anger

just thought i'd expunge this here so i can get on with painting my toenails.

remember how ex-T didn't tell me about his engagement, leaving the dirty work to friends?

so my phone rang just a little while ago; i check the caller ID and it's ex-T. i wasn't expecting to hear from him for - oh i don't know, ever - so i hesitated for a few rings before answering it. he heard from a mutual friend that i was leaving town for good soon and so wanted to say one last hello and wish me all the best. throughout the exchange of niceties i kept debating whether or not to call him out on his cowardliness; on one hand "let sleeping dogs lie" and all that, but on the other i thought "fuck, why should i hang up without saying anything?" so nearing the end of the conversation i say "isn't there something you're forgetting?" to which he immediately replied "oh, that i'm engaged?" um yeah DUH, that you're engaged and forgot to tell me. at first he claims that he already told me, or at least he thought so, then he says he forgot, as he had to tell so many people that he must've forgotten to tell me. right.

i told him that it wasn't all that nice having to hear news like that from mutual friends (quite shit, frankly) when it's something that he should have told me himself. he then goes on - and this confirms for me YET AGAIN, why breaking up with him was the right thing to do - to imply that he's the VICTIM, that he's the victim of my horrible accusations. sigh. once a coward, always a coward.

even if it was true, that he sincerely thought he told me and that if he didn't it was an oversight, what a shitty thing to do to someone who was your first girlfriend (he's engaged to his second) for three years and the first person you ever loved and deeply at that?

i got off the phone with him and my hands were shaking. i hate how after all these years he can still affect me like that.

this particular boy sucks the chunk monkey SO large right now.

CET

unconscious fear rearing its ugly head

you can't control other people's actions, only your own.

only you can control your reaction to other people.

this is what i keep telling myself.

i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.

for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?

i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.

i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.

it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.

how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.

loose screw

wow. i think i'm a cliche. i just spent the evening watching old "sex and the city" episodes while eating leftover curry. i think the cliche involves eating ice cream but bah, close enough.

how the heck do you put the accent agu on top of the e in "cliche"? where is the button for that???

it's times like now that i think i should just finish my last year here and go home. fact is that while london is cool and exciting and just full of so much stuff to do, i don't feel like anyone here cares for me. no, i'm not being self-pitying, i'm pretty sure it's a fact. i've been here for a week and a half and i've barely seen anyone. everyone's too busy - everyone's always too busy - i don't think anyone would notice whether i lived in london or not!

no wait, there is one person who's happy to see me back: my friend gabby. love her to bits. she's preggers, working full-time and doing her masters of finance in the evenings. she is also the most beautiful woman i know. seriously. fucking knockout with a heart of gold. i wish i could see her right now.

okay, okay, i'm going to slap myself now. as cher said in a movie once, "SNAP OUT OF IT!"

rant over. must suck it up and move on. if progress was made in the lit review i have to write i would probably be feeling better right now.

oh no wait, rant not over. I HATE FACEBOOK. i hate it for telling me youngin' is now in a relationship. i hate it for the fact that i can click on his new girlfriend's profile and see what she looks like. i hate it for the fact that he's been tagged in a photo with his arm around her. i hate the fact that i'm still curious about him. i hate the fact that i even liked him! i hate the fact that he's good-looking in that roughian kind of way that just makes me want to jump and ride him everytime i see him! i hate the fact that he still has that effect on me. i hate the fact that i still want to shag him, even when the sex wasn't stellar in the first place! even with his knob being so big! i hate the fact that i know his knob is big!!!

whew. i'm spent. goodnight.

CET

flat hunting

i saw a house tonight and it was lovely - i'd be living with two guys and a girl - i told them i was definitely interested but they still have people viewing the place until friday, and told me they would get back to me with their final decision then.

basically it comes down to who they think will be most compatible to live with.

i feel like a contestant on a dating show - what was that one called? oh yeah, "love connection" - i'm viewing their house but really they are viewing me, inspecting me with a critical eye wondering "will she be a suitable housemate?"

i really like the house and even texted them afterwards, making a joke about swaying their decision with my mean pot of chili and the fact that i like watching the footie...do you think i just pissed away a chance at the house because i might come across as a stalker housemate wannabe? just from one text message joke? i hope not! :oS

i don't like feeling like i'm being judged. i bet you with two guys in the house they'll probably go for the hottest chick that viewed the place. not that i'm not hot (i have my moments of hotness!) but you know, it'll probably be some tall, leggy blonde.

hmpf.

