at my school! don't worry, there's absolutely no conflict of interest here, promise), not to mention that he's a regular at the bar. and whatever happens between us (currently what's happening is shitsville), i'll have to see him until i'm done my degree in over a year and a half's time. great.

why do things have to be so complicated? why do boys always leave me feeling upset and empty, and even lonelier than when i was alone? perhaps this is what i get for letting myself go with people too quickly, and i don't even mean physically but emotionally. i don't know how else to be though, and i'm not sure if i want to change that aspect of myself.

it's only a week and a half before i fly home for christmas. i will be glad for it.

CET :o(

high road? what high road?

discussing the latest news on londoner with T&A late thursday night, A jokingly/half-seriously suggested i e-mail londoner back, calling him a loser. A's comment made for a good laugh but you know what? the next day i actually did it! londoner IS a loser, especially for expecting me to forgive him because he's honestly a "good" guy. so this is what i wrote:

loser.

when you "finally" get this e-mail in another four months' time...still a loser.

HA! :o)

the reference to receiving my e-mail in four months' time refers to his "claim" that he hardly checks his e-mail and that he "just" received my e-mail from the summer only recently, although for some reason he replies to something i sent two days ago in a matter of hours. mmmhmmm.

i must say i always pride myself in taking the high road (well, most of the time) but writing that to him was so cathartic for me! woohoo! in yer face loser!

CET :o)

life and school - happy co-existence or no?

ten days since my last post and there's lots to tell!

school is KICKING MY ASS. the pace and workload are relentless! i keep up with the coursework which is fine, but all the extra notes you're suppose to take/keep up with outside of class, all the readings, holy shit, there is just so much to do! in first and second year you could kind of get away with not doing too much until exam time (as evidenced by my frequent trips to the coffee shop, spitalfields market, kinetica, brick lane, etc.) but not this year - if you don't start now you are seriously screwed. i sometimes wonder if my brain has the holding capacity for all this information? seriously!

last wednesday i was in the studio audience during a taping of the GRAHAM NORTON SHOW!!! for those who don't know who he is, click on this link. he was sooo funny and the whole experience was great; best part was the fact that i was pretty close to the front, so everytime the camera was pointed to the audience you could see me! ha ha ha, my few milliseconds of fame. gabriel byrne was a guest and he was pretty cool, though it took him forever to tell one story, even if they were good. they cut out a lot of what he said just for that fact alone. and the second best part - the musical act on were THE BACKSTREET BOYS! hahahahahahaha - they were so bad, i was laughing throughout their entire performance. and yes, they really are that short in real life. oh, and for my friends in canada, i taped the show so if you want to see me on it i'll bring it back to toronto over christmas. :o)

i've gotten a second job that i started last week - i am officially a bar wench! yes that's right, CET got a job at her university bar. last friday was training day and i must say i'm liking it very much; it's a great way to meet people and there is something slightly cool about being a bartender. tomorrow's my first shift on my own - wish me luck! oh, that reminds me, i need to e-mail prof b and personally invite him down for a drink. :o)

the last couple of times i've been to the coffee shop i haven't seen the hottie; instead, i have discovered another POTENTIAL coffee shop hottie, all in the same shop! it started when i walked in one day wearing one of my t-shirts from threadless; this one is entitled "diabolical hot dog":



how awesome is that t-shirt? anyhoo, potential CSH looked up and immediately commented on it. today i wore another threadless t-shirt, this time it was "rock how to":



and again i caught him looking my way, checking out my tee, though this time he didn't say anything. we looked at each other a few times, smiled at each other a bit and i thought to myself "hmmm, he is quite cute." the only thing is that i am NOT going to ask him out, NO WAY IN HELL - how would that look if i systematically went through all the male workers at that coffee shop, asking each one out in turn? BAD, BAD, BAD. so all i'm saying is that there's something else to keep me occupied when i'm there, besides drinking my tea...

ooo, and a little bit more boy gossip: londoner has returned (well, sort of). so i haven't heard from him since the end of june/beginning of july. on the advice of a friend, i texted him when i got back to london letting him know i was back in town. nada. nothing. so yes, of course i get the hint - i got the hint even before the summer was over. anyhoo, what bugged me about the whole thing was that this was the same person who was so "open and honest", who confided in me about personal things that you just don't tell people you've just met; someone who waxed poetic about life, philosophy, true love, blah, blah, blah...he seemed so sincere, so for it to end like this...if anything, i was upset at the lack of respect he showed me by not contacting me, even if it's just to let me know that he's no longer interested or that he's met someone else. french canadian had the good sense to let me know he was dating someone new when i got back from DC last year, so why not londoner? i don't expect much from anyone except they be up front and honest with me - apparently that's a tall order.

okay, so a couple of evenings ago i e-mailed him, letting him know what i thought. it wasn't a bitchy e-mail or anything like that, it was simple and to the point, and if anything, writing that e-mail was more for me than for him, as at least i got to say what i wanted to say and be done with it. i sent it to him not expecting a reply (would i really expect an e-mail at this point? ha!) and lo and behold, less than 48 hours after sending it off i get a reply. what the fuck? as soon as i call you out on your shit you contact me? in his reply he basically said he procrastinated in contacting me back; that he really is open and honest but that he is also very weak. he also told me that he met someone new over the summer but that he still really likes me, so if i can forgive him then perhaps we can be friends "somewhat". right.

i'm pretty certain i will not be replying to that. what's the point? what semblance of a friendship would we have? i frankly do not want to be friends with someone who does shit like that. friends of mine have said "oh, but he had the best of intentions" - bollocks i say. i want someone who does what he says and says what he does, plain and simple. i want someone to like me so much that he will ACTUALLY call when he wants to call, and WANTS to hang out with me and makes it so! are these basic wants so far-fetched and unattainable? seriously!

thoughts, people, opinions? what say you?

CET :o)

almost forgot!

walked into the coffee shop on friday afternoon and to my utter delight, saw the beautiful mocha eyes of my lovely coffee shop hottie. he asked me how my summer in canada was and i asked about his; we spoke a bit about the miserable summer weather-wise that england experienced, and that's about it.

may not seem like much of an exchange and perhaps it wasn't, but it made me smile.

mmm, he's a part of my routine, my life here in londontown and i'm happy to resume it again.

CET :o)

dresses and weddings, oh my!

walked by coast today, a store that specializes in beautiful dresses for special occasions. it's one of those stores you walk by where you wistfully gaze at the window, wishing your wallet was just that much bigger. they were having a mid-season sale so i thought i'd "pop" in just to see what was on offer. ended up buying a chocolate and cream strapless number that i absolutely love, and for half price! score!

i justify it in my brain because i have FIVE weddings already in the books to attend next summer (one in may, two in june, one in august and one in september) - a girl's gotta have a kick-ass dress, right?

that's what i keep telling myself.

a bit of a quiet weekend i suppose. went out with t&a on friday for drinks and dinner - ended up getting drunk on a concoction that was suppose to be a long island ice tea but tasted like pure tequila. fell asleep on the coach. classy.

saturday was a morning of homework followed by an afternoon wandering around greenwich park and market. had a freshly shucked french oyster for about a pound. mmm, delicieux! :o) spent the evening watching NCSI, CSI las vegas, law and order: special victims unit, and criminal minds. if that's not an exciting, party-filled saturday night then i don't know what is. :o)

sunday was spent wandering around camden with nunuk. great weather, lots of cute eye candy, good food and good company - a lovely way to spend a very rare, lovely fall day in londontown.





