it's been a busy three months of unemployment, that's for sure. fortunately (unfortunately?) it was self-inflicted, as i ended my summer job at the hospital so i could study full-time for the month leading up to my licensing exams. that was ALL of october. all of it. my days were filled with finding the will to get out of bed, walking chili dog as he expects me to every morning, then cracking open the textbook where i left off the night before and trying to cram as much as i possibly could into my brain.
lather, rinse, repeat. lather, rinse, repeat.
by the time the exams came around in early november, i was a jittery stressball of nerves and little patience. i was so stressed i even broke out in hives the week of my exams. the exams themselves were (to this point) the hard thing i've ever had to do; it was like paying almost two grand (which i did) for the privilege of getting beat to pulp for 4-6 hours a day, for three days.
i bawled like a baby when it was all over, partly for the sheer relief of having it done with and partly because i thought i didn't do well enough to pass. a week after the exams (and with my hives magically disappearing), i flew to london to attend my graduation ceremony.
it was SOOO good to see my friends again and to experience the pomp and circumstance of graduation. donning the expansive black robe and over-sized mortar board; grinning from ear to ear as a million flashbulbs go off; walking across the stage, shaking the dean's hand, the culmination of four years of hard work, a plethora of emotions and an infinite number of memories, captured in one piece of paper.
it felt good.
back over the ocean again to sit and wait for my exam results. after six weeks of waiting, when judgment day finally came, i didn't even want to check the results online, the truth being so near it terrified me. after putting it off for most of the morning and part of the afternoon, i set up the laptop on the bed and set chili dog right beside it; he was my moral support and i needed him to be there for me, good or bad. i scrolled through the list of ID numbers to find mine; if it was there it meant i passed and if it wasn't well then you know...down, down, down through the list and there, like a sweet surprise after an eternal day, it greeted me. i gasped when i saw it as i truly did not expect to; i then grabbed chili dog and covered his belly with my sobs of sheer joy and relief! i had passed!
now it's more paperwork (of the aggravating administrative variety), more money handed over and more waiting, before i can start to fulfill the required number of in-service hours to become a licensed pharmacist. i will gladly endure the aggravation however, as the main hurdle to licensure has been overcome.
i have my good days and my bad days; my happy days and moody cow days. i just try to remember that i am so lucky to have this opportunity to get a great education, a life experience and a professional career.
BRING IT ON.
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, October 05, 2009
brief update
hello!
so i'm done my summer placement at the hospital and am now in full study mode, when my melodramatic grandma and my dog allow me; i have my licensing exams coming up in november. EEK! shitting bricks is more like it. not much to report other than that. i'd like to do a little more "opening up" and a little more bitching on this blog but time does not allow, plus people i know read this blog and so i can't necessarily bitch about them now, can i? then again, it's my blog and i'll rant if i want to. anyhoo, i hope this finds you happy and in good spirits. pray for me.
CET :o)
so i'm done my summer placement at the hospital and am now in full study mode, when my melodramatic grandma and my dog allow me; i have my licensing exams coming up in november. EEK! shitting bricks is more like it. not much to report other than that. i'd like to do a little more "opening up" and a little more bitching on this blog but time does not allow, plus people i know read this blog and so i can't necessarily bitch about them now, can i? then again, it's my blog and i'll rant if i want to. anyhoo, i hope this finds you happy and in good spirits. pray for me.
CET :o)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
the winding road
hello hello!
yes, it's been a while. crazy busy and busy crazy pretty much sums up the summer so far:
completion of degree: yes, i have now officially completed (and passed) my pharmacy degree! WOOT WOOT! four years. FOUR YEARS!!! i must say it feels good. four years of blood, sweat, tears and a pile of money the size of a small town and now i get to put some letters after my name. Six letters to be exact - MPharm. nice! :oD
the crazy thing is that this is JUST THE BEGINNING. now comes licensure in ontario, canada and with that is a whole new pile of blood, sweat, tears and money. yikes. speaking of which, i have moved back to toronto, canada for good. time to get licensed and start paying off some billz. it was hard leaving london - not the city itself (which don't get me wrong, i love) - but the people i've met and have become friends with these past four years; i am missing them tons. it's always that way wherever you go: while in city A you miss the people in city B and while in city B you miss the people in city A. i'm just going to have to live with it i suppose. i will be seeing them at the graduation ceremony this fall, so that'll be good. a riot, actually, it'll be a riot! i already can't wait.
so as soon as i landed on canadian soil i had to write the first of many exams towards licensure; this one was a two-day exam covering everything i've learned in the last four years (and then some), as it was an equivalency exam that all foreign-taught/trained students/pharmacists have to take. three hundred multiple choice questions over two days. yikes. i swear my blood pressure must've been markedly higher in the month leading up to this exam; shitting bricks doesn't even begin to describe it. when all was said and done though it was tough for sure, but not as tough as i thought it would be. i thought it would be impossibly difficult but it was possibly difficult and do-able. i had to draw on every brain cell for the answers but i managed, and more importantly, i passed! can i hear another WOOT WOOT!!!
my joy at passing was short-lived however as now i have to start preparing for the licensure exams in november: another two-day, multiple choice exam followed by a one-day practical exam known as the OSCEs. double yikes. i am loathe to pick up the textbooks again but pick them up i must; if i'm MIA from this blog for another couple of months you now know why.
returning home and settling back in has been pretty smooth; in all honesty it feels like another summer at home after a school year away - a part of me expects to be flying back to london come late september! reconnecting with family and friends has been good, and the best part is that i'm not trying to squish as many visits in with friends as i normally am before returning to london, because i don't have to go back this time! sweet! i can plan meetings, parties and hangouts at my leisure.
i do miss the complete independence i had when i was in london; no one to answer to, no one's schedule to follow but my own. living with the family again has been an adjustment for sure, and one of the biggest adjustments has been having to tell my parents where i'm going and when i'll be home. sigh. it's not like i'm an adult or anything. :oS
what i don't miss about london is the loneliness i felt. you can be alone and not be lonely, but while in london there were times where i felt alone AND lonely. london's that kind of a place (though i'm sure most big cities are like that to some extent).
anyhoo, so that's pretty much the last two months in a nutshell. plugging away, plugging away, until i can legally deal drugs in the province of ontario. i'm excited.
