holy mutha

it's fair to say that i'm overwhelmed.

today was my first day at the centre where i'm doing my research project. met with most of my supervisors and fleshed out what's going to happen/what needs to happen in the next three months i'm there. all of my supervisors are bloody brilliant (i.e. friggin' smart), but one in particular left me slightly quaking by his genius. actually, it was watching the speed at which his mind works added to all the tech-speak pouring out of his mouth, directed at me, that left me feeling exhausted just listening to him.

i need my shower and i need my bed. my brain is fried.

eek.

CET :oS

hot pot

well it's been three days since i got home...it's funny how my life is so different here than in london, primarily because i live with the parental unit while in toronto. there is always this "lull" when i first get home, settling in and whatnot, before my life picks up again. i have a feeling my time here will be busy.

i LOVE it when the plane isn't full and i get two seats to myself, ahhh...it's time like these that i curse not choosing the middle aisle, thereby getting a whole FOUR seats to myself!

i finally finished reading "the amber spyglass" by philip pullman, the last book in "his dark materials" trilogy, while on the plane home. i'm always kind of sad when i finish such a great book - i want to stay immersed in their world a little while longer - and you never have another chance to read the book for the first time. i would LOVE a daemon, though perhaps i already have one but just can't see him?

here are a few more pics of london (while walking along the southbank) the sunday before i left:



browsing for books



some guy on the edge of the thames at low tide creating a sand sculpture of a sea turtle



i liked the line of trees

CET :o)

change

i'm leaving london for toronto today. i'm starting a research project back home, although it will count towards my degree here. just finished packing my life up (how did i acquire so much?). my bed beckons.

whether i leave toronto for london or london for toronto, every single time i feel like i'm leaving just when things are good. like michael buble's song, "home", "it's like i stepped outside, when everything was going right."

don't get me wrong, i love going home, but i will definitely miss my londontown. here are some pics from the last few days:



Brockwell Park



View of the London Skyline from the Southbank



Christchurch in my beloved Spitalfields

goodbye london! hello toronto!

CET :o)

beautiful things

EXAMS ARE DONE, WOOHOO! and that's all i'm going to say about that. :o)

i came across this blog where the author chronicles three beautiful things that happen in her life each day. i have a week to bring you up to date on, and i can't keep it to just three, but i will pinch the format for today's post:

Beautiful Things In the Past Week:

1. sitting on the side of the bathtub with nunuk at 3am after a night of dancing after my last exam; we were soaking our aching, dance-worn feet while munching on fried chicken and chips.

2. chatting with coffee shop hottie and finding out he was born in the year of the monkey (making him 27).

3. having the time to wander around my favourite haunts (coffee shop, spitalfields, brick lane) without a care in the world.

4. going to bluewater with some friends and buying a sexy, very scandalous top.

5. finally starting philip pullman's "the amber spyglass" and being totally engrossed in it, so much so that i got in trouble at the pharmacy by my boss (but i didn't care). I LOVE IOREK.

6. celebrating the year of the rat with family, friends, parades, fireworks and GOOD FOOD.

7. a beautiful weekend of weather here in londontown.

8. youngin' telling me in his indirect, boyish but sincere way that he doesn't want to see me leave england. it made me smile.

number 8 happened at the school bar on friday; i was working and he showed up, buying me G&Ts (a job where you can drink on the job!) and chatting with me for a few hours before heading out with his mates for a boys' night on the town. he asked me what my plans were after graduation (i still have over a year left); i told him most likely i'll be going home to canada, though i have had thoughts lately about qualifying here in england first. he then proceeds to tell me that england needs more people like me, that i'm unique (although he used the word "obscure" i think, hahaha) and that he'll be sad to see me go. he then leaned over the bar and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before dashing off.

before you get any negative thoughts in your head don't worry, nothing happened or will happen; i just think we share a mutual fondness for each other and that was his way of telling me he'll miss me. his speech reminds me of the scene from "bridget jones' diary" where bridget makes an ass of herself in front of everyone at the darcy's anniversary party when it's announced that mark darcy is moving to new york; she gives a speech about england losing its "top person" and "legal brain" and when youngin' gave his little schpiel to me, that scene came to mind.

i got this off of youtube (of course); it's a little long and i think it downloads a bit slow, but the scene's somewhere in the middle and it still cracks me up:



CET :o)

for a particular reader...

i hope you know who you are! enjoy!

CET :o)

one down...