CET :o)

on my way to school this morning...

hungerford bridge in the morning light:



getting off the train at charing cross station:



this is the park by my school. it looks like the branch is about to tap the man on the head!



my feet in the leaves. i like taking pictures of my feet in different locations. weird, i know.



the soccer/football field across from the park:



CET :o)

the view from my window

this is the view from my window now:



compared to last year:



what a difference, eh? i'm obviously living in a part of london now that is a little quieter, more suburban than the hustle and bustle of east london. i do miss the organized chaos and the grittiness (not to mention being within walking distance to spitalfields, brick lane, and my favourite coffee shop), but i am starting to appreciate the space, the green and the trees, as well as breathing in (relatively) cleaner air when i step outside on my way to school, compared to the sludge they call air in the central part of the city.

coffee shop: i went last friday with my evil hypnotist and coffee shop hottie wasn't there. two new people were there instead. hmmm. this was the first time i stepped in since i've been back here so i'm not panicking just yet; i plan to pop by tomorrow so we shall see if i'm lucky enough to run into him...

it's so funny because tonight classmate T and her fiance A and i were talking about potential suitors for me amongst their friends. i honestly don't know what i want at the moment, or whether i'm even actively looking; perhaps it's a lull brought on by lack of action in that department, or indifference, i don't know, but i feel like my life's too full at the moment with other things to concentrate on finding a mate. perhaps that's a cop out, i don't know, but it just doesn't feel like one of my priorities at the moment. maybe i just haven't been "swept up" by anyone yet.

CET :o)

finally

hello everyone!

big apologies for the hiatus from the blogsphere, as per usual my life consisted of a whirlwind of activity in toronto right up to my flight back to london, and as per usual my time in london has consisted of settling into my new digs, catching up with old friends and yeah, school. this term is going to be a doozy.

right before i left for the uk i took a short break outside of toronto to visit with friends. it was a trip that was both amazing and frustrating at the same time. i'll try to make this short, because although you perhaps haven't heard the story, i have recounted it to various friends numerous times, and at this point i'm just sick of the whole thing. here we go...

one of the friends on this trip, let's call her squiggle, is a very difficult person to like, let alone travel with. she's young, immature, self-righteous, snobby, self-absorbed and frankly annoying. my other friend, let's call him muscle, his generally a good guy but a little on the intense side; he gets riled up easily.

basically, these two friends on a trip together made for some serious head-butting and guess who was caught in the middle? yup, me. muscle would rant at me about squiggle, squiggle would be completely oblivious to her annoying effect on people, and i had to put up with this for the entire trip. thank god for our tour guide and new-found friend, a local named guppy. he was cute, funny as hell and was what basically kept me sane for the entire time. we hit it off right away - there was some definite flirting between us - so at least when i wasn't getting pissed off at the other two i was laughing and flirting it up with him.

i thought the flirting was going somewhere, but during my one off day when i really couldn't take anyone anymore (and walked off), squiggle proceeded to move in on guppy and pretty much flirted with him shamelessly for the rest of the trip.

thanks, squiggle, thanks. that's called being a friend.

so while the vistas were amazing along with most of the people i met on this trip, it was definitely tainted by this whole squiggle/muscle/guppy fiasco. i was quite gutted about guppy, only because he made me laugh like no one else in a long time, and i thought i would at least get a snog out of it! "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" - i would say that the way to my heart is through my funny bone, and guppy sure knew how to hit it.

CET :o)

summer's end

it's been a while since i blogged but the truth is i don't really have much to blog about at the moment...correction, i have lots of thoughts i'd like to put down but there just isn't any time at the moment...i still haven't written my post about why i don't believe in "the one", or my thoughts surrounding turning thirty soon (in response to karen cheng's call for submissions).

work (both full-time and part-time jobs) are ending soon, classmate T and her now-fiance A (congrats to you both!) are coming to visit next week, after that i'm taking a week-long trip for some much-needed R&R, then as soon as i'm home from that i'm packing and leaving for london again!

my summer here at home has been as great as always. even though we grow older and some of us create new families, and even though we're all so busy with life, i love the fact that the people i consider my good friends will always make time to meet up, even if it's just for a coffee. perhaps it's kind of sad that it has to be this way (indicative of our fast-paced society perhaps), but friendships (not just relationships) require effort and i'm glad that everyone still makes the effort to see each other. i think friendships are just as big a priority as work, marriage, etc., and it's good to see my friends think so too, married or otherwise!

CET :o)

young playas - holla!

i was visiting a friend at her new home on friday night; i was sitting on the porch while she was watering the lawn.

three young boys wheeled by on their bikes - they couldn't have been more than twelve years old - one of them shouted at us, "hey sexy, lemme holla at cha!" or something to that effect.

CET, yelling this down the street as they wheeled away: "WHY DON'T YOU GROW SOME PUBES FIRST?"

then i spent the rest of the time laughing my ass off, especially when one of them rode back to do a wheelie in front of us, just to impress us. i turned to my friend and asked "is that the twelve year old equivalent of a man driving a porsche?" too funny.

CET :o)

and see what i mean?

i finally watched "pirates of the caribbean III" on friday and it proves my point about society's take on marriage - elizabeth swann (keira knightly) and will turner (orlando bloom) get married first before they have sex at the end of the film - obviously disney couldn't show them getting it on without a set of marriage vows exchanged first. sure, it was back in the day when sex before marriage was a HUGE no no (compared to it being a small no no, relatively speaking, now) and notice how calypso and davy jones got it on in the past but their relationship ended horribly - perhaps this is a snide reference/commentary to having sex before marriage? perhaps i'm reading too much into this and need to get a life? i think it's a little of both.

CET :o)

is this what i'm going through?

from miss ruckus:

saturn return

check out this blurb from wikipedia as well.



hmmm...

CET :o)

CET fans

oh and i'd also like to say how happy it makes me when i find i still (after almost two years) have fans of my blog! i don't expect or necessarily want huge numbers of readers, i just want those who do read my blog to enjoy it. i also hope that my writing style continues to improve. there are definitely better/more interesting blogs out there, so i appreciate those who take the time to click on mine and have a read.

and as always, comments are more than welcome, even if it's just to say hello!

CET :o)

thursday afternoon musings

spent this past long weekend at mr. bing's family cottage. every year we go and every year it's fantastic - swimming in the warm water, jumping off the dock playing silly water games, lazing about in the hot tub or taking a nap in the sun room, roasting marshmallows by the fire at night, covered up to the nines to keep the mosquitoes at bay...the days seem endless and the memories made are forever!

had dinner last night with some old friends from my university days (first degree, not current!). i find lately that the talk invariably shifts to men, marriage and babies. the three of us are similar in age but at very different stages in our lives; one is in a long-term relationship, and is practically engaged, one is recovering from a bad break-up, and then there's me, actively dating (well, trying to anyway) and just enjoying the scene for a while.

men: where exactly are these "good" men? that always seems to be the universal complaint from all my single girlfriends. i'm actually starting to get really sick and tired of that phrase everytime i hear it - it's like you have more of a chance of getting struck by lightning than finding a "good" man. i do have my moments of frustration with men, obviously, and i'm sure there are times where i'm the one screaming that phrase at the top of my lungs, but for the most part i think that finding a "good" man requires being pro-active about it but also being in the right place at the right time, which is something you really can't control. most importantly, i believe working on yourself and enjoying your own life should take precedence over "the search for a good man". i hope that wasn't too preachy!

marriage: all this marriage talk is annoying me too. i'm completely happy for those who are married, who are about to get married, and those who want to get married, but listening/talking about it in every single conversation can be quite tiring. it still bothers me to no end how society expects it of you, like you've failed if you end up unmarried (especially for women, how unmarried = spinster = sad, lonely, forgettable woman). i don't like these expectations because people, for the most part, want to be in love with the person they marry and frankly, i think love is very hard to come by/cultivate with someone. i've been in love twice and i do wonder sometimes if i'll ever be lucky enough to experience it again.

babies: for some reason my ovaries aren't bursting every time i see a baby, whether on tv or on the laps of friends/new mothers. i think it's just the stage i'm at, as i'm still in school and the stage of motherhood, let alone being a certified pharmacist, seems light years away.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i feel like i'm entering a "second puberty". have i talked about this in a previous blog post before? i think so. it's like when you first got your period and first started junior high; you felt different, your friends changed, your environment changed and you didn't like it. you knew it was inevitable but there was definitely an adjustment period. i think i'm going through the same thing only instead of adjusting to periods and junior high it's now adjusting to friends growing up, getting married and having families.

conclusion? being an adult is over-rated. :o)

definitive proof...