CET :o)
yes, it's been a while. crazy busy and busy crazy pretty much sums up the summer so far:
completion of degree: yes, i have now officially completed (and passed) my pharmacy degree! WOOT WOOT! four years. FOUR YEARS!!! i must say it feels good. four years of blood, sweat, tears and a pile of money the size of a small town and now i get to put some letters after my name. Six letters to be exact - MPharm. nice! :oD
the crazy thing is that this is JUST THE BEGINNING. now comes licensure in ontario, canada and with that is a whole new pile of blood, sweat, tears and money. yikes. speaking of which, i have moved back to toronto, canada for good. time to get licensed and start paying off some billz. it was hard leaving london - not the city itself (which don't get me wrong, i love) - but the people i've met and have become friends with these past four years; i am missing them tons. it's always that way wherever you go: while in city A you miss the people in city B and while in city B you miss the people in city A. i'm just going to have to live with it i suppose. i will be seeing them at the graduation ceremony this fall, so that'll be good. a riot, actually, it'll be a riot! i already can't wait.
so as soon as i landed on canadian soil i had to write the first of many exams towards licensure; this one was a two-day exam covering everything i've learned in the last four years (and then some), as it was an equivalency exam that all foreign-taught/trained students/pharmacists have to take. three hundred multiple choice questions over two days. yikes. i swear my blood pressure must've been markedly higher in the month leading up to this exam; shitting bricks doesn't even begin to describe it. when all was said and done though it was tough for sure, but not as tough as i thought it would be. i thought it would be impossibly difficult but it was possibly difficult and do-able. i had to draw on every brain cell for the answers but i managed, and more importantly, i passed! can i hear another WOOT WOOT!!!
my joy at passing was short-lived however as now i have to start preparing for the licensure exams in november: another two-day, multiple choice exam followed by a one-day practical exam known as the OSCEs. double yikes. i am loathe to pick up the textbooks again but pick them up i must; if i'm MIA from this blog for another couple of months you now know why.
returning home and settling back in has been pretty smooth; in all honesty it feels like another summer at home after a school year away - a part of me expects to be flying back to london come late september! reconnecting with family and friends has been good, and the best part is that i'm not trying to squish as many visits in with friends as i normally am before returning to london, because i don't have to go back this time! sweet! i can plan meetings, parties and hangouts at my leisure.
i do miss the complete independence i had when i was in london; no one to answer to, no one's schedule to follow but my own. living with the family again has been an adjustment for sure, and one of the biggest adjustments has been having to tell my parents where i'm going and when i'll be home. sigh. it's not like i'm an adult or anything. :oS
what i don't miss about london is the loneliness i felt. you can be alone and not be lonely, but while in london there were times where i felt alone AND lonely. london's that kind of a place (though i'm sure most big cities are like that to some extent).
anyhoo, so that's pretty much the last two months in a nutshell. plugging away, plugging away, until i can legally deal drugs in the province of ontario. i'm excited.
CET :o)
Monday, June 22, 2009
anger
just thought i'd expunge this here so i can get on with painting my toenails.
remember how ex-T didn't tell me about his engagement, leaving the dirty work to friends?
so my phone rang just a little while ago; i check the caller ID and it's ex-T. i wasn't expecting to hear from him for - oh i don't know, ever - so i hesitated for a few rings before answering it. he heard from a mutual friend that i was leaving town for good soon and so wanted to say one last hello and wish me all the best. throughout the exchange of niceties i kept debating whether or not to call him out on his cowardliness; on one hand "let sleeping dogs lie" and all that, but on the other i thought "fuck, why should i hang up without saying anything?" so nearing the end of the conversation i say "isn't there something you're forgetting?" to which he immediately replied "oh, that i'm engaged?" um yeah DUH, that you're engaged and forgot to tell me. at first he claims that he already told me, or at least he thought so, then he says he forgot, as he had to tell so many people that he must've forgotten to tell me. right.
i told him that it wasn't all that nice having to hear news like that from mutual friends (quite shit, frankly) when it's something that he should have told me himself. he then goes on - and this confirms for me YET AGAIN, why breaking up with him was the right thing to do - to imply that he's the VICTIM, that he's the victim of my horrible accusations. sigh. once a coward, always a coward.
even if it was true, that he sincerely thought he told me and that if he didn't it was an oversight, what a shitty thing to do to someone who was your first girlfriend (he's engaged to his second) for three years and the first person you ever loved and deeply at that?
i got off the phone with him and my hands were shaking. i hate how after all these years he can still affect me like that.
this particular boy sucks the chunk monkey SO large right now.
CET
remember how ex-T didn't tell me about his engagement, leaving the dirty work to friends?
so my phone rang just a little while ago; i check the caller ID and it's ex-T. i wasn't expecting to hear from him for - oh i don't know, ever - so i hesitated for a few rings before answering it. he heard from a mutual friend that i was leaving town for good soon and so wanted to say one last hello and wish me all the best. throughout the exchange of niceties i kept debating whether or not to call him out on his cowardliness; on one hand "let sleeping dogs lie" and all that, but on the other i thought "fuck, why should i hang up without saying anything?" so nearing the end of the conversation i say "isn't there something you're forgetting?" to which he immediately replied "oh, that i'm engaged?" um yeah DUH, that you're engaged and forgot to tell me. at first he claims that he already told me, or at least he thought so, then he says he forgot, as he had to tell so many people that he must've forgotten to tell me. right.
i told him that it wasn't all that nice having to hear news like that from mutual friends (quite shit, frankly) when it's something that he should have told me himself. he then goes on - and this confirms for me YET AGAIN, why breaking up with him was the right thing to do - to imply that he's the VICTIM, that he's the victim of my horrible accusations. sigh. once a coward, always a coward.
even if it was true, that he sincerely thought he told me and that if he didn't it was an oversight, what a shitty thing to do to someone who was your first girlfriend (he's engaged to his second) for three years and the first person you ever loved and deeply at that?
i got off the phone with him and my hands were shaking. i hate how after all these years he can still affect me like that.
this particular boy sucks the chunk monkey SO large right now.
CET
Sunday, June 21, 2009
solstice and all that
hey party people!
less than a month since my last post and so much (yet so little) has happened:
degree done: i finished my last set of exams for my pharmacy degree!!! WOOHOO!!! words cannot describe the utter joy that i felt when i walked out of the exam hall. all of us fourth years gathered on the steps outside the school and whooped it up; well okay it was only me jumping up and down and doing the jig - c'mon you brits, show a little emotion! - but regardless, a HUGE sense of relief washed over us and it was a good feeling.
the hook up that didn't happen: i'm apparently quite the seductress when i put my mind to it! don't really want to go into the details but i basically seduced my way into a classmate's bed, only to stop before things REALLY got started. i fully admit to being the temptress but when it came down to it i actually used my head instead of my loins, which does happen very often! i'm good friends with this guy and i just didn't want it to get weird or awkward (which i knew it would because it inevitably does), plus i wasn't all that attracted to him in the first place! it was more a "he was there, we were alone, why not?" type of deal. not worth the momentary pleasure, i thought. i can see us being good friends for a long while and so put the brakes on it before it went too far. yay me for abstaining for once! :oD
and then today i read this article in the guardian. food for thought...
the studying continues: instead of whooping it up, travelling a bit and having an all round good time in london before heading home, i'm stuck at my desk studying for a big exam back in canada at the beginning of july. it's an evaluating exam that all foreign-trained pharmacists/pharmacy students have to take (and pass) before writing the actual licensing exam. so no relaxation for me just yet. :o(
well, that's not true, i am heading to barcelona for a total of 48 hours this week, to meet up with my classmates who have been travelling through portugal and spain while i've been at home revising. they're ending their trip in barcelona and although i couldn't do the full trip with them, i can sure as hell do the last two days!
i'm leaving london for good on july 3rd. no more flying back and forth anymore - this is it! well, i'll be back for convocation in november but you know what i mean; it's the end of quite a significant chapter in my life. i think i've posted about this already but yes, i am ready to move on. i'm ready to be in one place for longer than six months; i'm (very) ready to move on with establishing my career. onward and upward for this pharmacist-in-training!
i'm sure i could speak more on my feelings about leaving but there's no time for introspection now; let me just get through this evaluating exam in one piece and then i'll be as introspective as you want.