CET

hope and redemption

took an (extended) break from studying tonight to watch "shawshank redemption" - i have always caught bits and bobs of it but have never seen it from start to finish - and it's beautiful. slow, understated but resonant with feeling. and morgan freeman? i love him. one day when i'm old i want the wrinkles on my face to be as deeply etched as his, each one telling a story.

in other news, i've realized i am quite annoyed with facebook and reading the current status updates of my friends. i mean, it's a well-known fact that facebook is a great stalking tool - you KNOW i'm not talking scary stalking, more like creepin' on your latest crush, that's all - and don't TELL me you haven't at least once looked up a past love, a current lover, or a long-time crush; what i don't like are the updates that suggest something about how the person's feeling or what they're doing, like they want the whole world to know but they don't say it outright - it leaves you guessing as to what they mean. shit like "(insert name) is up against the naughty wall." huh? do i even want to know? i DON'T want to know and yet now i sort of know and my mind's going in a thousand different directions! ARGH!

lesson learnt: do not read friends' status updates; disable function that allows them to pop up on the news feed and along the side bar. and don't blog when you think you're going to end up sounding slightly crazy. make that extremely crazy.

CET :o)

what the fuck?

it's my lunch hour at the moment but instead of feeding my rumbling belly i am blogging because i am just slightly upset.

so i was suppose to go to a friend's housewarming tomorrow and i knew that office boy was going to be there. no big deal as it's SO in the past and he has a girlfriend anyway and i'd like to think we're both adults but i guess he proved me wrong. i spoke to my friend today and apparently when she mentioned i would be at the party he got all "weirded out" and basically made it obvious that he was not comfortable with me being there. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT? how old are we office boy, TWO?

i know you might think "well, what about your friend, she should've told him to suck it up as you're her friend as well". i forgive her because it's not so much about choosing which friend's side but more of "i don't want there to be an uncomfortable atmosphere in the room". besides, i kind of did that to her once so i suppose we are now even. there's karma for you, eh?

i just can't help shaking my head and laughing at this whole debaucle. i honestly wonder what's going through his head and why after all this time he is acting the way he's acting. he has a girlfriend, for christ's sake! oh yeah, they got back together after he shattered her ice-cold heart. whatever.

does he still think i like him? do boys think girls, once they admit their crush, will always like them - will like the boy to the end of the girl's daying days? i mean, for real? he is so full of himself if he thinks i still want him. my god, if anything now he just makes me want to puke. oh, and punch him in his stupid-ass face.

ah, feel a bit better now. off to forage for some food.

CET :o/

rant

so i just came out of a lecture today given by a VP of a prominent pharmaceutical company. he was suppose to speak to us about regulatory affairs but instead ended up sounding like a careers counsellor, oh, and not to mention a mouthpiece for all that's great and wonderful about the pharmaceutical industry.

he asked if there were any questions halfway through the lecture and so i asked why pharmaceutical companies, for all their profits and resources, are not doing more to make medicines available to those who desparately need it, e.g. developing countries in which people can barely afford to survive, let alone have access to and pay for AIDS retroviral medication. of course he answered with how these pharma companies have already done so much and that even if we make billions of dollars in profit, we have to pay a lot of taxes and bills, the cost of the research to bring drugs onto the market, be accountable to our shareholders, blah, blah, blah, etc.; in short, he did not answer my question. while i do see his point, and while i am not so naive as to not realize that at the end of the day a pharmaceutical company is a business, i just don't think he should be taking the complacent approach by saying "look, we've already done so much, we don't need to do more." if you've done so much then why are diseases like AIDS getting worse instead of better? while you distribute medicines to countries all over the world, why are the majority of the medicines headed for countries that can actually afford them? i know it's not all the pharmaceutical companies' fault; many governments (including canada) have promised medicines to developing countries only to deliver a miniscule amount if at all; i also know that education and prevention is as important, if not more so, in bringing about a reduction in the number of cases of AIDS. i just don't believe these companies are doing enough to improve the situation.