...that women will never understand men and men will never understand women.

i went to see the simpsons movie on friday. it was so good! full of what felt like the best of the best simpsons jokes. i won't say much more than that because i don't want to give anything away but yeah, i enjoyed it very much.

the movie theatre was a couple of blocks away from my friend's party, the one that office boy was attending. she called me that afternoon before i went to the movies and we had a good chat; basically we agreed to hell with office boy and his insecurities; she said to come over to her place after the movie.

when i arrived i could see him in my peripheral vision but delibrately chose to acknowledge his presence only at the last possible moment. he comes up to me and gives me a hug and i'm thinking "what the fuck? don't touch me you bastard!" he was his usual arrogant, hypocritical and snarky self, chatting to me and making jokes like he wasn't revolted at seeing me at this party, the way he was just a few days earlier.

i only stayed for about an hour as i was meeting up with my sister; when i left and was walking past him, on my way out the door do you know what he does? he takes my hand and holds it for a moment before letting go. what the FUCK? what the hell is he playing at? i don't get it, i just don't get it. anyhoo, when he did that i didn't look at him and just kept on walking until he let go.

that's enough about him, ugh. time for bed.

CET :o)

khota

Dear Office Boy,

You are a dickless wonder. Yes, you.

We slept together on two separate occasions over the span of a week, almost a year ago, and you feel the need to act like this?

I will not be attending our mutual friend's party as a favour to her; she is the hostess and I do not want to add worry and discomfort to her other duties, however fun it would have been to see you squirm.

Whatever it was that I found attractive about you back then clearly does not exist.

I know they say you should never burn your bridges, but consider this one burnt to the ground beyond recognition.

Adios.

Yours very sincerely,

CET


NOTE: no i did not send this to him, however much i would have liked to; he wouldn't have understood anyway. i did however remove him from my facebook friends list, and that feels oh so good! :o)

what the fuck?

it's my lunch hour at the moment but instead of feeding my rumbling belly i am blogging because i am just slightly upset.

so i was suppose to go to a friend's housewarming tomorrow and i knew that office boy was going to be there. no big deal as it's SO in the past and he has a girlfriend anyway and i'd like to think we're both adults but i guess he proved me wrong. i spoke to my friend today and apparently when she mentioned i would be at the party he got all "weirded out" and basically made it obvious that he was not comfortable with me being there. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT? how old are we office boy, TWO?

i know you might think "well, what about your friend, she should've told him to suck it up as you're her friend as well". i forgive her because it's not so much about choosing which friend's side but more of "i don't want there to be an uncomfortable atmosphere in the room". besides, i kind of did that to her once so i suppose we are now even. there's karma for you, eh?

i just can't help shaking my head and laughing at this whole debaucle. i honestly wonder what's going through his head and why after all this time he is acting the way he's acting. he has a girlfriend, for christ's sake! oh yeah, they got back together after he shattered her ice-cold heart. whatever.

does he still think i like him? do boys think girls, once they admit their crush, will always like them - will like the boy to the end of the girl's daying days? i mean, for real? he is so full of himself if he thinks i still want him. my god, if anything now he just makes me want to puke. oh, and punch him in his stupid-ass face.

ah, feel a bit better now. off to forage for some food.

CET :o/

labels and such

busy, busy, busy these days, no time for blogging!

finally started labelling my posts, though it would be tedious to label every single post in one sitting, i'll do them in batches. i know i write about boys but man! there are quite a few posts about boys.

blogger help: how do i put my labels on the righthand margin of my blog, so that when you click on a label it automatically takes you to all the posts associated with it? does anyone know what i'm talking about? also, how do you list the most recent comments made by people on your blog?

off to bed soon,
CET :o)

p.s. i had ostrich, frog, shrimp, scallops and squid for dinner tonight, no joke! so yummy...

friends :o)

had the best time with mr. bing, bing's hubby, brown goddess, goddess' sister, and canuckian last night. time spent with these precious folk always cheers me up and makes me joyous; i laugh until my sides hurt and eat until they hurt even more. it's all about the good times.

we gorged ourselves on seafood at the fine local establishment, followed by a quick drive to the local mall where we continued our binge with ice cream. the shenanigans kicked into high gear when we went to a lady's dress shop (i.e. where UGLY prom dresses live) and proceeded to try on a sampling of their confections, with mr. bing and i trying on the same neon green fruity number. we pretended BG's sister was getting married and we were her bridesmaids - if you ever need a butt-ugly bridesmaid's dress, this is the place! we had fun laughing at each other and taking stupid pictures behind the sales lady's back; we incurred her wrath but who cares? this is what you get for selling such horrible fashion retail!

anyhoo, at the end of the night we parted ways and i came home feeling happy, which i wasn't earlier in the day (and for the last little while) because boys, i.e. the londoner, was getting me down. honestly, boys may come and go but friends are for LIFE.

CET :o)

p.s. reason why londoner made me upset? i haven't heard from him in three weeks. i think that's him done and dusted.

pump up the volume

i'm blogging from work (hee hee hee, i know i shouldn't but what can i say? it's slow today).

i worked from 9am to 11pm yesterday, first at my daytime temp job (it's going well so far) then at my local pharmacy for the evening shift (did i mention i'm helping with some vacation cover? anyhoo...). i was absolutely shattered by the time i crawled into bed, a little bit before midnight, and yet i laid there for a long while listening to songs on my mp3 player.

remember when you used to do that? just lay there and listen to music, i mean REALLY listen to it? not have it as background noise while doing a chore or riding the subway or something, but listening for listening's sake. i remember in high school i would lay on my bed and blast the same album over and over (mostly cure albums), carefully committing the lyrics to memory and letting the wall of sound wash over me. my mind would often wander, mostly daydreams of my latest crush, perhaps a dream of me rockin' out to the tune as the band's drummer (i would LOVE to be a chick drummer for a rock band); i miss the fact that i haven't done that for a long time now. life seems to get more hectic with each passing year; i'm making a point of setting aside some time to just lay there and LISTEN.

CET :o)

disappointment = lesson learned

i was talking to a friend tonight who recently got "played" by some boy. it got me thinking about my own experiences and i re-read my posts on scottish guy and londoner.

i must say that while it can be sad, frustrating, VERY disappointing and at times downright horrible, i have learned so much from both my good and bad boy experiences; there is something to be said for that old adage, "if it doesn't kill you it only makes you stronger".

i think the worst feeling though is the feeling of disappointment. i think that sucks more than any of the other feelings, for me at least.

chin up girlie! have fun with the firefighter at any rate...

CET :o)

music provides humour

i'm sitting on the subway this morning, listening to some tunes on my mp3 player when i notice the girl sitting in front of me is reading the holy bible. at that very moment my mp3 player (set to random) decides to play "let's talk about sex" by salt n' pepa. i smile to myself.

when it's the girl's stop she gets up and makes her way to the doors. what does my mp3 player play then? "heaven help us all" by ray charles and gladys knight. nice.