happy summer solstice!
back to studying,
CET :o)
less than a month since my last post and so much (yet so little) has happened:
degree done: i finished my last set of exams for my pharmacy degree!!! WOOHOO!!! words cannot describe the utter joy that i felt when i walked out of the exam hall. all of us fourth years gathered on the steps outside the school and whooped it up; well okay it was only me jumping up and down and doing the jig - c'mon you brits, show a little emotion! - but regardless, a HUGE sense of relief washed over us and it was a good feeling.
the hook up that didn't happen: i'm apparently quite the seductress when i put my mind to it! don't really want to go into the details but i basically seduced my way into a classmate's bed, only to stop before things REALLY got started. i fully admit to being the temptress but when it came down to it i actually used my head instead of my loins, which does happen very often! i'm good friends with this guy and i just didn't want it to get weird or awkward (which i knew it would because it inevitably does), plus i wasn't all that attracted to him in the first place! it was more a "he was there, we were alone, why not?" type of deal. not worth the momentary pleasure, i thought. i can see us being good friends for a long while and so put the brakes on it before it went too far. yay me for abstaining for once! :oD
and then today i read this article in the guardian. food for thought...
the studying continues: instead of whooping it up, travelling a bit and having an all round good time in london before heading home, i'm stuck at my desk studying for a big exam back in canada at the beginning of july. it's an evaluating exam that all foreign-trained pharmacists/pharmacy students have to take (and pass) before writing the actual licensing exam. so no relaxation for me just yet. :o(
well, that's not true, i am heading to barcelona for a total of 48 hours this week, to meet up with my classmates who have been travelling through portugal and spain while i've been at home revising. they're ending their trip in barcelona and although i couldn't do the full trip with them, i can sure as hell do the last two days!
i'm leaving london for good on july 3rd. no more flying back and forth anymore - this is it! well, i'll be back for convocation in november but you know what i mean; it's the end of quite a significant chapter in my life. i think i've posted about this already but yes, i am ready to move on. i'm ready to be in one place for longer than six months; i'm (very) ready to move on with establishing my career. onward and upward for this pharmacist-in-training!
i'm sure i could speak more on my feelings about leaving but there's no time for introspection now; let me just get through this evaluating exam in one piece and then i'll be as introspective as you want.
happy summer solstice!
back to studying,
CET :o)
Sunday, May 24, 2009
here's a debate for you
i had a recent email debate with an ex of mine (the only ex i still speak to, come to think of it) about whether it's better to withhold the truth in order to avoid conflict, or tell the truth and deal with the consequence, even if the consequence is conflict. he said some people value avoiding conflict over telling the truth, while i say that telling the truth is the right thing to do, as avoiding conflict just makes you chicken shit. what do you think?
and i know my next statement is a GROSS generalization but it is one made based on my own personal experiences these last few years: canadian guys value telling the truth while british guys value avoiding conflict.
my ex (the one i had the debate with) has always been honest and direct in all his dealings with me, when we were together and now as friends; i respected french-canadian guy because he told me straight up that he had started seeing someone who wanted the same things he did (i.e. a relationship), and that he didn't want to jeopardize that by seeing me, as i only wanted something casual. both are canadian.
on the other hand, my british ex (remember "ex-T?") recently avoided telling me that he got engaged, leaving the dirty work to mutual friends. remember londoner? we had a brief fling before i left for canada for the summer, back at the end of second year; he avoided telling me that he had started seeing someone while i was away, and only came out with the truth when i called him on it. and youngin'? oh my god, don't even get me started on him. i won't go into the gory details but suffice it to say that there were SHITLOADS of things that i didn't find out until well after the fact, because he was too afraid/chicken shit to tell me. all of them are british (or english if i have to be specific - don't want to drag the lovely scots, welsh and northern irishmen into the cesspool of deceit if they don't deserve it).
so there you go. why do you think this is so? what are your opinions/conspiracy theories? am i just particularly "lucky" in meeting all these english guys who avoid the truth like the plague? why do they give the truth so little value? maybe i give the truth too high a value. then again, maybe not.
what are your thoughts? your own experiences? any insight is greatly appreciated.
CET :o)
and i know my next statement is a GROSS generalization but it is one made based on my own personal experiences these last few years: canadian guys value telling the truth while british guys value avoiding conflict.
my ex (the one i had the debate with) has always been honest and direct in all his dealings with me, when we were together and now as friends; i respected french-canadian guy because he told me straight up that he had started seeing someone who wanted the same things he did (i.e. a relationship), and that he didn't want to jeopardize that by seeing me, as i only wanted something casual. both are canadian.
on the other hand, my british ex (remember "ex-T?") recently avoided telling me that he got engaged, leaving the dirty work to mutual friends. remember londoner? we had a brief fling before i left for canada for the summer, back at the end of second year; he avoided telling me that he had started seeing someone while i was away, and only came out with the truth when i called him on it. and youngin'? oh my god, don't even get me started on him. i won't go into the gory details but suffice it to say that there were SHITLOADS of things that i didn't find out until well after the fact, because he was too afraid/chicken shit to tell me. all of them are british (or english if i have to be specific - don't want to drag the lovely scots, welsh and northern irishmen into the cesspool of deceit if they don't deserve it).
so there you go. why do you think this is so? what are your opinions/conspiracy theories? am i just particularly "lucky" in meeting all these english guys who avoid the truth like the plague? why do they give the truth so little value? maybe i give the truth too high a value. then again, maybe not.
what are your thoughts? your own experiences? any insight is greatly appreciated.
CET :o)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
yeah, whatever.
the builder who tried to pick me up yesterday stops me today and says "you know what i said yesterday? well i apologize; i was just trying to be friendly" (yeah, "friendly", right. "friendly" is not asking if i have a husband and then giving me the bedroom eyes). he continues to say that his boss "roughed him up" when he caught wind of what happened - i'm sorry, like i'm suppose to feel bad for you? you're only apologizing to me because you got the verbal bitchslap from your boss. i wanted to tell him that the walls of this house are thin; i heard everything his boss said to him and you know what? he deserved it! take that creepoid!
CET :o)
CET :o)
Monday, May 18, 2009
um no.
one of the builders today tried to pick me up.
he asked if i had a husband. my "what the fuck?" face made him ask "why not? don't you want one?" uh yeah perhaps but he definitely won't be you buddy! then he asked if he could take me out for a drink sometime. i told him no; thanks but no thanks. he insisted so i busted out the "i'm leaving the country soon" and "i'm in the middle of exams" to shut him up.
i find out later from my landlord that he's married.
dickhead.
he asked if i had a husband. my "what the fuck?" face made him ask "why not? don't you want one?" uh yeah perhaps but he definitely won't be you buddy! then he asked if he could take me out for a drink sometime. i told him no; thanks but no thanks. he insisted so i busted out the "i'm leaving the country soon" and "i'm in the middle of exams" to shut him up.
i find out later from my landlord that he's married.
dickhead.