...and one to go!

had my first exam today. i did the best that i could and that's that. am so glad that's over with! no more microbiology, woohoo!

am slightly drunk on a fine red wine at the moment...i was so giddy that i got through the first of two brutal exams that i couldn't wait to drown myself in red wine...mmm, wine...

watched "what women want", you know that film with mel gibson and helen hunt? ugh. i've seen that movie already but it's one of those things where it's on tv and you can't be bothered to change the channel...anyway...god, do i have a problem with it or what?!? like women even think of half of the crap that they think of in the film...i was telling my flatmate (male) that women only think of these things when actively psychoanalyzing a particular situation, geez...it's not like we think of men all the bloody time. and i think as a guy it would be an excellent skill to have, knowing what women want - no games, no bullshit just everything straight up - men always complain about not being able to read a woman's mind so now here's their chance! i would love to be able to read a man's mind, even for just one day...i'm sure there wouldn't be much there that i didn't already know (hahahahahahahaha)...sex, sex, and more sex, yadda yadda yadda...whatever, anyhoo, that was a crap film but i still watched it nonetheless, in my wine-induced haze...

now "weird science " is on, god i love john hughes...

gonna take my last gulp of the red wine, mmm...

CET :o)

just a quick note...

it's the day before "Exam D-Day #1" so i'll have to keep this short (something about having to revise); just wanted to point out to you all a new link under "Blogs I Like" - a hearty welcome to Random Pinkness! she's a student in aberdeen, scotland and i think it's fair to say we've become mutual fans of each other's blogs. in the grand scheme of the blogsphere my blog isn't either well-read or well-known but that's besides the point; i know there's a blogger community out there that i have yet to really explore and with ms. pinkness i think i'm starting to. so welcome RP and to my readers out there, check her out!

CET :o)

coming down to the wire

four days until my first exam, it's getting close...i just want these horrid things over with! i will be happily viewing the world through beer goggles on friday afternoon, shaking my booty to cheesy music like i've never shaken it before. oh yes, mark my words.

the last time i took a walk i made sure i took a picture of the roof of this house:



how cool is that? not something you see everyday. i wonder what possessed the owner to build that?

here's another picture of my current hood though it was taken a while back, late last year:



i love the sky in that picture.

i was so bad today, i was surfing the net reading all my usual blogs when i came across a jewellery website (based in australia) and ended up buying a necklace! it was on sale and will be in my grubby little paws in seven days' time. i think it's beautiful, and will post a pic of me wearing it when it arrives! talk about procrastination costing you.

okay, back to revision! i am such an exciting girl on an early saturday night.

CET :o)

yep, angry phase kicking in

i had a good long telephone catch-up with my friend nunuk tonight (he was in france visiting his luv-ah); i gave him an update on youngin' and upon talking about it with nunuk i realized something, which was enforced when i went back and read all my posts on him:

it was all youngin's fault.

i gave him the benefit of the doubt FAR too many times. i was there for him, empathized with him and took his side when he totally didn't deserve it! if it wasn't one issue with youngin' it was another. first it was him, then it was his family, next it was outstanding issues with his ex; god, and every time i sympathized, like he was the victim in all of these problems when really he orchestrated it (or pretty much most of it). i didn't want him to hurt so i let myself get hurt instead. what a fool i was! argh!

in a strange sort of way he reminds me of my very first boyfriend oh so many years ago, in my last year of high school; a moody, miserable git that blamed his parents and the whole world for his misery. only difference is youngin' wasn't by any means as moody as first bf was, plus he's a helluva lot more good-looking than first bf (a girl's gotta move up, not down!). :o)

though it's useless saying this now i should've known better with youngin' than to start something with him; his middle name is the same name as first bf - that should've been the tip-off.

CET :o)

diabolical writing

another day of revision comes and goes...left the flat today for a late lunch in the village, followed by a snail's pace stroll back to the flat. then more revision. then dinner. then revision. lather. rinse. repeat. lather. rinse. repeat.

back home over christmas i saw the movie "juno" and i loved it! paulie bleecker IS boss. and canadian too (the oh-so-sweet-you-want-to-pinch-his-cheeks michael cera). i didn't realize until today that it was written by a blogger, diablo cody to be exact. she seems like one pretty cool chick. i like her. here's her myspace link.

and finally, i stole this from diablo cody's blog but heck, it's from youtube. in regards to youngin' i think i'm feeling a little like angela chase at the moment, though perhaps with a little less teenage angst:



CET :o)

a desk instead of a ball

exam time is here and CET is deep in revision, that is when she's not checking e-mails every two seconds, checking facebook every two seconds, browsing her itunes every two seconds, going to the kitchen for a snack every two seconds, and generally procrastinating every two seconds, she is getting her work done. :o)

still actually quite bummed out about youngin'...the same questions that will never be answered keep swimming in my head; i think about what he's up to, whether he thinks about me and if so what he thinks...i want him to think about me and regret not taking a chance with me. i want him to miss me. and i wonder what's worse - not seeing him these next couple of weeks but thinking about him, or seeing him everyday at school and thinking about him - i just want him out of my head already. if i could just remove that part of my hypothalamus in charge of emotions from my brain, place it in a box on my desk, keep it there for the duration of exams and then place it back into my brain afterwards, i'd be fine. that's what i need, a hypothalamic lobotamy.

i left the flat for a walk yesterday afternoon, after not leaving for three days in a row (yes people, i am literally chained to my desk); i had to get out to remind myself what fresh air smelled like (in london it smells pretty much like pollution) and to stretch my muscles before they atrophied. i walked to the nearby village and came across a pile of tulips on sale...i ended up buying tulips in the same colours as the ones i bought last year, when living in whitechapel with vij. deep purple, bright fuschia and pale pink.

oh, and i popped by the coffee shop on wednesday and chatted briefly with coffee shop hottie; still as cute as ever and still with the same brown eyes that i could happily swim in. i daydreamed today that he came into the bar where i work and promptly chatted me up!

i miss vij. i miss my american classmate too (she's finishing her degree in the states). i miss having another fun, brilliant, slightly crazy single girl to hash the gossip with, to hit the town with and paint it red. anyone know where i can meet one?

right, back to studying.

CET

hope and redemption

took an (extended) break from studying tonight to watch "shawshank redemption" - i have always caught bits and bobs of it but have never seen it from start to finish - and it's beautiful. slow, understated but resonant with feeling. and morgan freeman? i love him. one day when i'm old i want the wrinkles on my face to be as deeply etched as his, each one telling a story.

in other news, i've realized i am quite annoyed with facebook and reading the current status updates of my friends. i mean, it's a well-known fact that facebook is a great stalking tool - you KNOW i'm not talking scary stalking, more like creepin' on your latest crush, that's all - and don't TELL me you haven't at least once looked up a past love, a current lover, or a long-time crush; what i don't like are the updates that suggest something about how the person's feeling or what they're doing, like they want the whole world to know but they don't say it outright - it leaves you guessing as to what they mean. shit like "(insert name) is up against the naughty wall." huh? do i even want to know? i DON'T want to know and yet now i sort of know and my mind's going in a thousand different directions! ARGH!

lesson learnt: do not read friends' status updates; disable function that allows them to pop up on the news feed and along the side bar. and don't blog when you think you're going to end up sounding slightly crazy. make that extremely crazy.

CET :o)

penile discussion

through The Girl's blog i found this new one from the male (or, three males) perspective, called Todger Talk. it's funny, witty and a great forum where men can talk honestly and openly about sex and relationships.

there was a particular post today on todger talk that i felt like was written just for me, given my recent experience with youngin'. click on the link and let me know what you think! i definitely do agree with the statment though that "in most people's minds masculine man = male chauvinist pig" when this doesn't have to be the case!

guys: you can be masculine without being an asshole.

CET :o)

signs

someone who works for the city of london needs to learn how to spell:



so true:



recycling is the devil's work:



just all in a day in londontown.

CET :o)

knots

i've been back in london since last thursday and jet lag is still kicking my butt. woke up around 2:30 this morning and had a hell of a time trying to fall back asleep.

it's gone past 10pm now and given my state of consciousness (or lack thereof), i don't think any studying will get done tonight. i still seem to have half a mind to blog though. :o)

i have that feeling where you need to be out of your own skin, if only for a little while. restless, itchy, wanting to scream and run around but not being able to. melancholy over youngin', stressed about pending exams...my mind and my body can't seem to settle.

i want to punch youngin' and hug him at the same time.

i was talking to a friend today and she said my problem is that i tell the guys i date too soon that it's not my intention to stay in england after i'm done my degree (it never was, it never will be). she says because it's established that i'm not going to live here permanently, it gives them the mindset that this will only be casual and that they don't have to invest their feelings in me, hence they will have fun with me for the time i'm here, but then as soon as i go back home to toronto, whether for christmas or for the summer, by the time i return they have already started dating someone else. depending on the guy they will either have told me right away (i.e. french canadian, youngin'), not at all (office boy), or only after i drag it out of them because they're too chicken shit to tell me of their own accord (i.e. londoner).

do you think this is the case? what's the point of postponing the truth, of telling them later rather than sooner that i won't be in london forever? get them in deep and then spring it on them? i don't think that's fair to the guy at all.

there's definitely a pattern to my dating but are they all connected or have i just been unlucky enough for it to happen to me four consecutive times?

my sister canuckian complained that i've been posting about boys too much lately, but i don't think i can help it. school and boys (well, a particular boy) have pretty much occupied my mind and my time since october. and do people want to read my whinging and whining about school, or about boys? :o)

i continue to have thoughts and observations about living in london and will try to write about them when i can, but at the moment everything seems hazy and grey and it's not just the bad english weather.