CET :o)

when i am grown-up

when i am grown-up i will understand
how BEAUTIFUL it feels to
administrate my life effectively.

until then i will continue to TORCH
all correspondence that bores me
and to DANCE NAKED over the
remnants of its still glowing embers.

edward monkton

do dee do dee do...

currently at a temp admin job this week...they're not giving me much to do so i am very, very bored and spending way too much time on facebook...

dislike: air conditioning so cold your nose runs.

did a four-hour shift at my old pharmacy last night - re-orienting myself to the way they do things so that once i do full day shifts (covering holidays) i'll know what the heck i'm doing - holy crap was it busy or what!?! i was hoping for a quiet tuesday night so i could ease back into things but i quickly remembered that quiet nights are hard to come by at this place. and people are so impatient! they have absolutely no idea what it's like working in a pharmacy and sometimes i just want to backhand them and tell them to piss off. great pharmacist i'll make, eh? :o)

speaking of which, i had a slight panic attack speaking with the pharmacist last night. she told me how the licensing exams are so hard now, and that there's going to be an oral component, and how the heck am i suppose to get an internship in canada when i already have so many other students to compete with? made me freak out a bit. and training my brain to think "canada pharmacy" instead of "british pharmacy" is going to be hard. damn u of t and other canadian pharmacy schools for having such few places and such ridiculous admission hoops to jump through, argh!

anyhoo.

looking forward to friday - drinks, dinner and a concert with sue and e-mail and company. can't wait!

roll on lunch, roll on...

CET :o)

see what i mean?

these shoes are AWESOME!!!

CET :o)

camel shoes

i'm excited because:

a) i bought a new pair of shoes yesterday that are bright orange and yellow and have dark fuscia camels on them. they sound horrifically ugly but they are SO COOL. who can say they have shoes with camels on them? I CAN.

b) muttonface and e-mail are home in t.o. for a friend's wedding; we're having dinner and drinks tonight at a cajun creole restaurant that i'm looking forward to trying...mmm, bring on the jumbalaya...oh, and of course i'm excited to see them too. :o)

c) i joined an ultimate frisbee team this summer that a friend of mine captains. yesterday was our second game (also my second game ever); i scored three points! hat trick baby! it was funny because i tried to high five a teammate who is so frickin' tall that i couldn't reach his hands; another teammate lifted me up so i could high five the first guy. i'm sure we made a funny sight.

d) this summer's shaping up to be busy and fun! i love busy and fun.

e) it's the weekend!!! bring on the sunshine and good times.

see, there's always something to be happy about.

hope everyone's doing well!

CET :o)

oh gossip!

i found out that office boy dumped his girlfriend in the most horrible way! shattered her heart into a billion pieces, poor girl.

i think i got away relatively scott-free!

CET :o)

and...

and yes i know, i am over-analytical and can sometimes make a wee mountain out of a wee molehill.

so sue me.

CET :op

boys suck BIG poo

no e-mail for a week.

wasn't on messenger for a week.

his reason?

he was busy and he took a three day trip to brussels.

grrr.

after berating him for not dropping me at least a quick e-mail, i let the matter go and proceeded to have a decent conversation with him.

i think i might use him just for sex. when i'm in the country that is.

we will see.

CET :o)

and so it begins...

i think today is the first day where i can breathe.

serious craziness leading up to my flight home (yes, i'm back in toronto now); right after my last exam it was nothing but partying, packing, more partying and more packing. said goodbye to friends, had my last dosa with vij as my flatmate (so sad!), spent my last night with the londoner (more on that later) and then BOOM! off on a jet plane to toronto. the weekend was spent attending carnivalissima at the harbourfront centre, followed by woofstock near st lawrence market. yes, the last one was for chili.

londoner: oh lord, what have i done? how do i manage to fuck things up, two days after i get back to toronto??? let me explain...

so my last night with him was great! i'm not going into the (gory) details but oh yes dear readers, it was good. i've been seeing him for about a month now; we didn't have "the talk" per se, but we did agree that we both liked each other very much, but didn't know where this was going, seeing as how i'm in toronto for the summer and things have only gotten started between us.

so he drops me off at the station the next morning and we say our goodbyes; when i'm back in toronto later that day i message him online letting him know i'm home. we have a brief but good chat. the next morning i see him online again and we start chatting...well, at least i'm trying to but he is about as responsive as a log. or a dead animal. let me just say the following:

- i've realized that he can be quite self-absorbed sometimes, always talking about himself or turning the conversation towards him;
- he is slightly cocky/arrogant, though i know for a fact it's a cover for someone who can be quite insecure about himself;
- conversation is a two-way street, do you not agree dear readers? why is it so hard for someone to ask a question about you; why am i always the one to do the asking?
- londoner is a workaholic
- i hate people who "victimize" themselves

so i ask him why he has nothing to say to me and he launches into a diatribe about how he's having the shittiest, most unproductive day, and therefore cannot think of anything to say to me (?). hmmm, i don't know, how about starting with "how are you?"

so basically i kind of let rip, calling him on his self-absorbedness (okay, so that's not a word but so what? bite me. wait, i guess it would be self-absorption) and asking why yet again, it always has to be about him. i was frustrated for many reasons (not just him) and so i admit, i kind of took it out on him. but he sort of deserved it! anyway...

i did apologize for having that kind of conversation with him when it wasn't my intention; i logged off in a huff, telling him to email me if he wants and "perhaps" he'll see me online again. afterwards i felt kind of shitty because that wasn't the time nor place for me to say stuff like that. plus i felt frustrated because i don't want to think of him and i don't want to miss him but i do; i'm just so afraid of getting hurt!

the next day i email him an apology but since that conversation i have yet to hear back from him or see him online. he is online ALL THE TIME, so i wonder if he's blocked me? how can one little conversation lead to this? why am i so over-analytical? ARGH!

so that's it in a nutshell. i guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens. i hate waiting...

what are your thoughts/comments on this?

CET :o(

me? man-eater?

hahaha, that's funny.

i have my first exam tomorrow, eek! just wanted to say hello and to let you know that blogging will be light until thursday when my exams are over.

wish me luck! i'll definitely need it.

CET :o)

tantilizing tidbits for tan

- during our first drinks date, londoner would sneak kisses on my neck and cheek; he also held my hand and kissed my palm (which i find so unbelievably sexy - it made me melt);

- our first proper date consisted mostly of us walking around in the rain and talking (after a lovely dinner at a tapas restaurant of course); we stood in the park and then stood outside the gate to my flat for hours, just kissing and chatting away;

- the kitchen wasn't the only room in the flat that heated up when he came over to cook me dinner...all i will say is mmmmmhmmmmm...

CET :o)

i tham thuffed up

the rain hasn't stopped since saturday.

my sore throat from all last week has now turned into a head cold.

my nose is stuffed up.

revision is slow-going. what else is new?

i still don't have a job for the summer.

i am so ready to go home.