Friday, May 15, 2009
grecian sun
well i'm finally back in my own house...the bathroom's not 100% finished but at least the shower, toilet and sink are working again. i had such a great time staying with my friend at his flat though, i didn't want to leave! hanging out with him made me miss having a flatmate. don't get me wrong, i like living with my landlord, but it's definitely not the same as living with a friend.
i'm feeling a bit better about things, though i'm still scared about the future. i cleared things up with one of the people who hurt me so that's good; we came to the unanimous decision that he's a big fat idiot and that he's sorry, so i'm moving on. i also got to see "wolverine" this week in theatres; seeing hugh jackman semi or completely naked always brightens my day.
i thought posting some pics of my recent trip to greece would cheer up the few readers of this blog, so here they are:
the parthenon!
there were lots of stray dogs everywhere. here's one lying in the shadow of the parthenon.
canuckian and canuckian's evil twin!
athens was also covered in graffiti; this is a great pic of graffiti found in the gazi area.
mmm, "donuts"...
sunset over the harbour in aegina.
wee baby turtle amongst the ruins of keramikos!
st georgios church on top of lykavittos hill.
best tzatziki i've tried yet.
sunset over athens, viewed from atop lykavittos hill.
ah, to be back in the sunshine again...
CET :o)
i'm feeling a bit better about things, though i'm still scared about the future. i cleared things up with one of the people who hurt me so that's good; we came to the unanimous decision that he's a big fat idiot and that he's sorry, so i'm moving on. i also got to see "wolverine" this week in theatres; seeing hugh jackman semi or completely naked always brightens my day.
i thought posting some pics of my recent trip to greece would cheer up the few readers of this blog, so here they are:
the parthenon!
there were lots of stray dogs everywhere. here's one lying in the shadow of the parthenon.
canuckian and canuckian's evil twin!
athens was also covered in graffiti; this is a great pic of graffiti found in the gazi area.
mmm, "donuts"...
sunset over the harbour in aegina.
wee baby turtle amongst the ruins of keramikos!
st georgios church on top of lykavittos hill.
best tzatziki i've tried yet.
sunset over athens, viewed from atop lykavittos hill.
ah, to be back in the sunshine again...
CET :o)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
wick's end
and so another month flies by.
i don't know if you're aware, but i'm nearing the end of my degree and therefore the end of my time in london; i'll be returning to canada at the beginning of july.
so many thoughts and yet i don't know what to say.
to be honest i am glad that this chapter in my life is ending. don't get me wrong; i love london and have had a wonderful time here these past four years and have met and made such amazing friends. coming here for pharmacy school was the last thing i ever expected to do but now that i've done it (and almost finished) i can say that i've made the most of my time here and have many cherished memories to always remember london by. i have no regrets (save for a few boys perhaps).
i'm almost finished a four year degree and yet it feels like the path to becoming a pharmacist is only just beginning.
i want the cog wheels of my life and career to move forward, and yet i'm afraid of moving forward at the same time.
i sometimes wonder if i have enough brain power and capacity to become a pharmacist! i have enough heart i know that, but my brain seems a little less reliable. these licensing exams are SCARY SHIT!
i wish i wasn't so melancholy today but a shit week will do that to a person.
i've been sick this whole week with a flu of some description (if i had a penny for the number of times i've heard "swine flu"...); my landlord's renovating the bathroom so i've been staying at a friend's place this week. i've also had three assignment deadlines this week, which has meant late night after late night of work, culminating in a marathon session that had me up until 4:30am friday morning finishing an assignment due that afternoon, followed by working at the bar all friday night. i am tired. i am burnt out. and i haven't even reached exams yet.
a couple of people this week have also hurt and disappointed me deeply. why do people have no regard for how i feel? why does selfishness pervade? why is it so hard for people to do what they say and say what they do? why is it so hard to tell the truth? it is all i ask of anyone and yet the truth is something that seems to evade me. it's like a sick joke.
in some small measure i am glad to be leaving london for the simple fact that it takes me far away from these people who have hurt me.
but this isn't meant to be a whingy post. this is just me trying to sort out my heart and my mind so i can take a deep breath for this last push to the end of finals.
goodnight and good luck,
CET
i don't know if you're aware, but i'm nearing the end of my degree and therefore the end of my time in london; i'll be returning to canada at the beginning of july.
so many thoughts and yet i don't know what to say.
to be honest i am glad that this chapter in my life is ending. don't get me wrong; i love london and have had a wonderful time here these past four years and have met and made such amazing friends. coming here for pharmacy school was the last thing i ever expected to do but now that i've done it (and almost finished) i can say that i've made the most of my time here and have many cherished memories to always remember london by. i have no regrets (save for a few boys perhaps).
i'm almost finished a four year degree and yet it feels like the path to becoming a pharmacist is only just beginning.
i want the cog wheels of my life and career to move forward, and yet i'm afraid of moving forward at the same time.
i sometimes wonder if i have enough brain power and capacity to become a pharmacist! i have enough heart i know that, but my brain seems a little less reliable. these licensing exams are SCARY SHIT!
i wish i wasn't so melancholy today but a shit week will do that to a person.
i've been sick this whole week with a flu of some description (if i had a penny for the number of times i've heard "swine flu"...); my landlord's renovating the bathroom so i've been staying at a friend's place this week. i've also had three assignment deadlines this week, which has meant late night after late night of work, culminating in a marathon session that had me up until 4:30am friday morning finishing an assignment due that afternoon, followed by working at the bar all friday night. i am tired. i am burnt out. and i haven't even reached exams yet.
a couple of people this week have also hurt and disappointed me deeply. why do people have no regard for how i feel? why does selfishness pervade? why is it so hard for people to do what they say and say what they do? why is it so hard to tell the truth? it is all i ask of anyone and yet the truth is something that seems to evade me. it's like a sick joke.
in some small measure i am glad to be leaving london for the simple fact that it takes me far away from these people who have hurt me.
but this isn't meant to be a whingy post. this is just me trying to sort out my heart and my mind so i can take a deep breath for this last push to the end of finals.
goodnight and good luck,
CET
Thursday, April 09, 2009
anguished sentinel is framed!
remember how i bought a painting from not keith? it is now framed - check it out!
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it was the best i could do without getting glare off the glass. my landlord framed it; he even put a little window at the back so one can see the note not keith wrote for me! the painting's going to hang above my bed; i'll post more pics once it's in place.
i love it!
CET :o)
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it was the best i could do without getting glare off the glass. my landlord framed it; he even put a little window at the back so one can see the note not keith wrote for me! the painting's going to hang above my bed; i'll post more pics once it's in place.
i love it!
CET :o)
pink cab, pink banana
some pics of quirky things along commercial street and great eastern street, shoreditch:
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a very phallic-looking pink banana.
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i wonder if people live up there?
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looks like a character from a video game or cartoon.
CET :o)
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a very phallic-looking pink banana.
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i wonder if people live up there?
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looks like a character from a video game or cartoon.
