anger

just thought i'd expunge this here so i can get on with painting my toenails.

remember how ex-T didn't tell me about his engagement, leaving the dirty work to friends?

so my phone rang just a little while ago; i check the caller ID and it's ex-T. i wasn't expecting to hear from him for - oh i don't know, ever - so i hesitated for a few rings before answering it. he heard from a mutual friend that i was leaving town for good soon and so wanted to say one last hello and wish me all the best. throughout the exchange of niceties i kept debating whether or not to call him out on his cowardliness; on one hand "let sleeping dogs lie" and all that, but on the other i thought "fuck, why should i hang up without saying anything?" so nearing the end of the conversation i say "isn't there something you're forgetting?" to which he immediately replied "oh, that i'm engaged?" um yeah DUH, that you're engaged and forgot to tell me. at first he claims that he already told me, or at least he thought so, then he says he forgot, as he had to tell so many people that he must've forgotten to tell me. right.

i told him that it wasn't all that nice having to hear news like that from mutual friends (quite shit, frankly) when it's something that he should have told me himself. he then goes on - and this confirms for me YET AGAIN, why breaking up with him was the right thing to do - to imply that he's the VICTIM, that he's the victim of my horrible accusations. sigh. once a coward, always a coward.

even if it was true, that he sincerely thought he told me and that if he didn't it was an oversight, what a shitty thing to do to someone who was your first girlfriend (he's engaged to his second) for three years and the first person you ever loved and deeply at that?

i got off the phone with him and my hands were shaking. i hate how after all these years he can still affect me like that.

this particular boy sucks the chunk monkey SO large right now.

CET

yeah, whatever.

the builder who tried to pick me up yesterday stops me today and says "you know what i said yesterday? well i apologize; i was just trying to be friendly" (yeah, "friendly", right. "friendly" is not asking if i have a husband and then giving me the bedroom eyes). he continues to say that his boss "roughed him up" when he caught wind of what happened - i'm sorry, like i'm suppose to feel bad for you? you're only apologizing to me because you got the verbal bitchslap from your boss. i wanted to tell him that the walls of this house are thin; i heard everything his boss said to him and you know what? he deserved it! take that creepoid!

CET :o)

um no.

one of the builders today tried to pick me up.

he asked if i had a husband. my "what the fuck?" face made him ask "why not? don't you want one?" uh yeah perhaps but he definitely won't be you buddy! then he asked if he could take me out for a drink sometime. i told him no; thanks but no thanks. he insisted so i busted out the "i'm leaving the country soon" and "i'm in the middle of exams" to shut him up.

i find out later from my landlord that he's married.

dickhead.

wick's end

and so another month flies by.

i don't know if you're aware, but i'm nearing the end of my degree and therefore the end of my time in london; i'll be returning to canada at the beginning of july.

so many thoughts and yet i don't know what to say.

to be honest i am glad that this chapter in my life is ending. don't get me wrong; i love london and have had a wonderful time here these past four years and have met and made such amazing friends. coming here for pharmacy school was the last thing i ever expected to do but now that i've done it (and almost finished) i can say that i've made the most of my time here and have many cherished memories to always remember london by. i have no regrets (save for a few boys perhaps).

i'm almost finished a four year degree and yet it feels like the path to becoming a pharmacist is only just beginning.

i want the cog wheels of my life and career to move forward, and yet i'm afraid of moving forward at the same time.

i sometimes wonder if i have enough brain power and capacity to become a pharmacist! i have enough heart i know that, but my brain seems a little less reliable. these licensing exams are SCARY SHIT!

i wish i wasn't so melancholy today but a shit week will do that to a person.

i've been sick this whole week with a flu of some description (if i had a penny for the number of times i've heard "swine flu"...); my landlord's renovating the bathroom so i've been staying at a friend's place this week. i've also had three assignment deadlines this week, which has meant late night after late night of work, culminating in a marathon session that had me up until 4:30am friday morning finishing an assignment due that afternoon, followed by working at the bar all friday night. i am tired. i am burnt out. and i haven't even reached exams yet.

a couple of people this week have also hurt and disappointed me deeply. why do people have no regard for how i feel? why does selfishness pervade? why is it so hard for people to do what they say and say what they do? why is it so hard to tell the truth? it is all i ask of anyone and yet the truth is something that seems to evade me. it's like a sick joke.