CET :oS

the karmic door swings wide

you know that saying, "when one door closes another door opens?" well, that's what happened to me last week.

it was a thursday when i asked coffee shop hottie out and he said no; two days later on saturday night, i found myself at a bar on brick lane with vij and a friend of hers who was visiting from canada, and wanted a taste of the london nightlife. vij and i had never been to this bar before but have passed by it enough times to know that it was a pretty hip and happening place, so we decided to check it out that evening.

the dj was spinning some really wicked tracks, mostly funk and jazz from the 70's. vij and i were cuttin' a rug on the dance floor, right by the dj booth, when a rather tall man with a funky afro (think tamed-down version of sideshow bob) reached behind me to get his drink, which he had left on the dj table. i moved out of his way and after he had left vij commented that he was "totally checking me out."

now, CET is always COMPLETELY oblivious to the attention of others; i was just happily dancing away and didn't really notice the men in the room. anyhoo, so i spot the guy a distance away (he had left the dance floor) and although i can't see his face clearly, i know he is looking at me and i am looking at him. when vij and i walked off the dance floor to get a drink, he brushed my arm and we started talking. being a bar/club it was quite loud, so he suggested we move to the corridor to chat.

hmmm, what shall be his blog name? well after the canadian guys (first, french-canadian and third), office boy and scottish guy, i suppose i can call this one "the londoner", as he was born and raised here. not too original i know but tough!

so, we're in the corridor and the chatting is easy; for some reason i felt completely at ease with him and if there's something to be said for intuition, mine told me that he wasn't slimey and was in fact quite genuine. don't worry though, my guard was still up a little (i'm not THAT naive). he asked for my number and then he asked for a kiss (which i thought was nice); THANK GOODNESS he was a great kisser! if i had another bad kiss after scottish guy i think i would have slapped him. he had to leave as it was his friend's birthday and they were bar-hopping; he said he'd call me the next day.

sure enough, on sunday he rang. we chatted briefly before he asked me for a date; we arranged to meet that wednesday. monday night on my way home from work he texts me; he's in my neighbourhood meeting clients and would like to know if i'm free for a quick drink. so we meet for a drink on the monday, followed by our first proper date on the wednesday, then he came over to cook me dinner while i studied this past saturday. three dates in one week! and i should be studying for exams!

i don't think i want to get into all the details because for once (in a long time) i genuinely like this guy and feel quite a connection with him. he's open and honest like me - tactless too which i find funny - cerebral, affectionate and sweet. he's also quite a hopeless romantic which draws my ire at times because i am not, but i like the fact that we're such opposites in so many ways. he knows i'm leaving london for the summer in about three weeks' time, and he knows i have to buckle down and study, but even a girl needs a break from her books every now and then, and he'll be there ready with a kiss and smile and dinner!

CET :o)

p.s. absolutely NO comments about how he's "the one" or crap like that, as i do not believe in "the one" and have actually been planning a post on the subject for quite some time; stuff like that just makes me want to puke. thanks!

rant

so i just came out of a lecture today given by a VP of a prominent pharmaceutical company. he was suppose to speak to us about regulatory affairs but instead ended up sounding like a careers counsellor, oh, and not to mention a mouthpiece for all that's great and wonderful about the pharmaceutical industry.

he asked if there were any questions halfway through the lecture and so i asked why pharmaceutical companies, for all their profits and resources, are not doing more to make medicines available to those who desparately need it, e.g. developing countries in which people can barely afford to survive, let alone have access to and pay for AIDS retroviral medication. of course he answered with how these pharma companies have already done so much and that even if we make billions of dollars in profit, we have to pay a lot of taxes and bills, the cost of the research to bring drugs onto the market, be accountable to our shareholders, blah, blah, blah, etc.; in short, he did not answer my question. while i do see his point, and while i am not so naive as to not realize that at the end of the day a pharmaceutical company is a business, i just don't think he should be taking the complacent approach by saying "look, we've already done so much, we don't need to do more." if you've done so much then why are diseases like AIDS getting worse instead of better? while you distribute medicines to countries all over the world, why are the majority of the medicines headed for countries that can actually afford them? i know it's not all the pharmaceutical companies' fault; many governments (including canada) have promised medicines to developing countries only to deliver a miniscule amount if at all; i also know that education and prevention is as important, if not more so, in bringing about a reduction in the number of cases of AIDS. i just don't believe these companies are doing enough to improve the situation.

i know, i know, can they ever do enough? what is enough, when no one ever has to die from AIDS? i know this is the type of argument that could go on forever, but the way he was going on about the pharmaceutical industry you'd think it was the best thing since the invention of the wheel.

and i hate how it always comes down to money; look how much you can make if you were in industry, look how much you'd get in bonuses if you went onto become a lawyer representing patients or even the pharma companies themselves; you could practically see the dollar signs popping out of everyone's eyes. it made me sad.

and no, i don't think i'm morally superior than everyone else in the room and yes, of course people want to be paid well for what they do and i am no exception; while i know perhaps i can be too idealistic at times, i don't think it's "too idealistic" of me to expect more accountability and more action from the very companies that have the means and resources to invoke real change and improvement in the health of the world.

CET :o(

can't fault me for trying

so folks, the story ends here:

i asked coffee shop hottie out today and guess what? he has a girlfriend.

bummer.

it's a rainy afternoon here in londontown (why do people always start stories with a comment on the weather?); after a stressful morning dealing with idiots in my drug delivery lab, i went to the coffee shop to have a cup of tea and unwind. now, i already knew i'd pop by the coffee shop today, and if the opportunity arose i would ask coffee shop hottie out; due to having dinner with evil hypnotist and friends last night, who egged me on and provided advice on how to ask a guy out, i was buoyed with courage and confidence and dammit, CET was on a mission. i dressed up a bit nicer than normal and even put on makeup - yes, makeup! - as today would be the day!

i didn't bring an umbrella today (figures) so by the time i got to the coffee shop, CET was a little less cute-looking than normal. well, just a bit damp around the edges. it was busy when i arrived and so at first i just said hello and ordered my pot of tea. i found an empty corner and proceeded to read my book and sit tight, waiting for my moment. sure enough within twenty minutes the coffee shop became all but deserted; coffee shop hottie was downstairs putting away some recently-arrived stock and i thought to myself "okay, this is IT! go downstairs and ask him out!"

CET got up from her seat.


CET sat down.


CET got up again and took a step away from her seat.


CET sat back down.


CET thought "okay, you're being an idiot," and got up again.


CET sat back down.


my heart was racing a mile a minute and my throat felt constricted; where had all my built-up courage gone? i thought "oh fuck it, CET JUST DO IT ALREADY!" and got up from my seat and opened the door to the basement before my courage dissipated. the washroom was downstairs as well, so it wasn't out of place for me to be going down the very narrow steps; coffee shop hottie had put away the produce and was at the bottom of the stairs about to head up. we each said hello and he waited at the bottom of the steps for me to clear them before he made his way up:

CET: "hi...um...this might seem a bit weird, but would you like to go out for dinner sometime?"

i'm pretty sure that was the last thing coffee shop hottie was expecting to come from my mouth. the second the last word left my lips though, i knew his answer would be no; his face said it all. it was a spontaneous mixture of shock, happiness, flattery and sadness all at the same time.

at first he couldn't find the words, but then he said "i'd love to but...i have a girlfriend."

CET: "dammit!" (and then a giggle of nervousness and relief)

CSH: "i'm sorry!"

CET: "that's okay, i'm glad i at least tried. what can i say? you're cute."

CSH (blushing): "aw thanks. it was very brave of you to ask though, and i do enjoy seeing you at the coffee shop."

CET: "thanks. see you upstairs," at which point i made a beeline for the bathroom.

sigh.

in the bathroom i let out a burst of laughter, mostly because i couldn't believe i had done it! it was mixed with relief too, because now i have my answer and i don't have to pine or speculate anymore. i can go to the coffee shop now and say hi and make idle chit chat, knowing where i stand and knowing that i tried.

i must say though that it would've been nice to gaze into his deep, brown eyes up close and personal, rather than through the steam of a cup of tea...

CET :o)

junior doctor

i've discovered a new blog; it's the diary of a junior doctor working in a hospital somewhere in england for the NHS:

www.thejuniordoctor.blogspot.com

he sounds like the kind of doctor you'd want to treat you: intelligent, knows his stuff, does his job well, but most of all he's compassionate and kind to his patients.

i think i'm a little smitten!