CET :o)
Saturday, April 04, 2009
holla for hellas
hey hey party people!
loveliness: my friends and i hopped into a black cab during the lunch hour a few fridays ago, the day before our school's spring ball; we were making the short trip from our school to the hotel, with party favours and decorations filling the space in the cab. our cab driver was a lovely, white-haired man whose birthday was that very day - 70 years young! - and who filled the short drive with details of his birthday celebrations that evening. he also informed us of him and his wife's upcoming 40th (or 50th?) wedding anniversary. he positively beamed as he told us of his surprise for his wife: a trip to barcelona where their kids and grandkids would be there to surprise her. so sweet! i wanted him to stop the cab so i could hop out, run over to the his window and kiss him right then and there. HE'S the kind of man i want, definitely.
at the end of the short journey we got out of the cab and he said the ride was free! we insisted on paying him though and tipped him generously for being so unbelievably positive and sweet. my insides could not stop squealing - this man was so lovely - for a good long while afterwards. nothing gets me more emotional than:
a) war veterans,
b) war memorials, and
c) old people love.
he had old people love in spades.
spring ball: it was a success! i'm so glad, because it was bloody hard work to make it one! the evening unfolded smoothly and glitch-free, except for the part where i almost could not zip up my dress! here's a couple of pics:
needless to say it looked smashing on me. ;o)
a bunch of us girls spent the night at the hotel and it was pure girly sleepover fun! no, no, no you dirty-minded people, we weren't having a pillow fight in our underwear, we instead catapulted ourselves on the beds in all ways one can catapult oneself; we gossiped about the people at the ball (best dressed, worst dressed), viewed all the pics we took with our plethora of cameras, and generally refused to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. GOOD TIMES.
bhangra: oh dear jeebus and fellow readers, pray for me! we've had two practices so far - just two - and the show is not too far away. we're suppose to start practicing "intensively" starting with a session this thursday, followed by daily practices after the end of easter break; i'm going to need every second of practice i can get! i'm seriously starting to shit bricks over this now, as i'm the only "non-indian" dancer in the troupe so i will stick out like a sore thumb; if i suck, it's REALLY going to show. eek.
greece: only a few sleeps away until i'm basking in the greek sunshine! i absolutely cannot wait. i have a week there with canuckian and we're hoping to hit an island (or two), visit the oracle at delphi, and perhaps partake in the greek orthodox easter holidays. we'll be staying with a friend whom we haven't seen in six years! should be a memorable time.
london burlesque festival: on friday my friends and i attended the newcomers' competition, where i finally saw glamourpuss perform! i also got to meet her after her performance and that was a real treat, though we didn't speak very much; she was so tired after performing (and so soon after surgery too!) that i'm sure all she wanted to do was lay down and rest. i don't blame her. she is so glamourous in person too - her pseudonym suits her very well!
alright, time to crack on with my assignment. sorry for being MIA this past month!
CET :o)
loveliness: my friends and i hopped into a black cab during the lunch hour a few fridays ago, the day before our school's spring ball; we were making the short trip from our school to the hotel, with party favours and decorations filling the space in the cab. our cab driver was a lovely, white-haired man whose birthday was that very day - 70 years young! - and who filled the short drive with details of his birthday celebrations that evening. he also informed us of him and his wife's upcoming 40th (or 50th?) wedding anniversary. he positively beamed as he told us of his surprise for his wife: a trip to barcelona where their kids and grandkids would be there to surprise her. so sweet! i wanted him to stop the cab so i could hop out, run over to the his window and kiss him right then and there. HE'S the kind of man i want, definitely.
at the end of the short journey we got out of the cab and he said the ride was free! we insisted on paying him though and tipped him generously for being so unbelievably positive and sweet. my insides could not stop squealing - this man was so lovely - for a good long while afterwards. nothing gets me more emotional than:
a) war veterans,
b) war memorials, and
c) old people love.
he had old people love in spades.
spring ball: it was a success! i'm so glad, because it was bloody hard work to make it one! the evening unfolded smoothly and glitch-free, except for the part where i almost could not zip up my dress! here's a couple of pics:
needless to say it looked smashing on me. ;o)
a bunch of us girls spent the night at the hotel and it was pure girly sleepover fun! no, no, no you dirty-minded people, we weren't having a pillow fight in our underwear, we instead catapulted ourselves on the beds in all ways one can catapult oneself; we gossiped about the people at the ball (best dressed, worst dressed), viewed all the pics we took with our plethora of cameras, and generally refused to sleep until the wee hours of the morning. GOOD TIMES.
bhangra: oh dear jeebus and fellow readers, pray for me! we've had two practices so far - just two - and the show is not too far away. we're suppose to start practicing "intensively" starting with a session this thursday, followed by daily practices after the end of easter break; i'm going to need every second of practice i can get! i'm seriously starting to shit bricks over this now, as i'm the only "non-indian" dancer in the troupe so i will stick out like a sore thumb; if i suck, it's REALLY going to show. eek.
greece: only a few sleeps away until i'm basking in the greek sunshine! i absolutely cannot wait. i have a week there with canuckian and we're hoping to hit an island (or two), visit the oracle at delphi, and perhaps partake in the greek orthodox easter holidays. we'll be staying with a friend whom we haven't seen in six years! should be a memorable time.
london burlesque festival: on friday my friends and i attended the newcomers' competition, where i finally saw glamourpuss perform! i also got to meet her after her performance and that was a real treat, though we didn't speak very much; she was so tired after performing (and so soon after surgery too!) that i'm sure all she wanted to do was lay down and rest. i don't blame her. she is so glamourous in person too - her pseudonym suits her very well!
alright, time to crack on with my assignment. sorry for being MIA this past month!
CET :o)
Wednesday, March 04, 2009
cosmos speaks
i spent over two hours today learning a new bhangra routine! i'll be performing it with my school's bhangra society at our annual charity show in april. my mother was a dancer when she was young and my dad sings and plays the guitar...i like to think i inherited their rhythm and ear for music, but choreographed dance moves are bloody hard to remember! today was only the first practice but i sure as hell hope i remember the moves and don't screw up on performance day.
rather than do homework i was trawling through facebook tonight, just seeing what people from my past were up to. i emailed an american friend who i met while working at the science museum a lifetime ago; she ended up marrying the canadian guy she shared a flat with while living here. they now live in wisconsin and are expecting their first baby.
i also came across this quote "six billion people in this world but sometimes all you need is one". you know, we can talk about how hard it is to find someone you want to share your life with, and whether we're too picky, not picky enough, too closed off, not open enough, making eye contact, improving body language, trying speed dating, not trying speed dating, trawling online dating sites, joining clubs in the hopes of meeting someone, being open to love and blah, blah, blah, but in the end i think finding someone (or not) is purely the whim of the cosmos.
is this me saying it all comes down to fate, when i chastise the very people who use that as an excuse for everything? perhaps. i think it's me saying to myself (and anyone else in my boat) to stop worrying the fuck over this and just ENJOY LIFE.
goodnight,
CET :o)
rather than do homework i was trawling through facebook tonight, just seeing what people from my past were up to. i emailed an american friend who i met while working at the science museum a lifetime ago; she ended up marrying the canadian guy she shared a flat with while living here. they now live in wisconsin and are expecting their first baby.
i also came across this quote "six billion people in this world but sometimes all you need is one". you know, we can talk about how hard it is to find someone you want to share your life with, and whether we're too picky, not picky enough, too closed off, not open enough, making eye contact, improving body language, trying speed dating, not trying speed dating, trawling online dating sites, joining clubs in the hopes of meeting someone, being open to love and blah, blah, blah, but in the end i think finding someone (or not) is purely the whim of the cosmos.
is this me saying it all comes down to fate, when i chastise the very people who use that as an excuse for everything? perhaps. i think it's me saying to myself (and anyone else in my boat) to stop worrying the fuck over this and just ENJOY LIFE.