i know, i know, can they ever do enough? what is enough, when no one ever has to die from AIDS? i know this is the type of argument that could go on forever, but the way he was going on about the pharmaceutical industry you'd think it was the best thing since the invention of the wheel.

and i hate how it always comes down to money; look how much you can make if you were in industry, look how much you'd get in bonuses if you went onto become a lawyer representing patients or even the pharma companies themselves; you could practically see the dollar signs popping out of everyone's eyes. it made me sad.

and no, i don't think i'm morally superior than everyone else in the room and yes, of course people want to be paid well for what they do and i am no exception; while i know perhaps i can be too idealistic at times, i don't think it's "too idealistic" of me to expect more accountability and more action from the very companies that have the means and resources to invoke real change and improvement in the health of the world.

CET :o(

don't read this if you're a boy

i just saw some fireworks outside my window...at first i heard them and thought they were gunshots (hahaha, ahhh...), but then when i looked outside i saw all this glorious colour. i don't know why they were being set off, but it was lovely to watch all the same.

i feel kinda bummed today...i called scottish guy to let him know i was back from my trip; he said he wanted to meet when i got back. our conversation was fine, funny and flowing as always, but then he said he was "fully booked up" this weekend and how about this coming week? i told him canuckian's in town as of monday for the week, plus he himself has a relative coming to visit next weekend, so basically we kind of left it for the week after this one.

needless to say i was a bit disappointed, as we haven't met up for over two weeks now. i know, i know, i had exams and then my trip and all, but i was hoping he would be at least a little more keen to meet up, and would've at least had a bit of time this weekend to do so. it's just that in between dates (yes i know, i know, we've only had two but still) he's really not communicative at all, and it's always me sending an e-mail or a text here and there that he then replies to, and not right away either, more like twelve plus hours after the fact. is he just not a prompt e-mailer/texter/responder like myself? am i over-analyzing this? why does he seem so nonchalant about me in between dates, but the dates themselves are so great and i can obviously see that he's really into me? why is it so hard to find someone that likes you as much as you like them and wants to spend time with you?

so later on in the afternoon after our initial conversation, a friend gave me the idea to give him a quick ring and see if he would be free this afternoon for a coffee, seeing as how he his plans were for the evening. i called him but ended up interrupting him at an art gallery; i was so embarrassed i tried to get off the phone as quickly as i could. he said to give him a ring or an e-mail tomorrow but what's the point? I WANT HIM TO RECIPROCATE! PUT IN A BIT OF EFFORT! YOU CALL ME BUDDY, I DESERVE AT LEAST THAT MUCH!

i know i'm female and i obviously can't help it, but i hate it when i reduce myself to that type of female that i hate: neurotic, over-analytical, consumed by boys/a boy and what they think, what they feel, why they do this and why they do that, what does it mean when he does this, blah blah blah BARF. i hate it because more often than not (and if this is a generalization who cares, bite me) the boy in question/analysis isn't thinking ANY of these things, and probably doesn't even think of his actions or the consequences, he just does what he does and there probably isn't even a real reason for doing so, he's just being a boy. i hate thinking and thinking and thinking of possible explanations for said boy's actions when in reality there are no explanations there to be had. argh.

okay, i'm done my emotional purge for the evening, ugh. off to smoke some shisha with the girls.

CET

nothing says a good weekend...

...like having to clean someone else's vomit off your flamenco dress the day after a housewarming costume party (the vomit came from some random girl on the bus on the way home, nice);

...like cooking a kick-ass dinner with vij for kiwigirl, her sis and marvin the martian (note: i can cook keema now, and i also share the same inseam measurement as marvin, in addition to being his sexual twin);

...like having business woman arrive in london for two weeks; picked her up and after a rest we went for sausages and mash at S&M cafe (as you do), followed by shopping at spitalfields. coffee shop hottie was working that day but i didn't go inside. it's really damn annoying being a poor student at your most favourite market in the world, but i guess there are worse things. note: had just about the most orgasmic (yes people, ORGASMIC) chocolate brownie in the world - not a word of a lie - rich as hell, moist as fuck, oh yes, OH YES (!!!), my eyes rolled back and CET was somewhere in heaven :o)

pet peeve: the "sprucing up" of camden and spitalfields markets, i.e. let's put all these glass and metal structures up around and in the existing marketspace, thereby killing any grunginess, grimey-ness, atmosphere and general CHARACTER that was what made these places beautiful. ARGH! modern architecture is nice but it has no place in markets over a hundred years old.

back to my lab write-up!