CET :o)

p.s. i've just finished reading the book "bloodletting and miraculous cures" by dr. vincent lam - a collection of short stories connected by the lives of a group of doctors - the book started off a bit slow, but picked up pace, interest and intensity and by the end of it i couldn't put it down until i was done reading. i won't give it away, but there was one story where it was so intense that my heart was racing as i read it; at the end of the story i had to put the book down and compose myself, letting my heart rate return to normal, before picking it up again.

p.p.s. being a student in the field of pharmacy and learning about medicines get me all excited about one day being able to helping people in such an immediate and tangible way.

Activities in Pictures

cabaret mechanical theatre workshop at kinetica:

i went to the workshop with a classmate where we created our own automata. here are some pics of the artists' work - the first one is by paul spooner and the second one is by keith newstead - followed by my creation (don't laugh)...







it's suppose to be a man on a unicycle wheeling across a tightrope, only there's no tightrope. here's a pic of the mechanics:



day trip to bath and bristol:

on sunday vij, gabby, gabby's boyfriend and i rented a car and drove to bath to "take in the waters" at the newly-opened thermae bath spa, located in the centre of town close to where the old roman baths are. on our way there from the parking lot we came across a "continental" festival showcasing lots of good food and wine from france. here are some pics:



mmm, garlic...



mmm, meat...



mmm, cheese...

at the tourist shop in the centre of town i came across this gem:





wise words indeed...

here is a pic of the rooftop pool, complete with jacuzzi section, waterfall section and breathtaking views of the city:



it was gorgeous, soaking in the heated spring waters saturated with minerals, while all around you was city and sky. it was pretty cheap too, 20 quid for two hours and you also had access to an indoor pool, steam room, shower room and foot spa. loved it.

this is a pic from the car on our way to bristol for dinner:



colourfully painted buildings by the harbourfront:



a bar/restaurant area full of trashy locals :o)

hello, my name is...

I FINALLY GOT COFFEE SHOP HOTTIE'S NAME!!! WOOHOO!

i'm so giddy i'm buzzing. how silly of me.

so since i stopped blogging about him (until now of course), i have been going to the coffee shop as per usual, and little by little, in my own time, i have gotten to know him a bit better. our conversations get a little bit lengthier each time i see him; he's really laidback, and has an offbeat sense of humour that throws me for a loop at times, as i don't know whether he's joking or being serious, and some of the things that come out of his mouth can be so random.

today was the first time i'd seen him since before easter. he asked me about my trip home so i told him the usual: it was great to see family and friends, it snowed a little, yes, canada's that cold, even in april; an example of his randomness occurred when he suddenly asked me "what type of souvenirs does canada have?" huh? i said "which ones are you interested in, cheesy ones or cool ones?" of course he says "the cheesy ones", so i tell him we sell miniature statues of the CN Tower, as well as t-shirts with moose on them. then he asked if moose are really that big (?); i said that while i've never seen a moose in person before, i have seen them on tv and yes, they are quite large creatures. hmmm...

he then tells me about his trip to wales and i cleverly-yet-oh-so-casually asked who he went with (well, i'm sure it wasn't that clever and it probably came across that i so obviously wanted to know if he had a girlfriend but whatever!); he said he went with a bunch of his friends. then finally, OH YES FINALLY, i asked him "sorry, but i don't think i've ever gotten your name" and then he told me! he asked for mine and i told him, having to spell it out for him because NO ONE ever gets it the first time i tell them; he then proceeds to tease me about it, calling me a name that i haven't heard since elementary school.

when i sat down to eat my lunch he sat at a table near me, as it was his breaktime. i was reading the paper and didn't want to disturb him as he was reading his, otherwise i would've liked to continue the conversation. he left around the same time i left the coffee shop; i saw he headed across to spitalfields and i was walking that way myself. he was quite ahead of me when i suddenly thought "should i catch up to him and ask him out?"

like with scottish guy (though i didn't hide behind any white vans), i called a friend for moral support; this time it was vij. i hummed and hawed with her over whether i should do it, though of course she said yes; by the time i got off the phone however, i didn't know where he had went to. oh well, next time!

whew, i'm just glad i know his name now, the monkey on my back was starting to weigh me down. now for the next step of asking him out - hopefully it won't take me as long to do it!

CET :o)

the impending storm

we're nearing the end of second year! just over five weeks left! can you believe it? i can't.

to those readers who have been following this blog from the beginning: has it felt like time is moving at warp speed? two years! i'm almost halfway done!

i'm quite tired at the moment, stayed up late last night/early this morning working on a lab report that was due this afternoon. finished it this morning before handing it in and meeting up with evil hypnotist for a coffee and a chat.

ooo, how cool is this: i'm going to dublin in may for ONE day to see the dave matthews band! it all happened so quickly; i was about to commence work on my report last night when my american classmate called with this wacky idea. this is the kind of crazy stuff you do when you're young and impulsive so i thought "why the hell not?" and agreed to go. we're doing this on a budget of course, finding cheap flights and staying with my friend tan. it'll be on the last day of term for us - can't wait!

my brain's disintegrating a little from the lack of sleep; can't form coherent words in my head and type them onto the computer. off for a quick nappy nap!

CET :o)

well that was embarrassing...

i started off the term with a bang.

9am, first class of the day; the prof? why the lovely prof b of course. he was waxing lyrical about the importance of communication skills in our area, and looking damn fine in a well-cut grey suit, pale green tie and newly-shorn hair. he likes to tease students when they answer questions, not in a condescending or mean way but more in a fun, flirty kind of way.

prof b (to the class): "name some of the physiological manifestations of emotion."

the first example given by a classmate of mine was crying, whether it be due to stress, sadness, happiness or anger; the technical term for crying is lacrimation.

prof b: "okay, what's another example?"

CET, raising her hand: "blushing."

prof b: "what's the physiological term for blushing?"

now, i am extremely jet-lagged and tired beyond belief; it is barely past 9am on a monday morning. CET is not functioning at 100% mental capacity. while the answer is vasodilation of the blood vessels underneath the surface of the skin, CET cannot physically form a coherent sentence to convey this answer; instead, she gesticulates with her hands on her cheeks, pointing and moving her fingers in a way that denotes an expanding of the vessels beneath her skin. this display is obviously not working.

the class erupts with laughter for a number of reasons:

a) some of them know of my attraction to prof b, and are howling loudly as a result;
b) a lot of them are on facebook and know of a certain (silly) group that i joined that attests to his attractiveness;
c) like my answer, CET by this time is a bright cherry red.

prof b then proceeds to point out my blushing and asks, "why are you blushing? are you in LOVE?" at which point the class is in hysterics and i am laughing at my own reaction and the ridiculousness of it all.

my answer to his question? "perhaps..."

what cheek (literally).