in some small measure i am glad to be leaving london for the simple fact that it takes me far away from these people who have hurt me.

but this isn't meant to be a whingy post. this is just me trying to sort out my heart and my mind so i can take a deep breath for this last push to the end of finals.

goodnight and good luck,

CET

unconscious fear rearing its ugly head

you can't control other people's actions, only your own.

only you can control your reaction to other people.

this is what i keep telling myself.

i had a dream on thursday night in which i woke up drenched in sweat, my heart palpitating so hard and so fast that it scared me. oh no, it wasn't a good dream at all.

for those that have been reading this tiny blog since its inception (2005), you may remember that i had a flatmate in first year whose boyfriend was seriously weird and who seriously pissed me off. anyhoo, this is not about him; this is about her. more specifically, it's about the fact that she is friends with youngin' in a way that makes me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable.

i won't get into the details here (it's long and tedious and i would rather not write about this at all, but for the fact that it's bugging the fuck out of me); i will say that both youngin' and ex-flattie, each separately at some point, have told me that they were not interested in nor would date the other person. youngin's reasoning was that he did not want to do anything to hurt me; ex-flattie's reasoning being that she puts friendship above boys. so why don't i trust either of them?

i realized after my dream that my mistrust stems from an incident that happened way back in first year of university in canada, many years ago. i broke up with my high school boyfriend then (he was a miserable jerk, the relationship was long distance, yadda yadda yadda); months later he starts dating a friend of mine. i didn't have a problem with it at first but that was before i saw them together; he treated her with so much care and kindness, more than he ever treated me, that it upset me greatly - i remember leaving the house party in a state of emotional upheaval, and broke off ties with that whole group of friends shortly thereafter.

i feel like youngin' and ex-flattie are repeating history. i'm afraid of getting hurt again.

it would be one thing if i didn't see or hear from either of them; this is the part where DON'T EVER DATE SOMEONE YOU HAVE TO BE PHYSICALLY IN THE SAME BUILDING WITH, EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING GOES TO SHIT comes in. he works at the university where i'm a student; she's a phd student at my university. we all work at the student union bar. great.

how do i deal with this? i certainly know that i may possibly be making a mountain out of a mole hill and absolutely nothing exists between them but then again, i might not. i try not to care and i try to put it out of my mind but the feeling is always there; the bated breath my heart holds, waiting for the proof to jump out at me that leaves me hurting again.

and can i just say...

i rocked my new frock two fridays ago! i wore it to work at the bar and so funny: a bunch of students were playing "truth or dare" (how old school!) and one of the guys came up to me at the bar and said "my friends dared me to tell you that you look sexy but you DO look sexy!" hahaha, nice. compliment? i'll take it as such.

youngin' was also working the bar with me and, ahem, we ended up in some naughty dealings with each other at the end of the night. oops. it wasn't like fireworks went off and i think that's the problem - i think i've finally, FINALLY, realized that i don't want to shag him ever, ever, ever again. i think all this time i've viewed him through rose-coloured glasses because even when we were kissing i thought to myself "hmmm, i don't remember his kissing technique being this sub-par!" if that doesn't tell you it's not a good idea then i don't know what does. anyhoo, we agreed it was a bad idea to go down this slippy slope again; we also promised each other not to "act weird" about it when we see each other at school. you know how it is, you shag someone you're not suppose to/shouldn't and then the next time you see them it's awkward as fuck. nope, not this time, not if i can help it. i've seen him since then and it's been fine. another youngin'-related thing to irk me however is this:

a) youngin' is a big, flirty whore and will literally flirt the pants off anything that moves, and admits as much;
b) a "friend" of mine, who has told me in the past that she would never do anything with youngin', especially as she knows our history, is flirting with him like NOBODY'S business;
c) seeing this peeves me.

i wish it didn't but it does. on one hand i actually trust youngin' when he tells me nothing has or will happen with this "friend" but on the other hand i'm not so sure. this "friend" likes to be a cock-tease and disturb the shit when it comes to boys; i trust her less than i trust youngin'! then there's always the argument of "why should i care?" i shouldn't really, i know i shouldn't, but i do. argh. i'm not working the next few shifts at the bar (until the new year if i can swing it); i'm glad because it means less exposure to the two of them.

i need to get away from all that malarkey.

CET