CET :o)

'the modern day ken and barbie'

holy shit what a weekend. let me break it down:

friday: cousin's wedding tea ceremony, then reception at banquet hall

conclusion: disorganization, chaos, relatives coming out to whazoo, happiness, joy, tears, lucky money, lots of gold = glad that's over with!


saturday: family friend's daughter's wedding

background: we use to play together when we were young, before a spat between one of the other families and my family caused us to not hang out anymore. bygones are now bygones, hence we were invited to her wedding (along with the other family that we feuded with). oh, and this was the first time we've seen our old playmate in about 10-15 years.

conclusion: some people are put on this earth to make you feel bad about yourself - she is one of them. no fault of her own mind you, i don't blame her at all, but it was all just so perfect it made me want to puke. she used to work as a model and her fiance (now husband) still works as a model; it was like i was dropped off on some alien planet that had a golf and country club, where all the aliens are wearing white (yes my friends, it was a 'themed' wedding where all the guests had to wear white. what did canuckian and i wear? black. foxy black dresses mind you, but black. i mean, white flatters less than 0.0001% of the world's population, am i really going to drop a fortune on a dress that makes me look fat? i don't think so. plus white is the colour of funerals and death in chinese culture, not weddings, so i was not under any circumstances going to wear white.) and look like they've stepped off the pages of a fashion magazine. at least the food was good and they had a jazz band, plus it was canada day so we got to see a bit of the fireworks coming from canada's wonderland.

best/worst moment: i was wearing a diamond ring on my right hand (a graduation gift from my family, using my grandmother's old diamond earrings), and would switch the ring onto my left hand whenever they played games where they asked all the singletons to come to the front of the stage, thus anyone who would try to get me to go to the stage would be met with a "i am engaged." of course the time comes for the throwing of the bouquet; i didn't want to go up there of course, but under intense pressure from my mom and her friend (plus canuckian had gone to the bathroom so i had no backup support), i slowly made my way to the front of the room. i hesitated for a second, when suddenly one of the 'aunties' - one that i despise, mind you - shouts out to me to get up on stage. i yell back at her "i'm engaged!" and she turns to my mom and asks "is this really TRUE?" of course my mom has to tell the truth, so when i'm back from not catching the bouquet the auntie asks that question that all singletons dread at functions like these, "so when's it your turn???"

auntie: "so when's it your turn?"
CET: "not for a long, long time thank you very much."
auntie (condescendingly): "but why not? it's a part of LIFE you know"
CET (fighting the urge to smack auntie's face): "i suppose so, but i'm busy doing other things. perhaps eventually, sure, but at the moment, NO."

then i looked at her with a "ask me one more question pertaining to my single status and i will bitch slap you from here to kingdom come" look. i think she took the hint. her young daughter was sitting next to us as we had this exchange; i could almost see the auntie reach out to cover her daughter's ears, lest she be exposed to such blasphemy. anyhoo, needless to say i was glad to see that evening over with too.


sunday: vegetarian reception for my cousin and his new bride, with 99% of the guests being from our temple

conclusion: i was the designated photographer and was glad for the job (to keep me busy); the food was fine, the guests were fine, everything was fine except for the bloody sermon delivered by the "religious figurehead" of our temple. she wanted to bless the couple and ended up on a tirade about the evils of eating meat. sigh. that is SO not going to happen if and when i get married. again, i am glad that's all over with!

final thoughts: if and when i get married it's going to be a) small, b) simple and c) involve a barbeque in my backyard with close family, friends and lots of meat.

oh, and 'the modern day ken and barbie' line is a direct quote from the groom's mother - 'nuff said.

CET