goodnight,
CET :o)
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
boho hipster jewish wedding rave
adventures in babysitting: i was asked by my landlord to look after his son yesterday while he went to a friend's surprise birthday dinner. i didn't mind as i was going to be at home anyway. his son and i watched "finding nemo" and "james and the giant peach" (no CSI this time!) before i marched him up to bed. i helped him get into his jammies but managed to accidentally hurt his willy by pulling his jammy bottoms up too high. whoops! as a bedtime story he wanted me to read the leaflet from the "finding nemo" video cassette case (that's right people, we watched these movies on VHS!), which i found hilarious, then i read to him from a book about animals before he fell promptly asleep. i went back downstairs to watch more tv, secretly praying that he wouldn't wet the bed before his father got home.
i had forgotten how the "james and the giant peach" story went and when i watched the movie (it was the tim burton version) i was impressed by how creative and whimsical the story was. what imagination! it's sad that we lose that sort of imagination as adults, and the belief that things like huge flying peaches can exist in our time and our world. i mean, why not?
jewish rave, anyone?: a friend of mine came up from brighton to visit me and some other friends this weekend. after having lovely brunch and a lazy wander around camden market in the afternoon, i met up with him later on in the evening to go to a club/arts collective/whatever you want to call it - passing clouds - to see a world music group called balkan beat box. i can say with some authority that this was one of the more interesting evenings i've spent out in london.
a la sophia from the golden girls: picture it, london, england, febuary 2009. a winding road leads the group of us to a non-descript warehouse, used as a church on sundays (according to the banner hanging from the roof). after waiting in the line-up/queue for an age, we're finally ushered in to a cavernous room filled to the brim with hipsters in various states of boho chic, with an odd freak in ghost makeup thrown in to keep things spicy. suddenly the band starts playing and it's the oddest music i hear coming from their instruments - jewish klezmer music mixed with spanish beats of some sort, along with a bit that sounds like the soundtrack to "the godfather". and the music wasn't even the weird part (it was actually pretty good); the weird part were the people going absolutely APE SHIT for this music, dancing like their lives depended on it and practically bouncing off the cinder block walls. i've never seen people go nuts like that. it was all quite surreal. who knew an underground jewish wedding could garner this type of reaction?
night night,
CET :o)
i had forgotten how the "james and the giant peach" story went and when i watched the movie (it was the tim burton version) i was impressed by how creative and whimsical the story was. what imagination! it's sad that we lose that sort of imagination as adults, and the belief that things like huge flying peaches can exist in our time and our world. i mean, why not?
jewish rave, anyone?: a friend of mine came up from brighton to visit me and some other friends this weekend. after having lovely brunch and a lazy wander around camden market in the afternoon, i met up with him later on in the evening to go to a club/arts collective/whatever you want to call it - passing clouds - to see a world music group called balkan beat box. i can say with some authority that this was one of the more interesting evenings i've spent out in london.
a la sophia from the golden girls: picture it, london, england, febuary 2009. a winding road leads the group of us to a non-descript warehouse, used as a church on sundays (according to the banner hanging from the roof). after waiting in the line-up/queue for an age, we're finally ushered in to a cavernous room filled to the brim with hipsters in various states of boho chic, with an odd freak in ghost makeup thrown in to keep things spicy. suddenly the band starts playing and it's the oddest music i hear coming from their instruments - jewish klezmer music mixed with spanish beats of some sort, along with a bit that sounds like the soundtrack to "the godfather". and the music wasn't even the weird part (it was actually pretty good); the weird part were the people going absolutely APE SHIT for this music, dancing like their lives depended on it and practically bouncing off the cinder block walls. i've never seen people go nuts like that. it was all quite surreal. who knew an underground jewish wedding could garner this type of reaction?
night night,
CET :o)
Sunday, February 22, 2009
i'm just not into this movie
on friday i went to see the movie "he's just not that into you". before seeing this movie i was aware that it was a chick flick (duh), but both guys and girls who had seen it said it was smart, funny and had something for guys as well as girls, so i was somewhat hopeful it wouldn't suck.
my hope was sorely misplaced.
the ENTIRE movie espouses the message that if he's interested he'll make it known; that those urban myths of girls marrying guys who were initially jackasses are the exception and not the rule, and yet in the last fifteen minutes two things happen in the movie that COMPLETELY negates this message:
a) the asshole falls in love with the girl, telling her she's "his" exception and not the rule; and
b) the guy who doesn't believe in marriage proposes to his girlfriend.
blech.
what is the point of doling out this "he's just not that into you" gospel when you're going to blasphemise it with the typical hollywood happy ending? this movie had the chance to be smart and funny and instead relegated itself to the typical hollywood brainless mush.
and OH MY GOD, are women really THAT pathetic? seriously, ginnifer goodwin's character made me want to throw popcorn at the screen. and jesus effin' christ, someone needs to tell hollywood that NOT EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED. I REPEAT, NOT EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED. why is it not enough to be in a happy, stable relationship? why does it have to be certified by the state? i just don't get it.
if you want mindless fluff and believe all movies should have happy endings then this movie is definitely for you. if you want a movie that challenges you (and the stereotypes found in society) and isn't afraid to have an ending that's less than happy then look somewhere else.
retch.
CET
my hope was sorely misplaced.
the ENTIRE movie espouses the message that if he's interested he'll make it known; that those urban myths of girls marrying guys who were initially jackasses are the exception and not the rule, and yet in the last fifteen minutes two things happen in the movie that COMPLETELY negates this message:
a) the asshole falls in love with the girl, telling her she's "his" exception and not the rule; and
b) the guy who doesn't believe in marriage proposes to his girlfriend.
blech.
what is the point of doling out this "he's just not that into you" gospel when you're going to blasphemise it with the typical hollywood happy ending? this movie had the chance to be smart and funny and instead relegated itself to the typical hollywood brainless mush.
and OH MY GOD, are women really THAT pathetic? seriously, ginnifer goodwin's character made me want to throw popcorn at the screen. and jesus effin' christ, someone needs to tell hollywood that NOT EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED. I REPEAT, NOT EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO GET MARRIED. why is it not enough to be in a happy, stable relationship? why does it have to be certified by the state? i just don't get it.
if you want mindless fluff and believe all movies should have happy endings then this movie is definitely for you. if you want a movie that challenges you (and the stereotypes found in society) and isn't afraid to have an ending that's less than happy then look somewhere else.
retch.
CET
Saturday, February 14, 2009
done and dusted
hello! i'm back from the exam dead!
three weeks of miserable torture and i am finally done. thank GOD! seriously. i feel like my life's been handed back to me. free from the shackles of my desk, i am now able to venture back out into the world and interact with other humans. sweetness.
had a lovely afternoon ramble around the local park/cemetery with my friend model boy. it was hauntingly beautiful and i wished i had brought my camera. i will definitely be going back to take some pictures. i also came across a tombstone with the phrase "he exchanged time for eternity". i like that.
i bought a work of art! i saw this about a week ago and fell in love with it instantly. the colour, the detail and the solitude of the figure moved me. after a quick email exchange with not keith i am now the proud owner of the piece! it came in the mail today. my landlord's going to frame it and when it's done i'll show you.
and...i'm going to greece during the easter break! i am beyond excited. my sister booked her flight and wanted me there as well - we'll be visiting a friend who lives in athens whom we haven't seen in almost 6 years! i feel very blessed because this is only possible through the use of my sister's credit card. THANK YOU! MWAH! x
i am happy today.