CET :o(

no more

no more "benefits" with youngin. that's it. i'm done.

we had a talk last night and we decided (due to our respective reasons) that our friendship is more important than the benefits, and that continuing the benefits will only hurt (me mostly, of course). i told him how much he has hurt me and he feels like shit and i'm glad, because he deserves it. At least for a little while.

he asked for my forgiveness but i said that will have to come with time.

i've also noticed a pattern in the men that i've dated and/or slept with in the last two years and i don't like it; while i don't ever want the fear of getting hurt to stop me from meeting people/starting a relationship with them, i seriously need a break from all this bullshit, and will perhaps be more discerning with who i will allow in my heart next.

in other news, i have an endocrinology test on my first day back at school next monday, as well as a pharmacy practice assessment graded by the royal pharmaceutical society of great britain on friday. i have to pass in order to enter my fourth year. oh joy!

wish me luck people,
CET :o)

a bit of my everyday

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

i want to start off the new year with the picture below - i pass by it everyday while on the train to charing cross. two little words but it brightens my day and reminds me to have strength. i hope looking at this will help you find your courage too!



all the best in 2008! i wish nothing but joy and success (in its many forms) for everyone.

CET :o)

falling into a situation

no posts in forever, and now i'm a blogging machine!

update on the youngin': i think we have fallen into that clear-as-mud category known as "friends...with benefits". i think it's a combination of him not being able to make up his mind and my waves of strength and weakness. actually, i should give myself a little more credit because i'm going into this with my eyes open - i know exactly what the situation is and i control my part in it - it's just that i know that whether or not i sleep with him it's still going to hurt. obviously you might think it's stupid of me to get into all that, knowing i'm going to get hurt, and why hurt more when you can hurt less, but even if there were no "benefits" attached to our friendship, leaving the friendship in february (i'm coming back to toronto to do a research project) will still make me sad.

it's very strange because perhaps in a different time and a different place things might've worked out (for a least a while longer than it actually did); my flatmate asked me if i wondered what our relationship (in the general sense of the word) would have been like if it didn't start the way that it started, with all that flirting and kissing, but i say what's the point in thinking those things? youngin' and i have an intense attraction to each other that's fuelled by our respectively flirty natures - even if we had started out as "just friends" i'm pretty sure it would've become more than that pretty quickly. anyhoo...

basically, with or without the sex, youngin' and i get on like a house on fire - he is quite unlike any of my friends in london and strangely enough, i think that's what i gravitate to the most - he brings out a side of me that hasn't been brought out in a while. neuronal pathways, little used in that particular region of the brain, are firing again. he just makes me think and interact in a way that i find refreshing and fun. it just all depends on me as to whether this fun includes between the sheets.

CET :o)

holy crap, i'm 30

i have officially entered a new decade. my twenties are behind me. HOLY SHIT!

all year i've felt quite nonchalant about turning 30, but in the last couple of months leading up to my birthday i've been slightly stressed about it. perhaps i feel it more acutely as i go to school with people who are almost 10 years my junior. yikes.

when i received my first birthday card with the big "3-0" emblazoned on the front i had a mini panic attack! i woke up on my birthday grappling with the concept (now a reality) that i wasn't in my twenties anymore. after a succession of kick-ass birthday parties however (why have one when you can have three?), i think i am learning to be okay with it. it's no big deal really - i still look pretty young for my age and i certainly don't feel older - i think my anxiety was temporary. well, i hope so!

it's funny because while perhaps i don't want to be 30 just yet, i certainly don't want to go back to my early 20s or anything like that. i love everything that i've experienced, both good and bad, these last ten years of my life - i wouldn't change a thing - so why go back to it? i feel wiser, stronger, more sure of myself than i have ever felt before and i love the fact that i am where i am, doing what i am doing today. if feeling this way means putting a "3" where there once was a "2", then so be it!

CET :o)

it's all good (well, getting there)

things between youngin' and i are over. i am glad and relieved. i must say although the primary reason things pittered out was him, it was also his particular situation, and because of that there are no hard feelings between us and things will remain amicable. i am glad for that too.

things i will miss the most: his hands and lips. strong, experienced hands and big, full lips, the kind you can kiss/suck/gnaw on for hours, mmm...

CET :o)