CET :o)

a fair summer's day

it's been absolutely gorgeous this weekend in londontown - gloriously bright sunshine with the freshness of a summer breeze. perfect.

give londoners an inch of good weather and they run a mile, as exhibited by the sudden cropping of clothing, both in number of pieces worn and length of said item(s)! lily-white skin was on full display in greenwich park this past saturday, with pale arms, legs, chests and backs revealed for the first time this year in all their pasty glory. spots of moving white dotted the green landscape, requiring the wearing of sunglasses.

there is something to be said for the beginning of summer; everything feels fresh and alive. colours are more vibrant, smells are more pungent (both good and bad, eew), and everyone (including myself) seems to be in heat. boys checking out girls in short skirts and tops, girls checking out boys with their bare chests and knowing grins; the whole city's a veritable meat market! grrr...

friday was my market day - i swear i've lost count the number of times i blog about going to spitalfields and kinetica museum - but as always they failed to disappoint. i bought a silver and abalone brooch for five pounds, and some photographs of london as a parting gift for kiwigirl's sister, who returns to new zealand today. she will be missed in londontown very much!

dinner on friday was at marvin the martian's flat (aka "martina" on kiwigirl's blog). he was the quintessential host, plying us with a delectable dinner of choice filipino dishes, cloudy vodka shots and copious amounts of wine. oh, and one must not forget the viewing of a questionable girl-on-girl porn scene midway through the evening, hmmm...

spontaneous dancing erupted after dinner on his living floor, helped along by the continous flow of alcohol. marvin even moved his bottom to the beat a few times (which i've never seen before and which apparently is something he does quite rarely); surprisingly, he was not half bad! i took some videos of the shenanigans; a future screening must be arranged.

needless to say, saturday was "recuperating-from-hangover" day for both vij and i, not to mention kiwigirl and everyone else who was present at that dinner party. i'm surprised i was functional enough to go to greenwich park with e-mail, who was in london on a stopover on her way to south africa. as always it was lovely to see and spend some quality time with her, which is pretty hard to come by as she lives so far away.

tomorrow is the start of term again for me; i think i'm past this melancholy funk/laziness/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, and am ready to tackle the endless nights of study that lie ahead with gusto! at least i hope so...

CET :o)

friday the 13th musings

well hello again.

yes, i've taken a bit of a hiatus from the blogsphere, i was at home in toronto enjoying my easter holiday. most days i would get up, eat breakfast, walk chili and then sit at the computer trying to look for a job for the summer. staring at the computer screen all day, feeling your hopes deflate little by little that you'll get a job in your relevant sector, didn't leave me wanting to blog about it!

there were times though where i made a mental note to blog about a thought, a situation, a funny story; my musings will all come out eventually.

third canadian guy emailed me on wednesday night, asking if i was free to go out sometime. i think i'm going to have to put a stop to this, as i do not want to lead him on, thinking he has a chance with me. extremely nice guy and very talkative, but no sparks on my end whatsoever.

off to spitalfields for a wander...

CET :o)

two-date cut off, willingly or not

so i've noticed a trend in my dating experiences this past year: i don't seem to get past the two-date mark, whether i want to or not! case(s) in point:

first canadian guy: the guy i first dipped my toes into the online dating pool with. he was nice but there were no sparks on my part, especially after he was extremely late for both dates.

french canadian: okay, so we were shagging by the second date and would've continued to shag i'm sure, if he didn't start dating his still-current girlfriend. i don't begrudge him this at all (absolutely not, in fact i was glad he was so honest and open with me), but it would've been nice to have had to a few more shag-fests before he hooked up with his honey.

office boy: okay, so i never mentioned the fact that i saw him one more time after our initial "non-date" date, but anymore dates after the second were nigh on impossible as i left the country for school, oh and yes, he started dating someone else. i sometimes wonder what would've happened if i was still in toronto around that time - would we have continued to see each other or would his getting-together with his current girlfriend have happened anyway, whether i was there or not? i'm actually glad i wasn't in the city when that all went down, it was hard enough as it was dealing with it on the other side of the ocean.

scottish guy: i've already hashed the story on this blog in gory/glorious detail so i won't go into it again, needless to say his MIA status after our second date pretty much negated a third. left me baffled.

third canadian guy: i didn't mention this guy until now because again like first canadian guy, there were no sparks on my part. our first date was fun (we saw the photographer of the year exhibition at the natural history museum) but by the second date i was sure i wasn't attracted to him. well, i already knew that by the first date but i thought i'd give him another shot. not really wanting a third date at this point.

so where does this leave me? five men, ten dates later and what? i don't know. i guess all this is either a huge coincidence, some higher power's funny joke on me, or a combination of timing and lack of/no lack of chemistry. sigh. on the bright side, i have many a funny/scandalous/horrible story to tell my girlfriends, future progeny and future grand-progeny. i'm cool with that.

what are your thoughts on this? is it me?

CET :o)

home

i'm home now! ahhh, the start of a 2.5 week holiday.

this past weekend was a sloth's wet dream (eew, too much of a visual). it was one of those weekends where your bum is cemented to the couch; where the only movement consists of picking up the telephone to order your dinner in, and also picking up the remote to change the channel. pyjamas remained on, hair remained unwashed, ahhh, it was bliss. and this was both vij and i!

we did manage to make ourselves presentable on sunday evening for dinner with a friend. afterwards we went to a bar called the pleasure unit - yes people, the pleasure unit - where a fundraiser was going on to help cuban youth. there was a scottish skiffle band called the dead plants, a rapper called drop dead fred, topped off with an eight-piece congolese band. the crowd was a mix of college boho/hippie kids, locals, and the musicians themselves. at one point the congolese music was a-pumpin' and people were a-dancin'; there was an old man near me who was busting a move with a woman, who were both knocking into me and pissing me off royally. then he suddenly turns to me, takes my hand and kisses it.

while normally this would be considered a very sweet gesture, and while normally i absolutely love old people and think they are so cute, this man's lips felt like a cold, wet fish trying to give me some lovin'. seriously, i can still see his lips form an "o" shape and how they felt on my knuckles - brrr - it makes me shiver and not the good kind.

okay, chili's whining so i'm off to play with him for a bit.

CET :o)

winding up

so i have a week of school left before a three-week easter holiday. i'll be going home to visit my family and friends, yay! i will be glad for the break.

ever since this new term started i have been in the most apathetic of moods. i honestly don't know what affliction/malaise has descended on me, but i honestly can't be bothered to do anything. i don't know what's wrong with me. days pass and i am content to leave things undone, tasks unfinished, errands left to run; i think i'm purposely ignoring things and slowing my life down for some reason, though i don't know what that reason is. anytime when i'm not in class you can find me at the coffee shop, the markets, or lazing about in some park somewhere. what has come over me? i don't even know why i need a break so badly when i haven't done anything anyway.

i think i'm missing physical affection too. hugs, kisses, a pat on the back or the squeeze of a hand - not just from romantic potentials, but from family and friends too - i interact with humans everyday (i say humans like as if i'm not one myself) and yet it is only with my voice and my facial expressions; it's not enough for me.

and can i just say how annoying it is to upload pictures onto blogger and to not have it work? argh!

in happier news, i attended a dance exhibition with a classmate of mine on saturday; she had a spare ticket so it was quite spur of the moment/last-minute. it's called the move it dance london exhibition, taking place in olympia this weekend.

i never fancied myself a dance aficionado; i love dancing and getting my groove on, but it has never been something i actively sought out/participated in. it was so much fun! they had a main stage with various performances throughout the day; stalls upon stalls selling dancewear, promoting dance schools, colleges, etc., but the best part were the taster classes on the second floor. they offered every type of dance available, in 45 minute sessions with a master teacher. my friend and i learned a bit of hip hop, funk, locking and krumping, finishing off the day with some good old bhangra moves! it was great to learn some new steps, get a workout, and shake my tail feather in the process. i'm paying for it today though, as my entire body aches. this is what i get for not exercising regularly.

anyhoo, when i manage to upload pictures i will definitely post some from the exhibition.