CET :o)
three weeks of miserable torture and i am finally done. thank GOD! seriously. i feel like my life's been handed back to me. free from the shackles of my desk, i am now able to venture back out into the world and interact with other humans. sweetness.
had a lovely afternoon ramble around the local park/cemetery with my friend model boy. it was hauntingly beautiful and i wished i had brought my camera. i will definitely be going back to take some pictures. i also came across a tombstone with the phrase "he exchanged time for eternity". i like that.
i bought a work of art! i saw this about a week ago and fell in love with it instantly. the colour, the detail and the solitude of the figure moved me. after a quick email exchange with not keith i am now the proud owner of the piece! it came in the mail today. my landlord's going to frame it and when it's done i'll show you.
and...i'm going to greece during the easter break! i am beyond excited. my sister booked her flight and wanted me there as well - we'll be visiting a friend who lives in athens whom we haven't seen in almost 6 years! i feel very blessed because this is only possible through the use of my sister's credit card. THANK YOU! MWAH! x
i am happy today.
CET :o)
Monday, February 02, 2009
exam? what exam? there's a snowman to be built!
my exam got cancelled today because of all the snow! i had a lovely and much-needed day doing absolutely nothing but enjoying the snow: i built a snowman, had a snowball fight and went tobogganing. i haven't played all day like that since i was a kid. it was absolutely fabulous. :o)
my snowman, "the gardener". notice the lizard at his feet?
he has chestnut eyes, a walnut nose and a little stone mouth.
that's the "flower" he's holding in his hand.
hope your snow day was fun and relaxing!
CET :o)
my snowman, "the gardener". notice the lizard at his feet?
he has chestnut eyes, a walnut nose and a little stone mouth.
that's the "flower" he's holding in his hand.
hope your snow day was fun and relaxing!
CET :o)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
wee man
my landlord's three-year old son was crying tonight; long story short but on tuesday nights there's about an hour in the evening when my landlord's out and his ex-wife - who comes to put the little one to sleep - leaves after doing so. it was in this window of time that the wee man gets up to find both parents not home. he was sitting on the steps crying and my heart went out to him. poor little guy, feeling all alone. he obviously wasn't going to go back to bed so he sat with me for a while watching CSI with me. okay, maybe i shouldn't expose a three-year old to an autopsy and obvious signs of rigor mortis but it was CSI! anyhoo, i had to study so he slept on my bed while i tried to do some work, waiting for his dad to get home.
i'm sure commentary on the fallout of divorce and parenting is in this post somewhere, but right now it's not for me to make. i just want the little guy to be happy.
i'm sure commentary on the fallout of divorce and parenting is in this post somewhere, but right now it's not for me to make. i just want the little guy to be happy.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Year of the Ox and German biscuits
HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR!!! may you all be blessed with health, happiness and wealth. :oD
i'm sat at my desk trying to study today and not getting very far.
i just opened a pack of choco leibniz biscuits and the smell is effin' intoxicating. must devour.
(image courtesy of c ray dancer)
have a great new year's day everyone!
CET :o)
i'm sat at my desk trying to study today and not getting very far.
i just opened a pack of choco leibniz biscuits and the smell is effin' intoxicating. must devour.
(image courtesy of c ray dancer)
have a great new year's day everyone!
CET :o)
Saturday, January 24, 2009
self-realization (not the good kind)
yep, i am that girl. that crazy girl.
youngin' is not dating ex-flattie. it was all in my head. me and my jumping-to-conclusions. me and my own issues.
eek. i'm that girl.
as one of my lecturers pointed out a little while ago (and not in reference to me might i add - it had something to do with something or other that i don't remember now), "(i am) locked in the tragedy of my own story."
gotta get out of that, pronto!
in other news, today marks the start of my study/revision period until exams in the first week of february. wish me luck!
youngin' is not dating ex-flattie. it was all in my head. me and my jumping-to-conclusions. me and my own issues.
eek. i'm that girl.
as one of my lecturers pointed out a little while ago (and not in reference to me might i add - it had something to do with something or other that i don't remember now), "(i am) locked in the tragedy of my own story."
gotta get out of that, pronto!
in other news, today marks the start of my study/revision period until exams in the first week of february. wish me luck!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
a beautiful moment
watching this made me all emotional and slightly teary. president or not, it's wonderful to see the obamas so clearly in love and enjoying themselves. and beyonce made me even more emotional, seeing her so proud and so touched to be a part of such a special moment.
gawd, i am just full of emotions lately.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
a wee announcement...
i'm getting published! no, no, no, not a book deal or anything flash like that - the research i did in early 2008 is getting published in a well-respected scientific journal! and guess who's first author? moi! woohoo!!! needless to say i'm thrilled. it's my first publication, from someone who NEVER thought she'd be published, let alone in a scientific journal.
i spent the afternoon today watching obama's inauguration. i teared up a few times. and aretha's hat! smashing. you go girl.
i feel lucky to have been a witness to history today.
my landlord's three-year old son was watching a bit of it with me; i was trying to explain to him what was happening, in the hopes that he might remember this day too, even if he's only three. :o)
did i tell you i'm a member of my university's spring ball committee? i joined so i could make sure it doesn't suck. seriously. and thank goodness i did. anyhoo, the venue's been booked and it's elegant and fabulous; i am so excited. even better is the fact that i bought my ball gown yesterday - a floor-length, blood red ball gown - for only 38 quid!!! that's like, $75 canadian dollars! bargain! it was left over from the christmas sales and was discounted from 150 to 49 pounds. i got another 25% off at the register and voila, a slammin' dress for 38 quid. i'll post a pic of it on the day of the ball - no sneak peeks until then!
gotta go, gotta eat and do some semblence of work.
CET :oS
i spent the afternoon today watching obama's inauguration. i teared up a few times. and aretha's hat! smashing. you go girl.
i feel lucky to have been a witness to history today.
my landlord's three-year old son was watching a bit of it with me; i was trying to explain to him what was happening, in the hopes that he might remember this day too, even if he's only three. :o)
did i tell you i'm a member of my university's spring ball committee? i joined so i could make sure it doesn't suck. seriously. and thank goodness i did. anyhoo, the venue's been booked and it's elegant and fabulous; i am so excited. even better is the fact that i bought my ball gown yesterday - a floor-length, blood red ball gown - for only 38 quid!!! that's like, $75 canadian dollars! bargain! it was left over from the christmas sales and was discounted from 150 to 49 pounds. i got another 25% off at the register and voila, a slammin' dress for 38 quid. i'll post a pic of it on the day of the ball - no sneak peeks until then!
gotta go, gotta eat and do some semblence of work.
