knots

i've been back in london since last thursday and jet lag is still kicking my butt. woke up around 2:30 this morning and had a hell of a time trying to fall back asleep.

it's gone past 10pm now and given my state of consciousness (or lack thereof), i don't think any studying will get done tonight. i still seem to have half a mind to blog though. :o)

i have that feeling where you need to be out of your own skin, if only for a little while. restless, itchy, wanting to scream and run around but not being able to. melancholy over youngin', stressed about pending exams...my mind and my body can't seem to settle.

i want to punch youngin' and hug him at the same time.

i was talking to a friend today and she said my problem is that i tell the guys i date too soon that it's not my intention to stay in england after i'm done my degree (it never was, it never will be). she says because it's established that i'm not going to live here permanently, it gives them the mindset that this will only be casual and that they don't have to invest their feelings in me, hence they will have fun with me for the time i'm here, but then as soon as i go back home to toronto, whether for christmas or for the summer, by the time i return they have already started dating someone else. depending on the guy they will either have told me right away (i.e. french canadian, youngin'), not at all (office boy), or only after i drag it out of them because they're too chicken shit to tell me of their own accord (i.e. londoner).

do you think this is the case? what's the point of postponing the truth, of telling them later rather than sooner that i won't be in london forever? get them in deep and then spring it on them? i don't think that's fair to the guy at all.

there's definitely a pattern to my dating but are they all connected or have i just been unlucky enough for it to happen to me four consecutive times?

my sister canuckian complained that i've been posting about boys too much lately, but i don't think i can help it. school and boys (well, a particular boy) have pretty much occupied my mind and my time since october. and do people want to read my whinging and whining about school, or about boys? :o)

i continue to have thoughts and observations about living in london and will try to write about them when i can, but at the moment everything seems hazy and grey and it's not just the bad english weather.

CET :o(