CET :o)

markets and more markets, oh my!

this weekend was a full-on market weekend, all of them in and around my neighbourhood! there were old favourites and some new finds which i am quite happy and excited about:

roman road market: i discovered this one accidentally while walking to the only bank branch in my area open on saturdays; at the end of the road were stalls upon stalls of vendors, selling fruits and vegetables, cds and dvds, jewellery, but most of all, clothes! racks upon racks of clothes, mostly knock-offs or extra inventory from all the major clothing stores in london. i bought a light and airy brown print summer dress for only ten quid! that's about 23 dollars canadian. i can't wait to wear it in toronto this summer.

columbia road market: this popular flower market is only open on sundays from 8am to 2pm; i got there at the last hour and it was mayhem! they were selling the most gorgeous bouquets and potted plants for only a fiver; a human traffic jam of local english bohos and bourgeoisese filled the tiny street.



brick lane market: i didn't even realize brick lane had an outdoor market on the weekends until now; mostly locals who lay out their wares on blankets on each side of the road, like a london version of a street garage sale back home.

sunday up market: an indoor market just off brick lane. there were lots of food vendors selling some pretty wonderful-smelling food, in addition to the regular clothes and jewellery vendors. lots of local designers selling their funky and unique creations.

spitalfields: ahhh, a constant in my life here in london; sunday is the big day for this market so it was jammed packed with people and therefore absolute chaos. i like the market better during the weekdays when it's quieter and you can talk (and bargain) with the vendors more.

CET :o)

Daffodils

I wander'd lonely as a cloud
That floats on high o'er vales and hills,
When all at once I saw a crowd,
A host, of golden daffodils;
Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine
And twinkle on the Milky Way,
They stretch'd in never-ending line
Along the margin of a bay:
Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they
Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:
A poet could not but be gay,
In such a jocund company:
I gazed—and gazed—but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie
In vacant or in pensive mood,
They flash upon that inward eye
Which is the bliss of solitude;
And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth

brimming

it's funny how on one hand i feel like so much has happened that i want to share with you all, but on the other hand it doesn't seem like much at all. just general experiences/rants/meanderings that i think are worth mentioning:

bad london: i was on the bus on the way home a few weeks ago and in the span of the bus ride, two crazy people boarded the bus and had a go at the driver; both times he stopped the bus and told everyone to get off as he would not move until the crazy person left the bus, but both times at the last second he asked everyone to board the bus again, leaving the crazy person to yell at him while he continued his journey. then, when i got off the bus (after literally pushing people out of my way in order to get off because they just would not move), i walk by the library to find a group of male youths along with security, pinning a man down on the ground. the same thing happened at the market a few days ago, only this time it was six policemen pinning a man down.

good london: i love how one night i'm at a local bar watching vij's friend perform as part of a rap group called rebel alliance; two nights later i'm at the royal opera house watching a performance of handel's "orlando".

i was at the coffee shop today with evil hypnotist for lunch; while waiting for him to arrive i sat with my tea and my book. it was a beautifully sunny day and the light coming through the windows of the coffee shop, slanting across the wooden tables and floor, looked magical. it actually stopped me from reading and i gazed at the dusty light for a while, consciously searing it into my memory so i can recall it when i'm old and grey.

vij's mom is here for the week; she made an absolutely yummy dinner on tuesday and tonight was no exception; three helpings later i am absolutely stuffed and happy.

i bought a huge bunch of daffodils today from the street market by the station; it's evening now so i'll wait until morning to take pictures to show you.

CET :o)

a saturday in pictures - thwarted!

i've been trying since last night to upload pictures of my day yesterday, but these two are the only ones that uploaded! that's okay though, because they're the most important ones; they're of the meal that i cooked yesterday, rack of lamb seasoned with garlic, rosemary and thyme, on a bed of roasted potatoes and garlic, served with red currant jelly. i bought the rack of lamb from the taste east london festival happening at spitalfields yesterday, as part of the east london festival going on this week; there was a butchering demonstration where the butcher was selling the cuts of meat as he was demonstrating how to cut them. the lovely, fresh cut of lamb inspired me to flex my culinary skills, which for some reason this past year has not been flexed often.

festival highlights:

- a stall where they had three HUGE paella pans set up with mounds and mounds of mouth-watering, chorizo-and-seafood-filled paella;
- the bollywood brass band and klezmania;
- two people dressed as lobsters walking around on stilts;
- all the different samples of food on offer, from wild boar chorizo to apple and mango chutney

i wish i could post the pics!

CET :o)

another one bites the dust

so my "dalliance" with scottish guy is over. i deleted his mobile and landline numbers from my phone today and it was very cathartic for me.

before i launch into what happened, i should start by filling you in on a very important but up until now un-divulged fact: after making out on our second date he informs me that he JUST broke up with his long-distance girlfriend (of THREE YEARS) less than THREE MONTHS AGO! my first reaction was "aren't you heartbroken?" because i would think he would still be hurting at this point, and wouldn't want to be on a date with anyone, let alone kissing them. he kind of brushed it off and said something along the lines of "the breakup was coming and inevitable and we both knew it; it was just a matter of time"; he seemed really non-chalant and quite fine about the situation, so i kind of left it, plus he had to run to catch his train.

now, i'm a pretty straightforward (yes, at times even blunt, tactless even) person, and i really do not understand/have no time for indirectness, innuendo or anything of the sort; if you have something to say you just say it, no beating around the bush. it took up until last week for vij and sue to point out to me that maybe that was his way of telling me that he doesn't want anything serious, and that even though we're kissing, to not get any ideas about starting a relationship. i'm sorry, but what the fuck? who said i had ANY of those expectations? who said i had any expectations to begin with? at that point i was

a) attracted to him (both physically and mentally); and
b) just wanted to continue to date him and see what happens.

oh, and yes, maybe i'm a bit dense for missing that "clue", but why the heck my friends didn't point it out to me earlier is something i'm still trying to figure out! needless to say i gave both vij and sue an earful and told them to point these things out to me in the future as soon as possible! :o)

anyhoo, so after that whole brouhaha occurred where i called him and interrupted him at the art gallery, i emailed him the next day basically saying to call me when he's free. he replied to my email three days later and since then, nada. that was two weeks ago.

two weeks without a peep pretty much tells me he's not into me, or is scared; whatever the reason, he doesn't want to see me again. it hurt me and disappointed me; i think the feeling of disappointment was worse, as i thought he was a better person than to just ignore me - i'm a firm believer that even if you think the truth hurts, the avoidance of truth hurts even more. everyone told me to move on, but muttonface, a self-proclaimed softy, said i should try to call him one more time, put in that last bit of effort, so i can say without a doubt that i tried, and would have no "what if's" floating around in my head, no regrets. i thought this was reasonable.

so tuesday night i called his cell - switched off; his landline - not home. i tried both numbers again last night, and no one answered either line. that's it, i'm done, hence deleting both his numbers today.

i was talking to a male friend of mine and he said that from what he could gather from this blog, he thought i was "too aggressive", and that i took away scottish guy's chance to "chase" me. i'm pretty sure my male friend doesn't believe this crap for a second (i hope not!), but he pointed out that this is what other men may think. he also said that my one extra phone call that saturday (where i interrupted him at the art gallery) was too much, too "stalkerish", and might have scared scottish guy off. this is what i think:

do i really want to date a guy where one "extra" phone call has him running for the hills? ummm, no.

it's funny because there were moments where i was racked with self-doubt; is it me? is there something wrong with me? was i too forward? too honest? too geeky? not sexy enough? that self-doubt was obviously short-lived (hehehe), because at the end of the day i want to date someone wants to be with ME, and that includes all my faults (along with all the oh-so fabulous things about me). if he can't see that he's missing out on an awesome person well then i say TOUGH SHIT. :o)

oh, and i didn't want to be catty or mean so i didn't include this other fact until now (hehehe): he was a really horrible kisser! i can't even begin to describe what he did with his tongue but trust me, you do not want to witness or experience it. ever. bad kissing is a post (a few posts) in and of itself but let me leave you with this: how can someone come out of a THREE YEAR RELATIONSHIP and can't kiss for shit??? i know i know, to each his own but still, that was wacked.

CET :o)