CET :oS
Sunday, January 18, 2009
unconscious fear rearing its ugly head
you can't control other people's actions, only your own.
only you can control your reaction to other people.
this is what i keep telling myself.
i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.
for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.
i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?
i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.
i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.
it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.
how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.
only you can control your reaction to other people.
this is what i keep telling myself.
i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.
for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.
i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?
i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.
i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.
it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.
how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
why hello there!
i figured that if i'm sitting in front of the computer reading blogs when i should be working on my papers and projects, i should at least bang out a post on this poor little blog!
i'm sorry blog, i've neglected you for a long time. and my readers! well, the ones i have left anyway. for a while now i've stopped looking at my counter at the bottom because i don't really want to know that no one is reading this anymore. i don't blame them really, seeing as how i've been so shite about blogging. i always seem to find other bloggers articulating SO WELL the stuff i've also been feeling that i'm like "what's the point of repeating it in a less articulate, less witty fashion?" i don't want to add to the absolute crap out there in the blogosphere but then i feel guilty for not posting. dumb thing is i always make mental notes to "blog about this or blog about that" but then i never do it! argh.
and if blogging wasn't enough, what's up with this twitter business? i seriously don't understand the obsession with it. a blog and a facebook profile should be MORE THAN ENOUGH to let the whole world know how you're feeling/what you're thinking every minute of everyday, why bombard them with more status messages? i suppose though that people who follow twitter actually want to follow it so who am i to judge, right? well, i'm judging anyway.
and can i just say that facebook is just TOO MUCH INFORMATION sometimes. "in a relationship" becomes "it's complicated" becomes "in an open relationship" becomes "single", all in the space of a few hours, let alone a few days or even months! i really need to turn that stupid option off on my newsfeed.
so, HAPPY NEW YEAR! i hope everyone had a lovely holiday and spent it eating lots and growing their bums and muffin tops. that's what i did. pictures taken at the beginning of december show CET's well-defined jawline; pictures taken after new year's show that the jawline is now missing and has been replaced with a roll of chin fat. nice. i suppose because of this, losing weight should on my list of new year's resolutions but a) i don't have a list and b) at this point i don't think i need to exercise to lose weight - the sheer stress of deadlines and exams looming alone should cause enough weight to fall off. and i don't think i need to change my diet because a) i'm a student which means b) i'm poor which means c) i don't buy a lot of food which means d) my daily caloric intake will be far less than in the last month which means e) by default i should lose some weight. that's sound logic, no?
before flying home to canada for the holidays, a friend of mine came over to visit and we took a four-day trip to prague together! as this is my last year in london i made a list of places in europe i would like to visit before i fly home for good; prague was at the top of my list. when i lived in london years ago with my sister, canadians needed a visa to get into the czech republic, so we never really exerted the time, money or effort to visit when so many other places could be explored without the hassle of a visa. skip to present day and canadians no longer need a visa to visit, so off i went! i think i picked the best time to go to prague too - right before christmas; this meant christmas markets in all the town squares were in full swing! oh it was so beautiful. if you weren't taking thousands of pictures of the stunning architecture you were drinking in the atmosphere of christmas and of happiness, and stuffing your face with yummy things like trdelniks and hot chocolate that gave you instant orgasms. mmm. here are a few of my favourite pics:
.jpg)
ahhh, my ode to the czech pilsner. cheaper than juice!
.jpg)
the baroque church of st. nicholas, with horses and carriage in the foreground.
.jpg)
walking down from petrin hill; i like to call this pic the "czech montmartre".
.jpg)
looking through into the old jewish cemetery. bodies buried in some places twelve people deep, because jews were not allowed to be buried outside the jewish quarter back in the day.
.jpg)
the "obecni dum" or municipal house, a visual symphony dedicated to art nouveau. LOVED IT. and finally...
.jpg)
a trdelnik! dough wrapped around metal poles rotisseried over an open pit, then coated with sugar and spices. drooooooool. i had one everyday (of course).
i have loads more pictures but my computer's taking bloody forever to upload these things so i will stop here. off to scavenge for food and then it's an early night i think (the jet lag's starting to get to me).
welcome back (hopefully!)
CET :o)
i'm sorry blog, i've neglected you for a long time. and my readers! well, the ones i have left anyway. for a while now i've stopped looking at my counter at the bottom because i don't really want to know that no one is reading this anymore. i don't blame them really, seeing as how i've been so shite about blogging. i always seem to find other bloggers articulating SO WELL the stuff i've also been feeling that i'm like "what's the point of repeating it in a less articulate, less witty fashion?" i don't want to add to the absolute crap out there in the blogosphere but then i feel guilty for not posting. dumb thing is i always make mental notes to "blog about this or blog about that" but then i never do it! argh.
and if blogging wasn't enough, what's up with this twitter business? i seriously don't understand the obsession with it. a blog and a facebook profile should be MORE THAN ENOUGH to let the whole world know how you're feeling/what you're thinking every minute of everyday, why bombard them with more status messages? i suppose though that people who follow twitter actually want to follow it so who am i to judge, right? well, i'm judging anyway.
and can i just say that facebook is just TOO MUCH INFORMATION sometimes. "in a relationship" becomes "it's complicated" becomes "in an open relationship" becomes "single", all in the space of a few hours, let alone a few days or even months! i really need to turn that stupid option off on my newsfeed.
so, HAPPY NEW YEAR! i hope everyone had a lovely holiday and spent it eating lots and growing their bums and muffin tops. that's what i did. pictures taken at the beginning of december show CET's well-defined jawline; pictures taken after new year's show that the jawline is now missing and has been replaced with a roll of chin fat. nice. i suppose because of this, losing weight should on my list of new year's resolutions but a) i don't have a list and b) at this point i don't think i need to exercise to lose weight - the sheer stress of deadlines and exams looming alone should cause enough weight to fall off. and i don't think i need to change my diet because a) i'm a student which means b) i'm poor which means c) i don't buy a lot of food which means d) my daily caloric intake will be far less than in the last month which means e) by default i should lose some weight. that's sound logic, no?
before flying home to canada for the holidays, a friend of mine came over to visit and we took a four-day trip to prague together! as this is my last year in london i made a list of places in europe i would like to visit before i fly home for good; prague was at the top of my list. when i lived in london years ago with my sister, canadians needed a visa to get into the czech republic, so we never really exerted the time, money or effort to visit when so many other places could be explored without the hassle of a visa. skip to present day and canadians no longer need a visa to visit, so off i went! i think i picked the best time to go to prague too - right before christmas; this meant christmas markets in all the town squares were in full swing! oh it was so beautiful. if you weren't taking thousands of pictures of the stunning architecture you were drinking in the atmosphere of christmas and of happiness, and stuffing your face with yummy things like trdelniks and hot chocolate that gave you instant orgasms. mmm. here are a few of my favourite pics:
.jpg)
ahhh, my ode to the czech pilsner. cheaper than juice!
.jpg)
the baroque church of st. nicholas, with horses and carriage in the foreground.
.jpg)
walking down from petrin hill; i like to call this pic the "czech montmartre".
.jpg)
looking through into the old jewish cemetery. bodies buried in some places twelve people deep, because jews were not allowed to be buried outside the jewish quarter back in the day.
.jpg)
the "obecni dum" or municipal house, a visual symphony dedicated to art nouveau. LOVED IT. and finally...
.jpg)
a trdelnik! dough wrapped around metal poles rotisseried over an open pit, then coated with sugar and spices. drooooooool. i had one everyday (of course).
i have loads more pictures but my computer's taking bloody forever to upload these things so i will stop here. off to scavenge for food and then it's an early night i think (the jet lag's starting to get to me).
welcome back (hopefully!)
CET :o)
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